Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Location: The City, On the edge

Sunday, April 30, 2006

192. Why We Beer Drinkers Drink Beer

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Friday, April 28, 2006


Subject: Children and science

Almost better than a cup of coffee to start your morning. If you need a
laugh , read through these Children's Science Exam Answers. These are real
answers given by children.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the
moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the
borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the
five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

190. Federal Employee Evaluation Comments

These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed"
4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite
won't be"
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy"
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"
13. "He's been working with glue too much"
14. "He would argue with a signpost"
15. "He has knack for making strangers immediately"
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"
18. "If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"
19. "A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"
20. "A prime candidate for natural deselection"
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"
22 "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"
23. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"
24. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"
25. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"
26. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"
27. "Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

189. Assassin Job Interview

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all
the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3
finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the
men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your
wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never
shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He
took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given
the same instructions, to kill her hus band. She took the gun and went into
the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming,
crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door
opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair"

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

188. How A Retired Person Spends His Day

I went to the store the other day.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a
city cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a
break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket
for having worn tires.
So I called him a piece of horse manure. He finished the second ticket
and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20
minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a darn.
My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important at my age.

Monday, April 24, 2006

187. The Birth Order Of Children


Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing
didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidermal in your eighth month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold
them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only
the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go
home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some
juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain
about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby
Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home
five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number
where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child
isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin
to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

Sunday, April 23, 2006

186. Cows & The California Way

A tale of California bull

You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks. It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages. You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows". Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children". Gray Davis had already signed a law giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cow starves to death. The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

185. Cows & The Enron Method

From Barron’s Magazine

First lets review the basics:
Under feudalism, you have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Under fascism, you have two cows. The government seizes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Under communism, you have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government owns all the milk.

Under capitalism, you have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies; you sell out, invest the money and retire on the income.

With Enron, you have two cows. You borrow 80% of the forward value of the two cows from your bank, then buy another cow with 5% down and the rest financed by the seller on a note, bearing interest at twice the prime, callable if the market cap of your publicly listed company, whose stock you've put up as collateral, goes below $20 billion. You sell the three cows to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at a second bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated unit, so that you get four cows back, plus a tax exemption for five cows.
To continue: The milk rights of six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Islands firm secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report trumpets that the company owns eight cows with an option on one more. All of the above transactions are cheerfully blessed by your independent auditors, who, of course, served as consultants on said transactions, but only after the fact.
Now, you are all set to disclose, via press release and conference call with analysts, that Enron, a major owner of cows, will begin trading cows over the Web. Analysts proclaim Enron the prototypical New Economy company, bull the shares to the moon, enabling you to sell huge globs of the stock and use part of the proceeds to buy a state-of-the-art shredding machine.
So, it is obvious that the fault lies with the investors. If they had continued to have faith in this brilliant plan there would not be a problem.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

184. Hunting and Penis Size Study

Dimunitive Male Genitalia Disorder
Studies About DMGD Data Comaparison Charts Research FAQ Educational Resources Newsroom Staff Contact
March 29, 2005

New Research Finds Long-Suspected Link Between Hunting and Small Penis Size

Diminutive male genitalia disorder (DMGD) has, until this month, been considered only a theory in the scientific world, but now the long-suspected link between hunting and unusually small penis size has been established as scientific fact by the Diminutive Male Genitalia Disorder Research Organization (DMGDRO). The DMGDRO has conducted an extensive two-year study on men with diminutive male genitalia disorder.

Lead by Mike Streams and Brian Upchurch, who began their collaboration on human sexuality research while undergraduate students at Johns Hopkins University, DMGDRO is a team of New Orleans, Louisiana-based scientists interested in the study of male sexual disorders and dysfunction. Having identified the genetic disorder linking small male reproductive organs and the ability to derive pleasurable sensations from killing in a controlled environment without fear of personal harm (as differentiated from war or fighting back in an attack by a human being), also known as “controlled victim” aggression manifestation, Streams and Upchurch believe that there may be ways to combat men's feelings of inadequacy and curb some of the destructive behaviors that such men engage in as coping mechanisms.

