Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Location: The City, On the edge

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

42. Barbie Joke

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have, 'Barbie goes to the gym'for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ...
and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

"My wife finally convinced me to sign what's
called a living will. It's a document that gives her
the right, if I become attached to some mechanical
device, to terminate my life. So yesterday, I'm on the
exercise bike, and..."

41. The Top 14 Biblical ways To Get A Wife

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)

3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.- Moses (Ex 2:16-21)

4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you.- Adam (Gen 2:19-24)

7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife - David (I Samuel 18:27)

9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-)

12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though).- David (2 Samuel 11)

13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

40. The Rabbi's Teachings

A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi
for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"Well, okay," says the man,"but what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi....
"Why Not???" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing."

Monday, November 28, 2005

39. Why Men Are Happier

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be
your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24,
in 45 minutes.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

38. Understanding The Stock Market

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an
investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance,
the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E Ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their
pants as the market keeps crashing.

Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst - The idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock Split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split
all your assets between themselves.

Market Correction - The day after you buy your stocks.

Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it
disappears down the toilet.

Institutional Investor - Past-years' investor who is
now locked up in the nuthouse.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

37. Teaching Math

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the
cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your
assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels "feel" as the logger cut down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2002:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2010:
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta
de production es........

36. Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels

A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
Note to the non-scientific: these are all true.
by Susan Hewitt and Ed Subitzky

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well- intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

(The above is from Volume 36, Number 1 of The Journal of Irreproducible Results.
Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc.
3 Cambridge Center, Cambridge MA 02141

Friday, November 25, 2005

35. Employee Evaluations

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.
1. ''Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig.''
2. ''His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity.'
3. ''I would not allow this employee to breed.''
4. ''This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'.''
5. ''Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.''
6. ''When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.''
7. ''He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.''
8. ''This young lady has delusions of adequacy.''
9. ''He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.''
10. ''This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.''
11. ''This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better.''
12. ''Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.''
13. ''A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.''
14. ''He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.''
15. ''He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.''
16. ''He would argue with a signpost.''
17. ''He has a knack for making strangers immediately detest him.''
18. ''He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.''
19. ''If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ..... he's the other one.''
20. ''A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.''
21. ''A prime candidate for natural deselection.''
22. ''Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.''
23. ''If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.''
24. ''If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.''
25. ''If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.''
26. ''It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.''
27. ''Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.''

34. New Scientific Units

Here is a conversion chart taken from The Bent of Tau Beta Pi, Spring 1988.

1012 Microphones = 1 Megaphone
106 bicycles = 2 megacycles
500 millinaries = 1 seminary
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1021 picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost
10 monologues = 5 dialogues
10 monologues = 1 decalogue
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickles = 2 paradigms
2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
2 wharves = 1 paradox

Thursday, November 24, 2005

33. Cartoons

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

32. Lexophile - A Lover Of Words

A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

31. God's Balance

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of the Lord, "Where have you been?" God signed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a
continent of black people."

God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and
covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and
said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's California: the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful beaches, deserts, streams, hills, and forests. The
people from California are going to be handsome, intelligent, have a
great sense of humor, and they are going to be found traveling the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and
they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in Sacramento."

Monday, November 21, 2005

30. Gentile Jokes

All we ever hear are Jewish jokes, so here are some gentile jokes:

A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says:
"This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?" The salesman says: "It's
The Gentile says, "OK, I'll take it."

Two Gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about children.
Gentile mother 1 (said with pride): "My son is a construction worker!"
Gentile mother 2 (said with more pride): "My son is a truck driver!"

A man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting me for
dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't
make it."
His mother says, "OK."

A gentile couple goes to a nice restaurant: The man says: "I'll have the
steak and a baked potato", and my wife will have the Julienne salad with
house dressing. We'll both have coffee." The waiter says: "How would you
like your steak and salad prepared?"
The man says "I'd like the steak medium......the salad is fine as is."
The waiter says: "Thank you."

A Gentile man calls his elderly mother.
He asks, "Mom, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?"
She says, "I'm feeling fine, and I don't need anything. Thanks for

Sunday, November 20, 2005

29. Einstein's Room Mates

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others." he is told by St. Peter. Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So Pete leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants.
"See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"
"Why that's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss literature!"
"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"
"Why that's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"
"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theatre!"
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it.
"I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"

(If you like the type of humor I like send whatever to Bookgleaner@aol.com)

Saturday, November 19, 2005

28. A Guys Commonsense Guide To Dieting

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we
all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not
animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only
leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your
liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating a regular exercise
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's
the best feel good food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie, flour is a veggie! One more thing... When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt.

27. Some Thoughts To Get You Through

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

"I know the truth. That's why I'm looking for something better." Saroyan

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's
a 'do it yourself' thing.

Based on an unoriginal Web Page pinched from Fenland Poly, January 1997.

Friday, November 18, 2005

26. Froegt Sepinllg

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt
tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit
a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

25. Basic Rules For Driving In California

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Californian driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. California is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in California during rush hour.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a California driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. California is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to the State Highway Department, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

12. It is traditional in California to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every Californian driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.

14. In the California 'flipping someone the bird' is considered a polite West Coast salute. This gesture should always be returned.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

24. Jewish Buddhism

Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl.
Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the
wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with
posture like that.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you
never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the
following: Get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that
not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget these
simple things and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The
Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao is not Jewish.

Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

The Buddha taught that one should practice loving-kindness to all
sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being
who happens to be Jewish?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Find enlightened ones, and learn. Follow their ways and observe their
practices. After you reach forty you don't have to call them "Mom".

23. Serene Japanese Computer Messages

Here are 16 actual error messages reportedly seen on the computer screens in Japan, where some are written in Haiku. Aren't these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation"?

The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred?
You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.
Having been erased, The document you're seeking must now be retyped.
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

22. U.S Demands China Pick Simpler Name For Currency

John Snow, US treasury secretary, on Monday urged China to abandon the name of its currency, arguing that a "functioning financial system is one based on having currency which other people can pronounce."
In unexpectedly tough remarks on the eve of a visit to Beijing, Mr. Snow said: "We want to be heard on the issue of easily understood terms that do not place American politicians at a disadvantage in conversation."
His comments on the "renminbi" were no surprise to those familiar with the Bush Administration's policies on multi-syllabic words and foreign languages.
The treasury secretary is the latest US official to comment on the Chinese currency. Alan Greenspan, chairman of the Federal Reserve, suggested in July that the "renminbi" would have to be renamed if Beijing expected favorable negotiations with the White House.
"Difficult words only hinder discussion," Greenspan noted. "We all know the President doesn't like subjects involving terms he cannot pronounce. He'd rather ignore them entirely than risk giving further fodder to the Democratic slander machine, which insists on poking fun at his pronunciation of difficult words such as 'nuclear.'"
President Bush is widely known for his strong insistence on forcing foreign languages and countries to accommodate his needs. He has already made changes in some American territories, officially changing the name of American Samoa to "American S'mores" last month.
Beijing has rejected the rhetoric on the renminbi from Washington. Chinese leaders have given little indication that they are willing to change the name of their currency.
"We find this request both incredible and insulting," said Chinese Embassy Spokesman Xie Feng. "Its sheer inanity makes our heads hurt. We would much rather you complain about human rights or something."
Snow admitted that a difficult to pronounce renminbi "worked both ways" for US industry, given that many companies can back out of otherwise binding negotiations by claiming "misunderstandings" during talks.
"However, China needs to understand that the true mark of a major world currency is a one or two syllable name," he added. "The dollar, the euro, the yen: time to get with the program if they want to be taken seriously."

