Onward Bound Humor

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Monday, August 15, 2016

410. Where To Retire

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...       

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade. 
2. You've experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. 
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. 
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 
You can retire to California where...       
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 
3. You know how to eat an artichoke. 
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long  it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. 
6. The 4 seasons are:  
Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought. 
You can retire to New York City where...      
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.... 
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 
3. You think Central Park is "nature." 
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 
5. You've worn out a car horn (IF you have a car). 
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression. 
You can retire to Minnesota where...       
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup...
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas. 
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole. 
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair. 
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different", "she is different", or "It was different!"
You can retire to The Deep South where...       
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural. 
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense. 
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc. 
5. Everywhere is: ā€œin yonder,ā€ either "over yonder" or "out yonder". 
You can retire to Colorado where...        
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.  
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail. 
You can retire to Nebraska where...    
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor. 
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at."
FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...      
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars. 
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist,  proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist. 
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.


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