“It's really quite interesting,” Dr. Streams says. “Like much folklore, it appears that, certainly in this case, there is a foundation in fact. This is the first time that research has been conducted on men who hunt, and it shows quite definitively that the link between what we are calling ‘the thrill of the kill' and a smaller-than-average penis is statistically significant."

Initial tests conducted on mice and rabbits proved inconclusive, but subsequent human test subjects showed what Dr. Upchurch calls “staggering results.” The subjects ranged from having a slight abnormality in penis size to a “pubis innyus” or inverted male pubic region. As data were gathered, the numbers revealed a discrepancy so great that it seemed to suggest a genetic mutation. By tracing what has been identified as the “DMGD gene,” an abnormality was discovered on the 21 st chromosome. Further investigation proved that this abnormality is consistently linked to two traits: abnormally small reproductive organs and “controlled victim” aggression manifestation. Drs. Streams and Upchurch and their colleagues theorize that an extreme case of DMGD may have been to blame in the 2004 Sawyer County, Wisconsin, incident in which a hunter went on a rampage, shooting at a group of other hunters and killing six of them.

Reaction from participants has been positive, and subjects described the results as liberating and a relief to finally be able to label their problem as a legitimate medical disorder.

Dr. Upchurch reports, “The first step in the treatment of a disorder is to understand its origins. We are pleased to have crossed that important threshold.”
Studies | About DMGD | Data | Comparison Charts | Research Faq | Educational Resources | Newsroom | Staff | Contact

Friday, April 21, 2006

183. Living Will Instructions

You may want to file or send to your next of kin

I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood ethically-challenged politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a glass of wine, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the self-seeking hypocritical members of a legislative body (State or Federal) enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for political office, including the presidency. If they wish to play politics with someone's life, let it be their own. Leave me alone to die in peace.

I couldn't care less if a thousand religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. Who made my life their business, ferchrissakes?

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.

_____________________ __________________
Signature DATE__________ Witness DATE__________

Thursday, April 20, 2006

182. Signs You Live In Arizona

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the
steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the
toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture
lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face
when you open your oven door.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

181. Signs You Are A Redneck

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying,"Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Monday, April 17, 2006

180. The First Woman President

The first woman President is elected. She's Jewish, and calls her
Mother: "Ma, I've won the election. You've got to come to the Inauguration!"
"I don't know. What would I wear?"
"Don't worry, Christian Dior is designing a dress just for you."
"But I only eat kosher food."
"Ma, the Rabbinical Assembly is sending a mashgiach to kosher the
entire White House."
"But how will I get there?"
"I'll send Air Force One to pick you up."
"But where will I sleep?"
"You will sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom, and I'm having a mikvah
built just for you."
"OK, OK. If it makes you happy, I'll come." The great day comes,
and Mama is seated between two senators on the West Front of the
Capitol. Mama nudges one of the senators and says, "See that girl up there
with her hand on the Bible?" The senator replies, "Yes."
"Her brother is a doctor."

Sunday, April 16, 2006

179. How To Write A Rejection Notice

Memo from a chinese Economic Journal
We have read your manuscript with boundless delight.
If we were to publish your paper, it would be impossible
for us to publish any work of lower standard, and as it is
unthinkable that in the next thousand years we shall see its
equal, we are, to our regret, compelled to return your divine
composition, and to beg you a thousand times to overlook our
short sight and timidity.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

178. George Carlin On Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I
Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a
little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

Friday, April 14, 2006

177. Ground Controller Humor

Taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to
turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop
right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference
between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the
embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now
you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can
expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to
chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of
mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running
high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking: Wasn't I married to you once?"
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long
roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751,
make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If
you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a
right at the lights and return to the airport."
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers"
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened
to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206".
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747
pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is
a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard
the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."

Thursday, April 13, 2006

175. Ig Nobel Prize Winners

My Favorites From the Ig Nobel Prize Winners

Steven Stack of Wayne State University, Detroit, Michigan, USA and James Gundlach of Auburn University, Auburn, Alabama, USA, for their published report "The Effect of Country Music on Suicide.

Jillian Clarke of the Chicago High School for Agricultural Sciences, and then Howard University, for investigating the scientific validity of the Five-Second Rule about whether it's safe to eat food that's been dropped on the floor.