21. La Bubba Vita

For all you lovers of fine music....and observers of life and politicians:

La Bubba Vita

NYC - This fall, the Metropolitan Opera is scheduled to produce an opera commemorating Bill Clinton's experiences from 8 years in the White House. Composed by Giuliani Veritas (in Italian), it was commissioned by Jesse Helms in conjunction with the National Endowment for the Arts: LA BUBBA VITA, by Giuliani Veritas

Act I. The Situation: Bill Clinton has been elected President of the United States by an overwhelming margin. The Republicans are devastated, angry and are trying to find their way back to power. As the curtain rises on the opera, the House Republicans are meeting with Ken Starr with the object of trying to find a way to remove Clinton from the Presidency.

Opening chorale, "We Must Find a Way" (Creato grandissimo floozi scandala) is sung as a sextet. In an impressive recitative, Tom DeLay sings "Where Will We Find a Helper?" (Dredgi uppulia una Granda Bimbo).

The House Republicans exit. Paula Jones enters stage right with a mirror, singing her plaintive "Why Can't I Find a Man?" (Mia schnozola es humongo). Tom DeLay and Newt Gingrich enter from the other wing. They spot Paula and sing the duet "Why Not Her?" (La floozi perfecta). They meet and take Paula to a small cafe where they hatch their plot in hushed tones.

Paula tells them of her meeting in a hotel with Clinton years earlier and how her fortunes have collapsed since then. DeLay and Gingrich offer to help. They sing the aria "Your Luck has Changed" (Nozjobbo e'rewardo).

Act II. The House Republicans reconvene with the news of Paula's revelations. They sing in jubilation "We Must Tell the World" (Fono tabloido). The rear curtain raises to reveal the Chorus of Media who sing the chorale "Tell Us More, But Only the Truth" (Sexio scandala hypo sweepi).Gingrich enters with Pat Robertson. They sing the duet "He Must Go" (Hypocriti pious crappola). Robertson offers time on his television program to expose the charges. At the House Republicans' suggestion, Paula initiates a lawsuit. The Paula Jones scandal becomes the topic of conversation throughout the country.

The Chorus of Lawyers enters from the right to sing the jubilant grand chorale "We Must do Our Duty" (Multi, multi grande moola).

Ken Starr meets with the House Republicans to plan the next steps. They sing the aria "We Will Save the Country" (Sleezi connivo, la media succisttuppo). Starr promises to convene a grand jury which will send charges to the Congress. He sings "The Truth Will be Known" (Whitewater non starto, il probo la floozy epidemio). The Chorus of Lawyers sings a reprise of "We Must Do Our Duty" (Multi, multi grande moola! ) as the act ends.

Act III. Linda Tripp enters the stage arm in arm with Ken Starr. She is wearing a headset and singing "Monica is My Dearest Friend" (Io sono la wiccida witchi occidenta). She tells Starr about the secret tapes that she has made of conversations with Monica Lewinsky. Starr takes them from her and sings "We've Got Him Now" (Presidente droppopantaloni).

Starr hurries off to the Grand Jury to call Monica as a witness. In Scene 2, Monica enters the grand jury room where the Chorus of Lawyers asks her questions.

They sing the recitative "How Did It Happen?" (Panti thongo, la flashi).

Monica sings the long, passionate aria "We Were Meant for Each Other" (Nonsmoko El Pruducto, Phalli symboglio). In Scene 3, Hillary and Bill are sitting in the Lincoln Bedroom talking about the revelations about Monica. Hillary sings "I Will Stand By You" (Tu jercho estupido, io removo tu equippamento). Bill replies with "She Was the Only One" (Non conto Gennifer, Paula, piu multi bimbo forgetta). They embrace!

Act IV. Sam Donaldson is interviewing Henry Hyde in the Capitol Building. The Chorus of Lawyers hums in the background. Hyde sings the aria "We Believe in Something" (Impeaccho hippi bastardo). Donaldson sings a recitative in answer, "We Want Only the Truth" (Toupee eslippo). The great trial begins in the Senate. Trent Lott reacts to public opinion polls showing that the President has a 76% public approval rating by singing the poignant aria "What is Right is Not Popular" (Partia repubblico commitini suicido). The Chorus of Lawyers sings the chorale "Principles Come First" (Mi adultero non conto). With great flourish, Henry Hyde, Bill McCullom and Tom DeLay stand before the Senate to present their case. They sing "How Can You Not Convict?" (Evidenso multi flimsioso).

Finally in a moving chorale, the Chorus of Lawyers sings "For the Good of the Nation, We Must Acquit" (Senatorios non stupido.) After the vote is announced, Henry Hyde, Tom DeLay, Trent Lott and! Bill McCollum leave the Senate Chamber singing the grand quartet "We Still Know the Truth" (Wasto multi millioni) as the act ends.

Epilogue. President Clinton sings the contrite aria "I Am Very Sorry" (Revengo futuro furioso) as the Chorus of Media circles him, shouting their questions. They sing "Who Will Now Believe Us?" (Publicca desgustanta es in media). Monica Lewinsky strolls across the stage on the arm of her new literary agent, Ken Starr. They sing a stirring duet, "It is Still Not Over" (Publishi grande bucchi, conto multi, multi dollare millioni) as the curtain falls.


Tuesday, November 15, 2005

20. From "The Office" web page

Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are chirping softly in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called 'the world.'
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
There now... Feeling better?

Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.

Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.

The art of management is to realise your deficiencies, and hide them.

If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

Who can they say "Am I intelligent"? I'll tell you who - someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of the Lone Ranger.

Of course I don't look busy.I did it right the first time.

"Always remember, when you're looking up your top is someone else's bottom." (DPG)

Monday, November 14, 2005

19. Ten Signs Of The Credit Bubble (2004)

Ten Signs That You're In A Historic Credit Bubble (2004)

10. Your neighbor buys a $40,000 SUV with his home equity line and tells you proudly that, "It's paid for."

9. Your mother-in-law enrolls in community college in order to enhance her lifestyle with student loans.

8. You buy a complete set of living room furniture and you don't have to make a payment for three years.

7. The economy is growing at 7% and the Fed Funds rate is at 1%.

6. Housing inflation in California is growing above 20% and the Fed Funds rate is at 1%.

5. GM makes more money off mortgages than from its core business.

4. You receive enough credit card solicitations to financially engineer a leveraged retirement twenty years early.

3. Your credit union is now offering an 8-year car loan and a 40-year mortgage and is proudly growing its asset base at 30%.

2. An interest only variable mortgage enables a McDonald's employee of the month to buy a $405,000 house (average price in California).

1. Your Fed Chairman's name is Alan Greenspan.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

18. Women Versus Men

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain
on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him. Or...Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to
listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath an
calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one!!! will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their male's after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every
woman to satisfy his one need

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

17. Men Versus Women

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call
each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth, and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head, and Scrappy.

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20,
even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller,
and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get
their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2
item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,
a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items
in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to
identify most of these items.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that
is the beginning of a new argument.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never
worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for
weddings and funerals.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears, and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people
living in the house.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.

16. AT&T To Cut Workforce 120 Percent

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) — AT&T will reduce its workforce by an unprecedented 120 percent by the end of 2001, believed to be the first time a major corporation has laid off more employees than it actually has.

AT&T stock soared more than 12 points on the news.

The reduction decision, announced Wednesday, came after a year-long internal review of cost-cutting procedures, said AT&T Chairman C. Michael Armstrong. The initial report concluded the company would save $1.2 billion by eliminating 20 percent of its 108,000 employees.

From there, said Armstrong, "it didn't take a genius to figure out that if we cut 40 percent of our workforce, we'd save $2.4 billion, and if we cut 100 percent of our workforce, we'd save $6 billion. But then we thought, why stop there? Let's cut another 20 percent and save $7 billion.
"We believe in increasing shareholder value, and we believe that by decreasing expenditures, we enhance our competitive cost position and our bottom line," he added.
AT&T plans to achieve the 100 percent internal reduction through layoffs, attrition and early retirement packages. To achieve the 20 percent in external reductions, the company plans to involuntarily downsize 22,000 non-AT&T employees who presently work for other companies.
"We pretty much picked them out of a hat," said Armstrong.

Analysts credited Armstrong's short-term vision, noting that the announcement had the desired effect of immediately increasing AT&T share value. However, the long-term ramifications could be detrimental, said Bear Stearns analyst Beldon McInty.
"It's a little early to tell, but by eliminating all its employees, AT&T may jeopardize its market position and could, at least theoretically, cease to exist," said McInty.
Armstrong, however, urged patience: "To my knowledge, this hasn't been done before, so let's just wait and see what happens."

Friday, November 11, 2005

15. Stock Trader Solution

(Creatively Edited from Money Mag.)

Beset by scandal, the New York Stock Exchange is under pressure to alter or, as the Wall Street Journal put it, abandon its "use of humans to trade stocks on the floor of the exchange". The NYSE could adopt Nasdaq-style electronic trading or they could investigate replacing traders with one of the the following:

PROS - Tirless and efficient servants to their overlords.
CONS - Limitless hunger for human flesh and brains.

PROS - Energetic, extremely cute
CONS - Easily distracted by balls of yarn and having their stomachs scratched.

PROS - Incorruptible
CONS - Dry Rot

PROS - Surprisingly effective stock pickers. Could do well as stock traders.
CONS - Tendency to fling feces.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

14. Signs Of A True Texan

Signs Of A True Texan, or Redneck, or All Those People That Live South of You

When someone asks for your ID you show them your belt buckle.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

The Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road when you come to the burnt out Chevy."

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You have at least one tooth missing from opening a beer bottle.

Your wife's hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan.

You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car

You have a plastic bag for a window on the passenger side.

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

Your dad walks you to school because your in the same grade.

You view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

Your front porch collapses & kills more than three dogs.

You were fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening at the filling station.

After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.

You have a picture of Willie Nelson over the fireplace.

Your idea of safe sex is a padded headboard.

You own a belt buckle that weighs more than three pounds.

Your rich relative buys a new home and you help him take the wheels off.

Less than half of the cars you own run.

Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.

You've been too drunk to fish.

13. A Few Old Age Quotes

In America, the young are always ready to give those who are older than themselves the full benefits of their inexperience.
— Oscar Wilde (1854-1900).

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
— George Burns (1896-1996).

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it by not dying.
— Woody Allen (1935- ).

By the time you know what to do, you're too old to do it.
— Ted Williams (1918-2002).

You know you are getting old when all the names in your black book have MD after them.
— Harrison Ford (1942- ).

There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them.
— Casey Stengel (1890-1975).

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
— Woody Allen (1935- ).

A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.
— Muhammad Ali (1942- ).

After the age of 80, everything reminds you of something else.
— Lowell Thomas (1892-1981).

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

12. New Definitions

These are the winners of a New York magazine contest in which contestants
were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single
letter, and provide a definition for the new expression.

Can you drive a French motorcycle?

Lost in the mail

I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered

I think; therefore I waffle

The cat is dead

Honk if you're Scottish

Life is feudal

The king is dead. No kidding.

Support your local clown

I am three years old

Our cat has a boat

Fast French food

I came, I saw, I partied

Fast retort

Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you would never know

Don't leave your chateau without it

Platonic friend

I'm bossy around here

He deserved it.

The Clearasil doesn't quite cover it up.

