Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Location: The City, On the edge

Monday, October 31, 2005

3. The Pet Diaries

FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:
8:00 a.m. OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 a.m. OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 a.m. OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 a.m. OH BOY! GETTING RUBBED AND PETTED! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 a.m. OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
NOON OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 p.m. OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 p.m. OH BOY! TO THE PARK! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 p.m. OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
6:00 p.m. OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE!
6:30 p.m. OH BOY! WATCHING TV WITH MY MASTER! MY FAVORITE!
8:30 p.m. OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MASTER'S BED! MY FAVORITE!

From a cat's daily diary:
Day 183 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh food while I am forced to eat fishy-smelling
gunk.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
scoldings I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while
they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the
basement stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again
induced my self to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their
bed.
I continue to lurk atop high places, such as above the kitchen cabinets
and atop the armoire. I glare down on them, and I can see it makes them
leery, as they always force me to come down.
Another way I make them nervous is to disappear completely for hours,
and as I watch them searching and calling that stupid name they gave me,
I detect a great sense of worry. I will continue to do this.
Another way I have discovered that they do not like, is to stand
backwards in my toilet (they call it a litter box, what the hell is
that?), and shoot litter out onto the floor, along with an occasional
sampling of feces.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to
make them aware of what I am capable of, and to strike fear into their
hearts. However, they only cooed and condescended about what a good
little cat I was. Nothing is going according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering or meeting of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could
hear noises and detected the smell of good. Most importantly, I
overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." I
must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced that the other captives are flunkies, or perhaps even
informers. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird, on the other hand, has go to be a key informant. He speaks
with them regularly, and I am certain that he reports my every move. Due
to his current placement in the metal room, however, his safety is
assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
I will do better tomorrow, day 184.

Monday, October 03, 2005

2. The English Major

Decline and Fall: The English Major (from http://toniaizu.home.netcom.com/d09.html)

Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle belongs to those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away to study literature in our colleges.

Parents should look for signs that their children are taking the wrong path - don't expect your teenager to approach you and say, 'I can't stop reading Spencer.' By the time you visit her dorm room and find the secret stash of the Paris Review, it may already be too late.

What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major:

1. Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let her know you won't abandon her- but that you aren't spending a hundred grand to put her through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks, either. But remember that she may not be able to make a decision without help; perhaps she has just finished Madame Bovary and is dying of arsenic poisoning.
2. Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: 'I found this book in your purse. How long has this been going on?' Ask the hard question- Who is this Count Vronsky?'
3. Show her another way. Move the television set into her room. Praise her brother, the engineer. Introduce her to frat boys.
4. Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card. Make her stop signing her letters as 'Emma.' Force her to take a math class, or minor in Spanish. Transfer her to a Florida college.

You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or more of the following applies:

1. She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died.
2. She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic poet.
3. Next to her bed is a picture of: Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf, Faulkner, or any scene from the Lake District.

Most important, remember, you are not alone. To seek help for yourself or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of the American Literature Abuse Society, or look under ALAS in your telephone directory.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

1. A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up"revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and
"neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up vocabulary).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of -ize. You will
relearn your original national anthem,God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled
by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup, but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time,be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football
but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing
full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e., tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs,
with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.


(If you enjoy my brand of humor and have something to conribute please send it to: Bookgleaner@aol.com)