Jack Harvey, et al, for their irresistible report "An Analysis of the Forces Required to Drag Sheep over Various Surfaces."

Eleanor Maguire, et al, for presenting evidence that the brains of London taxi drivers are more highly developed than those of their fellow citizens.

Yukio Hirose of Kanazawa University, for his chemical investigation of a bronze statue, in the city of Kanazawa, that fails to attract pigeons.

John Trinkaus, of the Zicklin School of Business, New York City, for meticulously collecting data and publishing more than 80 detailed academic reports about things that annoyed him
(such as: What percentage of young people wear baseball caps with the peak facing to the rear rather than to the front; What percentage of pedestrians wear sport shoes that are white rather than some other color; What percentage of swimmers swim laps in the shallow end of a pool rather than the deep end; What percentage of automobile drivers almost, but not completely, come to a stop at one particular stop-sign; What percentage of commuters carry attaché cases; What percentage of shoppers exceed the number of items permitted in a supermarket's express checkout lane; and What percentage of students dislike the taste of Brussels sprouts.)

Stefano Ghirlanda, et al, for their inevitable report "Chickens Prefer Beautiful Humans."

Karl Kruszelnicki of The University of Sydney, for performing a comprehensive survey of human belly button lint -- who gets it, when, what color, and how much.

K.P. Sreekumar and the late G. Nirmalan of Kerala Agricultural University, India, for their analytical report "Estimation of the Total Surface Area in Indian Elephants."

David Schmidt of the University of Massachusetts for his partial solution to the question of why shower curtains billow inwards.

Buck Weimer of Pueblo, Colorado for inventing Under-Ease, airtight underwear with a replaceable charcoal filter that removes bad-smelling gases before they escape.

David Dunning of Cornell University and Justin Kreuger of the University of Illinois, for their modest report, "Unskilled and Unaware of It: How Difficulties in Recognizing One's Own Incompetence Lead to Inflated Self-Assessments."

Donatella Marazziti, et al, for their discovery that, biochemically, romantic love may be indistinguishable from having severe obsessive-compulsive disorder.

The Reverend Sun Myung Moon, for bringing efficiency and steady growth to the mass-marriage industry, with, according to his reports, a 36-couple wedding in 1960, a 430-couple wedding in 1968, an 1800-couple wedding in 1975, a 6000-couple wedding in 1982, a 30,000-couple wedding in 1992, a 360,000-couple wedding in 1995, and a 36,000,000-couple wedding in 1997.

The British Royal Navy, for ordering its sailors to stop using live cannon shells, and to instead just shout "Bang!"

The Kansas State Board of Education and the Colorado State Board of Education, for mandating that children should not believe in Darwin's theory of evolution any more than they believe in Newton's theory of gravitation, Faraday's and Maxwell's theory of electromagnetism, or Pasteur's theory that germs cause disease.

Ellen Kleist of Nuuk, Greenland and Harald Moi of Oslo, Norway,
for their cautionary medical report "Transmission of Gonorrhea
Through an Inflatable Doll."

Presented jointly to Jim Knowlton, modern Renaissance man, for his
classic anatomy poster "Penises of the Animal Kingdom," and to the
U.S. National Endowment for the Arts for encouraging Mr. Knowlton
to extend his work in the form of a pop-up book.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

175. Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

174. School Sticker Disclaimer

Textbook Disclaimer Stickers

Wording for the first disclaimer is taken verbatim from the sticker designed by the Cobb County School District in Georgia, although parts are clearly plagiarized from Alabama's disclaimer sticker.

1. This textbook contains material on evolution. Evolution is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of living things. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered.

2. This textbook states that the earth is over 4 billion years old. Because some people strongly believe that the earth cannot be this old, the material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered.

3. This book discusses heliocentrism, that the Earth orbits around a centrally located Sun. Because astronomers still disagree over the details of the heliocentric model, this material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered.

4. This textbook suggests that the earth is spherical. The shape of the earth is a controversial topic, and not all people accept the theory. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered.

5. This textbook contains material on gravity. Gravity is a theory, not a fact, regarding a force that cannot be directly seen. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered.