Out of any group, there's always one asshole.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

11. Doctor's Orders

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband's disorder will surely be terminal:
Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is
in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his strength and health."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're gonna die," she replied.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

10. Cultural Differences Explained

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Yanks: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Yanks: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Yanks: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Yanks: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels. (or five, if you're lucky.)
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Yanks: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Yanks: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Yanks: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Yanks: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Yanks: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Martin Keegan, Feb 1997.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

9. A Mixture of English

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris... are in Seine.
A backward poet writes... inverse.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
The definition of a will?... (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune teller who escapes from prison is a small
medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Friday, November 04, 2005

8. The Latest Cults

Here is a list of the latest cults

Cult that specializes in certain hair-care products: Jojoba's Witnesses.
Cult that specializes in certain male toiletries: Mennenites.
Cult that specializes in drooling: Salivation Army.
Cult that specializes in lingerie: Panty-costals.
Cult that uses everyone else's churches: Roamin' Catholics.
Cult that specializes in finding things: Seeks.
Cult that worships the stock market: Dowists.
Cult that specializes in marquees: Signtologists.
Cult that trains actors: Methodists.
Cult specializing in maps: Chartists.
Cult that specializes in crowds & mobs: Congregationalists.
Cult that trains astronomers: Universalists.
Cult that worships bedsheets: Muslins.
Cult that vows to get even: Avengalists.
Cult that prays standing in running water: Creek Orthodox.
Cult that worships vegetables: Carrotsmatics.
Cult that shuns scissors and razors: Hairy Krishnas.
Cult that sells table accessories: Shakers.
Cult of Jamaican hookers: More, Mon?
Cult of college streakers: Moonies.
Cult of dry cleaning fanatics: Press-biterians.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

7. Duck Grapes

This duck walks into a bar one afternoon about 4:30. The duck hops up
onto the bar and asks the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender
looks at him oddly and replies "Nope!" So the duck hops down and waddles

Next day the duck waddles into the bar at 4:30 again and hops up onto
the bar and asks the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender looks at
him once again and replies "No! Now go away!!" So the duck hops down and
waddles away.

The same thing happens at the same time every day for the next week or
so. And once again the duck waddles into the bar at 4:30 and hops up
onto the bar and asks the bartender "Ya got any grapes?" The bartender
looks at him once again and replies yelling "No! I DON'T have any grapes
and if you ask me that again I'll nail your head to the bar!!!"

The very next day the duck waddles into the bar at 4:30 again and hops
up onto the bar and asks the bartender "Got any nails?" The bartender
screams anguishedly, "NOOOO!"

The duck replies "Got any grapes?"

6. Sayings

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

5. What's Your Southern Sign?

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're not satisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good hands.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things; that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

4. The Louisiana Refund

The Louisiana Refund

BATON ROUGE, LA. - The White House announced today that President Bush
has successfully sold the state of Louisiana back to the French at more than
double its original selling price of $11,250,000.

"This is a bold step forward for America," said Bush. "And America will
be stronger and better as a result. I stand here today in unity with French
Prime Minister Jack Sharaq, who was so kind to accept my offer of
Louisiana in exchange for 25 million dollars cash."

The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost hundreds of billions
of dollars to rebuild. "Jack understands full well that this one's a 'fixer upper,'" said Bush.
"He and the French people are quite prepared to pump out all that water,
and make Louisiana a decent place to live again. And they've got a lot
of work to do. But Jack's assured me, if it's not right, they're going to
fix it."

The move has been met with incredulity from the beleaguered residents
of Louisiana.

"Shuba-pie!" said New Orleans resident Willis Babineaux. "Frafer-perly
yum kom drabby sham!"

However, President Bush's decision has been widely lauded by

"This is an unexpected but brilliant move by the President," said Senate
Majority Leader Bill Frist. "Instead of spending billions and billions,
and billions of dollars rebuilding the state of Louisiana, we've just made
25 million dollars in pure profit."

"This is indeed a smart move," commented Fox News analyst Brit Hume.
"Not only have we stopped the flooding in our own budget, we've made money on
the deal. Plus, when the god-awful French are done fixing it up, we can
easily invade and take it back again."

The money gained from 'The Louisiana Refund' is expected to be
immediately pumped into the rebuilding of Iraq.