Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

342. Washington Post Invitational, Week 705

In which we asked for amusing analogies: Note that, unlike in the two previous analogy contests, we didn't ask for bad ones, just amusing ones. Sure, often their badness is what's funny about them, but even here, things don't always have to be bad to be good.

His heart sank like a rowboat made of fish sticks.
(W.H. Welsh IV, Springfield)

Jim was as nervous as an albino penguin in a bowling alley.
(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)

His eyes were a deep blue, like the color someone's lips turn when he's had a heart attack in the airport, just before he gets hit with the automatic external defibrillators.
(Anthony Yeznach, Wilsonville, Ore.)

Her mouth was so sensual and delicate you would never use the word "piehole" to describe it.
(Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

She felt alone and threatened, like a fat cell on a a fashion model's thigh.
(Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook)

As usual, Larry King's questioning was anything but tough -- it was like trying to stone a heretic with Peeps.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

The point of his argument came across about as clearly as the white subtitles in "The March of the Penguins."
(Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)

The truth was slippery, like a lake trout used as a ping-pong paddle.
(W.H. Welsh IV)

She was as thin as Ann Coulter after a bile-ectomy.
(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

His mustache looked like a fuzzy caterpillar seeking shade under a big nose.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

He mangled his prose the way he mangled his bifocals when they fell in the blender and ruined the margaritas, which he drank anyway, which might have been why he mangled his prose.
(Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

She was jumping up and down laughing hysterically, like a hyena duct-taped to a kangaroo.
(Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

Trying to keep down his anger was like trying to stuff Siamese twins into a garbage can: No matter what part you shoved down, some other part popped up.
(W.H. Welsh IV)

His life had reached a dead end, as if he had Googled "What do i do next?" and retrieved "HTTP Error 503: Service Unavailable."
(Jay Shuck)

Her pushed-up cleavage reminded him of two Charlie Brown heads.
(Randy Lee, Burke)

The dragonfly's wing was as iridescent as the silvery purple/blue streaks in Arby's sliced roast beef.
(Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)

Her eyes were entrancing, the pale liquid blue you see in the toilet bowl when the Ty-D-Bol tablet is almost gone.
(Dennis Lindsay)

Her emotions were a mixture of fear and joy, like when you have a really good-looking stalker.
(Kevin Marshall, South Riding)

Friday, April 20, 2007

342. A Modern Parable

A Modern Parable...

A Japanese company (Toyota ) and an American company (General
Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both
teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance
before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to
investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team
made up of senior management was formed to investigate and
recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person
steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1
person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a
consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a
second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were
steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent
another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management
structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area
steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the
1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was
called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings,
dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of
getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation
days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor
performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles,
and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money
saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the
next year's racing team was out sourced to India.

The End.