6. This book does not contain the word evolution, the unifying principle in biology and an important component of the National Science Standards and the Scholastic Achievement Test. For an overview of what your class is missing, go to: http://evolution.berkeley.edu/

7. This textbook claims that evolution is not fully accepted by scientists because it is just a theory. The author hopes to confuse you into equating "scientific theory" with "cockamamie theory. "To read a short blurb on what a scientific theory is, go to, http://wilstar.com/theories.htm.

8. This book discusses gods. The existence of entities with supernatural powers is controversial, and many believe that myths, especially other people's myths, are fictional. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered.

9. This book mentions Creationism, New Creationism, Scientific Creationism, or Intelligent Design. All of these beliefs rely on the action of a supernatural entity to explain life on earth. Scientists rejected supernatural explanations for life in the 1800s, and still do today. This book was anonymously donated to your school library to discreetly promote religious alternatives to the theory of evolution. When you are finished with it, please refile the book in the fiction section.

10. This book discusses evolution. President George W. Bush said, "On the issue of evolution, the verdict is still out on how God created the Earth."Therefore, until 2008 this material shood be aproched with an open mind, studdeed carefuly, and critcly consid'rd.

Monday, April 10, 2006

173. Lightbulbs & President Bush

How many Bush Admin. Officials does it take to change a light bulb?

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced.
2. One to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb.
3. One to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb.
4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs.
5. One to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton one million dollars for a light bulb.
6. One to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush dressed in flight suit and wrapped in the American flag.
7. And finally, one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

172. California State Employee Code

The Governator's 2005 Girly-Man Handbook for California State Employees

SICK DAYS---We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS---Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK---Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get
5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

DRESS CODE---It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE---This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have no employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary funeral should be schedule in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave that much earlier.

RESTROOM USE---Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict three-minute time-limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under ''Chronic Offenders.'' Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.


Friday, April 07, 2006

171. Ten Commandments: Minnesota Style

1. Der's only one God, ya know.
2. Don't make that fish on your mantle an idol.
3. Cussing Minnesota ain't nice.
4. Go to church even when you're up nort.
5. Honor your folks.
6. Don't kill. Catch and release.
7. There is only one Lena for every Ole. No cheatin'.
8. If it ain't your lutefisk, don't take it.
9. Don't be braggin' about how much snow ya shoveled.
10. Keep your mind off your neighbor's hotdish.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

170. Washington Post Invitational - One

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

1. BOZONE (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone Layer, unfortunately,
shows little signs of breaking down in the near future.
2. INTAXICATION: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
3. REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
4. CASHTRATION (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5. SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
6. INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. HIPATITIS: Terminal coolness.
8. OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit)
9. KARMAGEDDON: It's like, when everybody is sending off these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
10. DECAFALON (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only the things that are good for you.
11. DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
12. ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
13. CATERPALLOR (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you are eating.
13. INGNORANUS: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

168. How to Say I Love You


1. English . . . . . . I Love You
2. Spanish . . . . . . Te Amo
3. French . . . . . . . Je T'aime
4. German . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich
5. Japanese . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu
6. Italian . . . . . . .Ti Amo
7. Chinese . . . . . . .Wo Ai Ni
8. Swedish . . . . . . .Jag Alskar

9. - 25. Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South
>Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana,
Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky & parts of Florida .

. . . Nice Ass, Get in the truck.

Monday, April 03, 2006


New Dog Breeds Recognized by AKC

The following new hybrid dog breeds are now recognized by the American Kennel Club:

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Bull..... Oh, never mind


Sunday, April 02, 2006

167. Quotes, Woody Allen and Others

When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. - Helen Rowland

Its is not true that life is one damn thing after another - it's one damn thing over and over. - Edna ST Vincent Millay

Englishwomen's shoes look as if they had been made by someone who had often heard shoes described but had never seen any. - Margaret Halsey

"The first human who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization." - Sigmund Freud

"The influence of each human being on others in this life is a kind of immortality." - John Quincy Adams

Woody Allen
** And Nietzsche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we're gonna live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
** What a wonderful thing, to be conscious! I wonder what the people in New Jersey do.
** The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
** I am at two with nature.
** Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

166. Irish Personal Ads

A collection of Irish personal ads, culled from the Dublin News.

Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancee, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.

Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open- minded twin sister.