Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Location: The City, On the edge

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

341. Odds & Ends

Odds & Ends

Three more definitions from the Washington Post Invitational
Guiltar: a musical instrument whose strings are pulled by your mother. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)
Goodzilla: a giant lizard that puts out forest fires by stamping on them. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham Palace. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Monday, March 19, 2007

340. Washington Post Invitational, Week 699

Washington Post Invitational, Week 699 (Selected)
More definitions:

Fuhrenheit: The temperature in Hell. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
Eruditz: A philosophy professor who can't figure out how to work the copying machine. (John Kupiec, Fairfax)
Fearcical: Ludicrous yet vaguely alarming. "There's a fearcical rumor we're going to invade Venezuela." (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)
Epigramp: A maxim that brands the speaker as an old codger: "If God had wanted women to wear pants . . ." (Brendan Beary)
Tedema: That jowly Kennedy look. (Kevin Dopart)

Educrate: To teach in one of the "modules" set up "temporarily" in the parking lot of an overcrowded school. (Ted Einstein, Silver Spring)
Elbrow: Extremely long underarm hair. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)
Emacidate: Go out with a fashion model. (Kevin Dopart)
Demoticon: A little symbol signifying bad news on an e-mail from the boss. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Tempress: Today, Mistress of the Domains of Chaos; tomorrow, just another loser. (Ann Martin, Annapolis)

Zencompass: Wherever you go, there you are. (Kevin Dopart)
Unergy: A condition that strikes people on the way to work, mostly on Mondays. (Janet Alexandrow, Springfield)
Ennaui: The least exciting of the Hawaiian islands. (Brendan Beary)
Entrophy: The consequence of resting on one's laurels. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

Eohoppus: A prehistoric kangaroo. (Brendan Beary)
Enguish: What elocution teachers feel when they hear the president on the radio. (Karl Koerber, Crescent Valley, B.C.)
Estchew: To stay on daylight saving time. (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.)
Stonia: A small European country with very loose drug laws. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Innui: How you feel upon seeing the same landscape painting you saw in your last six hotel rooms. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.)

Erstwhale: The success story in the Jenny Craig ad. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)
Nestrogen: A hormone produced during pregnancy that produces cravings for wallpaper with matching borders and dust ruffles. (Brendan Beary)
Estrogent: Someone who asks if the fabulous pumps are available in a 13 1/2 E. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)
Excaliburp: Sword swallower's reflux. (Marian Carlsson, Lexington, Va.)

Excretary: The office worker who seems to spend two hours a day in the bathroom. (Jay Shuck)
Exhillaration: what Monica almost caused in Bill. (Peter Metrinko)
Experdition: The journey to Hell. (Martin Bancroft; Mae Scanlan, Washington)
Excavhate: To dredge up an old grievance during an argument. (Mike Fransella, Arlington)
Macebook.com: For warding off cyber-stalkers. (Ben Aronin, Washington)

FAQu: The response to frequently asked stupid questions. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)
Yellowship: Cowards Anonymous. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)
Fiefdome: A state capitol building. (Creigh Richert, Aldie)
Foaly: A elderly horse who likes to bother young colts. (John Holder, Charlotte)
Farternity: An old boys' club. (David Franks, Wichita)

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

339. New Workplace Definitions

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!

1) BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2) SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3) ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4) SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5) CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
6) PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7) MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8) SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9) STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10) SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11) XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
12) IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
13) PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14) ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15) 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16) GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17) OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).
18) WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
19) CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

Friday, March 02, 2007

338. Washington Post Invitational, Week 698

Washington Post Style Invitational, Week 698

In which we sought questions that might (but even we hope would not) be asked by either the interviewer or the applicant during a job interview.

Interviewer: Assuming we're not all mowed down by the disgruntled psycho you're being hired to replace, where do you see yourself in 20 years? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Interviewer: If you could rid the world of any ethnic minority, which one would you get rid of, and why? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Interviewer: Sell me this pocket lint! (Stephen Dudzik)

Interviewer: Prove the Mordell-Weil theorem states for any abelian variety A over a number field K. Nah, I'm kidding. Who's your favorite serial killer? (Ezra Deutsch-Feldman, Chicago)

Interviewer: So, with my last assistant, I'm, like, do it. And he's, like, uch. And I'm, like, what? And he's, like, no way. Now I'm, like, I need this done. And he's, like, I'm outta here. So: Are you like that, too? (Dina Feivelson, New York)

Interviewer: Here's a picture of my mother -- do you find her attractive? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Interviewer: So where do you see yourself five incarnations from now ? -- Outsource2India.com, Bangalore, India (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.)

Interviewer: Even though drug testing isn't part of our hiring process, could you pee in this cup anyway, just for me? (Brendan Beary)

Interviewer: Is there anything even remotely funny about Dilbert's skewering of middle management? (Stephen Dudzik)

Interviewer: We respect all faiths and creeds, of course. But to take a hypothetical situation -- let's say you were caught on the 20th floor as a fire raged. What would be the name of the deity you'd implore for help? (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)

Interviewer: Do you always wear such conservative dresses? (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.)

Interviewer: What do you have to say about God for shirking work on the seventh day? (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

Interviewer: We're looking for a strong supervisor. Do you spank your children? How about your wife? (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

Interviewer: The last guy could turn his hand 360 degrees around his arm. What talent would you bring to the company? (Creigh Richert, Aldie)

Applicant: Say, those girls in the photos on your desk, are they seeing anyone, well not the fat one, but those other two? (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Applicant: So will Wal-Mart give me time off from the cash register for my union organizing duties? (Axel Brinck, Montreal)

Applicant: Are conjugal visits allowed? (Gregory James, Mitchellville)

Applicant: On Casual Fridays, can I wear my footie pajamas? (David Moss, Arlington)

Applicant: Is your pension plan still operative in event of the Rapture? (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Applicant: You all don't drop everything, put candles on a cupcake and do that whole clapping-and-singing thing around somebody who's said it's his birthday, right? 'Cause I once set a guy on fire like that. I wish I could say it was accidental. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Applicant: If I don't take any bathroom breaks, can I leave work early each day? (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg)

Applicant: Is there a minimum period to qualify for severance pay? (Chuck Smith)

Applicant: Before I sit down, do you mind if I sanitize the chair? (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

Applicant: Would you like to see some pictures of my cats? (Jack Fiorini, Williamsburg)

Applicant: Would you mind terribly if I called you Dad? (Jay Shuck)