Onward Bound Humor

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Monday, January 19, 2009

395. From the Washington Post Invitational, Week 794

In which we asked for headlines a la those in the satirical newspaper the Onion:

Image of Tortilla Mysteriously Appears on Statue of Virgin Mary (M.C. Dornan)

'Liberal Elitist Press' Condemned by Ignorant Lowlife Redneck Hatemongers
(Chris Rollins)

In Final Trip to Beijing, Bush Calls on Premier to 'Tear Down This Wall'
(Malcolm Fleschner)

Shoelace Collection Instantly Loses All Value When Only Other Collector Dies (Eric Murphy)

Comedians Seek Bailout Until White Guy Elected President Again (Art Grinath)

Huge Breakthrough in Stem Cell Research That You Wouldn't Understand (Bob Sorensen)

McMansion Demolished to Make Room for Three McHovels (Mia Kim)

Striving for Change, Ford Introduces Hybrid Edsel (Bill Gee)

Defeat of Prop 8 Somehow Fails to Save Troubled Marriage (Greg Sanders)

Newspaper Industry Stakes Future on Monthly Obama Commemorative Editions (Eric Murphy)

'It's Not Like I Killed Somebody!' Simpson Complains of Sentence (John Folse)

Poultry Sales Again Show Unexplained November Spike (Mike Hammer, Arlington)

Terrorist Group Protests Being Described as 'Activists' (Marc Naimark)

Blogger Believes Government Covering Something Up (Mike Hammer)

Warner Bros. Greenlights 'Saw 6: A Special Musical Christmas' (Philip Strub)

Woman Hospitalized After Son's Careless Sidewalk-Crack Stepping (Mike Hammer)

Mother Wants Store-Bought Gift for Once, Hides Craft Supplies (Jean Bonner)

Copy Editors Layed Off; Newsroom Operations Not Effected (Jeffrey Contompasis)

Global Markets Soar on News That 'All the Money Has Been Found' (Pete Kaplan, Charlotte)

Local Prison Doctor Delivers Lethal Injections With a Dose of Humor (Malcolm Fleschner)

'You Can Achieve Anything You Set Your Mind To,' World's Second-Fastest Man Tells Kids (Dan Dunn)

Friday, January 02, 2009

394. Hollywood Squares

These great questions and answers are from the days when the responses were spontaneous, not scripted (as they are now).

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. What made the monkey cry?
A. Paul Lynde: ..learning that Tarzan swings both ways.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. Charley, what story began with the discovery of magic beans?
A. Charley Weaver: Inherit the Wind!

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. You're watching balls going back and forth at speeds of up to 170 miles per hour. What's the sport?
A. Joan Rivers: Jogging!

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing-old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. If you're eating spaghetti the Italian way, what is in your left hand?
A. Paul Lynde: A fly swatter.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when great grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. What is a woman's most effective weapon?
A. Paul Lynde: A pair of 38's.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh