Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Location: The City, On the edge

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

106. Chickens & Roads Three


For the greater good.

Karl Marx:
It was an historical inevitability.

Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also
across you.

Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that
individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and
therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found
it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein:
The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken"
and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the
actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken
depends upon your frame of reference.

If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Salvador Dali:
The Fish.

It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson:
Because it could not stop for death.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

David Hume:
Out of custom and habit.

Jack Nicholson:
'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

John Sununu:
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so
quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, more fair than all
of Hellas' fine armies.

Henry David Thoreau:
To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Mark Twain:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Stephen Jay Gould:
It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but
we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories
despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the
genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the
specific behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological

So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which
has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with
fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a
paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's
dominion maintained.

Because of an excess of pleghm in its pancreas.

Andersen Consultant:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its
dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant
challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the
newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering
relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using
the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use
its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align
the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its
overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen
Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best
chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the
transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings
in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and
explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to
achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting
and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the
continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in
a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment
which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a
consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the
chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive
towards the creation of a total business integration solution.
Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more

Monday, January 30, 2006

105. Chickens & Roads Two

Why did the chicken cross the road?

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Grab the damn chicken before he gets to the other side of the road -- roast him or poach him, but
get rid of the eggs, too much cholesterol.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

104. Chickens & Roads One

Why did the chicken cross the road????

I don't think I should have to answer that question.

I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

What business is it of yours why the chicken crossed the road? The chicken had every right to cross the road, more right than you have, since the chicken never murdered or enslaved another animal for its own pleasure.

If the chicken crossed the road on my property, I would be fully justified in blocking its exit until the local authorities could arrive to arrest it for trespassing. I am a private person and should not have to be subjected to the "innocent mistakes" of common chickens.

Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. Alone.

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it overcame a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

It was a historical inevitability.

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN What chicken?

I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed.

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook---and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.


Saturday, January 28, 2006

103. Signs You Live In San Francisco

You know when you're in San Francisco when...

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
10. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
11. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
12. Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.
You don't even notice.
14. The guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M and your Avon rep is a guy in drag.
17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
18. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2000."
19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
21. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????
23. You AND your dog have therapists

Friday, January 27, 2006

102. Remaining U.S. CEOs Make A Break For It

Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border

SAN ANTONIO, Texas (Rooters) -- Unwilling to wait for their eventual
indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a
break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns
and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a
marketing expense.

"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked
the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso.
"Right in front of my daughters."

Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first
spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they
bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension
fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily
inflated Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit
for the fiscal second quarter.

This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its
underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to
California for $4.5 billion.

Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were
noticeably frustrated.

"First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand
behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse
spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every time we yell 'Stop in the name of the
shareholders!', they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the
phone all damn morning."


The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a
common executive weakness: media coverage. "Last night we caught about
24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNN anchor,"
said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to
a flame."

Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to
scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time
we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said
Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally
out of the loop on that.'"

Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer
Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph
Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global
Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis
Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have
already been indicted.

So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha
Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a
barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375.

"She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for
marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place
settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol
officer Jennet Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning
sun really adds texture to the stucco walls."

While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into
Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up
at the Alamo. "No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport,"
she said. "They're rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting
for each change as a sale.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

101. Help Root Out the Taliban

Since the Taliban and many Al Quaida cannot stand nudity and consider it
a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, this Saturday
afternoon at 2:00 pm. Eastern time, all North American women are asked
to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any
neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended
for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their
house to prove they think it's okay to see other women nude. And since
the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your
side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out
terrorists and applauds your participation. God Bless America!

Come on guys, get out there and support the gals as they root out the
terrorists hiding in YOUR neighborhood!!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

100. Rules For Movie Directors

1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2. Most dogs are immortal.
3. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
4. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving
7. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
8. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
9. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
10. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.
11. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
12. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
13. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
14. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
15. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
16. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
17. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
19. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
20. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
22. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
23. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
24. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
25. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
26. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
27. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
28. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
29. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
30. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
31. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
32. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
33. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
34. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
35. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

99. Woman's Perfect Breakfast

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Monday, January 23, 2006

98. A Man In A Baloon

A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range..
"Excuse me," he shouted. "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below responded: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West Longitude."
"You must be an engineer," responded the balloonist.
"I am," the man replied. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
Whereupon the man on the ground responded, "You must be a manager."
"That I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in the exact same position you were before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

97. Happy Marriage

The secret to a happy marriage from a man's point of view:

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex

4. It is important that these three women never meet.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

96. Computers versus Cars

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated "if GM had kept up with
the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
$25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a
new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

95. The College Theme Paper: He vs. She

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted. --------- STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit" established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored
her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semiliterate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered, tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of STUPID TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
Drop Dead.
Go To Hell.
Go drink some tea - idiot!!!!!.
A+ - I really liked this one

Friday, January 20, 2006

94. There's Nothing As Good As Bad Writing

A collection of freshman metaphors.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking ey lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long,it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

93. Van Gogh Relatives

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist
Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His dizzy aunt----------------------------------------Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------- U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white -------- Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois ---------------------------- Chica Gogh
His magician uncle --------------------------Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin -------------------------------- Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ---------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle -------------------------------- Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt --------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst ------------------------------ E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin -------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------- Way-to Gogh
The little bouncy nephew------------------------------ Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ------------------------------ Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van -- Winnie Bay Gogh

Well, there you Gogh!

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

92. Wisdumb

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

91. San Francisco Math Problems

Subj: Typical Math Problems for San Francisco Students
Tuesday, December 3, 2002 1:11:27 PM

1. Zelda and Jane were given a Rottweiler at their commitment ceremony. If
their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and they walk at a rate of 3/4
mile per hour, how much time will they spend discussing their relationship in public?

2. Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent, but Michael feels 3% better for every person he denigrates, how long will it take before he's ready to go home if one person walks by the cafe every two minutes?

3. Sanjeev has several piercings. If the likelihood of getting an infection
on a given day is 10% per piercing, what is the likelihood Sanjeev will need to renew his erythromycin prescription during the next week?

4. Chad wants to take half a pound of heroin to Orinda and sell it at a 20%
profit. If it originally cost him $1,500 in food stamps, how much should Nicole write the check for?

5. The City and County of San Francisco decide to destroy 50 rats infesting
downtown. If 9,800 animal rights activists hold a candlelight vigil, how many people did each dead rat empower?

6. A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white sock are tossed randomly in a drawer. What is the likelihood that the first two socks drawn will be socks of color?

7. George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple lattes every morning. If
each shot of espresso contains 490 mg of caffeine, what is George's average
caffeine density in mg/pound?

8. There are 4,500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them recycle plastic. If each household recycles 10 soda bottles a day and buys one polar fleece pullover per month, does Mill Valley have a monthly plastic surplus or deficit? Bonus question: Assuming all the plastic bottles are 1-liter size, how much Evian are they drinking?

9. If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker in 30 seconds, and the waitress brings a platter of 12 pot stickers, how long will it take five vegans to not eat them?

10. Todd begins walking down Market Street with 12 $1 bills in his wallet.
If he always gives panhandlers a single buck, how many legs did he have to step over if he has $3 left when he reaches the other end and met only one double amputee?


1. Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John and Effie share a three-bedroom apartment on Guerrero for $2400 a month. Effie and Trip can share one bedroom, but the other three need their own rooms with separate ISDN lines to run their web servers. None of them wants to use the futon in the living room as a bed, and they each want to save $650 in three months to attend Burning Man.
What is their best option?

a. All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share as handgun monitors at Mission High.

b. Ask Miles, the bisexual auto mechanic, to share Effie and Trip's bedroom
for $500 per month.

c. Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling her annual digital-artists-of-color stipend.

d. Rent strike.

Jo Ellen Peterson

90. Living By God's Laws

Subj: Open letter to Dr Laura
Date: Monday, November 25, 2002 7:59:41 PM

Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to
people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that as an
observant Orthodox Jew homosexuality is an abomination according to
Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The
following is an Open Letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which
was posted on the Internet:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from your radio show, and I try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advise from you, however, regarding some of the specific
Bible laws and how to follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her? She's 18 and starting University. Will the slave buyer
continue to pay for her education by law?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how
do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend
of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? ....Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to
kill him myself, or should this be a neighborhood improvement project?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have
a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does
my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? Would
contact lenses help ?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by
Lev.19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of
two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to
curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the
trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16)
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we
do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you
can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal
and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

Monday, January 16, 2006

89. Wall Street Merger Rumors

Are your investments in order? Below are some of the latest merger rumors from Wall Street:

*Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
*Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.
*3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
*John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
*Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.
*Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.
*Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.
*Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.
*Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.
*3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.
*Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW

Saturday, January 14, 2006

88. How To Talk Southern

How to talk native southern in one easy lesson

Aig - what a hen lays
Aints - He's got aints in his paints
Arn - Ma's tard of arnin
Bag - He bagged her to marry him
Cheer - what you set in
Core - He got hisself a new Ford core
Crick - a small stream
Far - what get the brandin arn hot
Flar - a rose is a purdy flar
Grain - She was grain with envy
Hail - where bad folks go
Hard- got a brend new hard hand
Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n
Hillbilly - People in the next county
Mere - what you see your self in
Petition - What separate the rooms
Puppet - what the preacher is in
Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher
Rang - you wear it on your fanger
Rat - Do it rat now!
Roont - She plum roont her shoes
Rut - that there tree sure has long ruts
Salary - A stringy vegetable
Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail
Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death
Storch - this here aprn has to much storch in it
Tar - his core blew a tar
Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart
Tho -tho me the ball
War - a bobbed war fance
Warter - what you worsh your face in
Worsh - go worsh your face
Yurp - a continent overseas

Friday, January 13, 2006

87. More Hollywood Squares

Q. Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
A. Paul Lynde: Yes, but it still won't go up to your apartment.

Q. Peter Marshall: Is it true that heavy consumption of alcohol can cause hearing loss?
A. Charley Weaver: Marco Polo.

Q. Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
A. Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Q. Peter Marshall: What are "Do It", "I Can Help", and "Can't Get Enough"?
A. I don't know but its coming from the next apartment.

Q. Peter Marshall: According to Zsa Zsa, does black look good sexy on a women?
A. Redd Fox: I wouldn't have it any other way.

Q. Peter Marshall: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q. Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or you elephant?
A. Who told you about my elephant?

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

86. Hollywood Squares

Those of us old enough to remember the old Hollywood Squares Game (before Whoopi) will appreciate these. These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now. These are from the old Hollywood Squares show in the 70's.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A : Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

85. What A Difference 30 Years Makes

1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: KEG
2002: EKG

1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm

1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage

1972: Popping pills, smoking joints
2002: Popping joints

1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer

1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office

1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco
2002: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Taking acid
2002: Taking antacid

1972: Passing the drivers' test
2002: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever
2002: Depends

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

84. A Selection From Esquire Magazine

If a woman asks you how many sexual partners you've had, the only answer is twelve. Mark Motroni
A minivan is the first indication that someone has given up. Doug Gonterman
Some people will volunteer for just about any job, no matter how crappy.
Try to sit next to these people in meetings. Bob Sorensen
Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree. Leo McCarron
There's no shame in a Honda. Charles Terry
Independence is an aphrodisiac. Noah Kodeck
The colder the climate the sadder the people. Rachel Healy
I wash my sheets every Thursday. It's just an optimistic way to go into the weekend. Christopher Hebert
Some things are best left un-Googled. Greg Robicheaux
You can tap, bang, and caress the bottle all you want; the ketchup will come out when it's good and ready. Kate Lacroix
Watching the ball game with your father is equivalent to three hugs and five I love yous. Darrell Harris
Fundamentalism is a bad thing in all areas except sports. Zach Mohs
The divorce rate is around 50 percent. I wonder what it would be if all the couples who wanted to get divorced actually did so. John Santello
The trouble with dealing with crazy people is that they're not crazy all the time. Mike Gamble
Don't honk at old people. It just confuses them further. Doug Miller
If men were the ones having babies, there would be drive-through abortion clinics and someone asking you, Would you like fries with that? Olivia Fairweather
Your grandfather's coffin is heavier than you expect. Your father's coffin is heavier than you can bear. Todd Lowe

Sunday, January 08, 2006

83. Kid's Letters To God

Dear God, thank you for the baby brother but what I asked
for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can
look it up.
Dear God, if we come back as somebody else, please don't
let me be Jennifer Horton - because I hate her.
Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses
his golf words in the house?
Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was
it an accident?
Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old
days and don't do any now?

Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer
camp this year.
Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they
each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my
Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't
sound right. What do you say?
Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right
place. Why can't you do that with the moon?
Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

82. Armageddon, How Will It Be Covered?

Armageddon, How Will It Be Covered? by Will Durst (edited)

1. New York Times: Billions Perish. Bush Calls for Caution
2. Golf Digest: Don't Let A Containment Suit 'Nuke' Your Swing
3. Life: Parting Shots; The Collection
4. Gourmet: Why Not Worms?
5. Better Homes and Gardens: Rocks; The Forgotten Furniture; Tradeoffs Between Flat and Round
6. Rolling Stone: The End of Outdoor Concerts?
7. Horse And Track: Gilding, Pros and Cons
8. Playboy: The 10-Foot Tall Girls of Ground Zero
8. Redbook: How to Brighten Your Nuclear Winter With Spam
9. New York Post: Mideast Missing. Long Islanders Delayed. Knicks Lose Opener
10. Fortune: The 50 Best Cemeteries in America For Gold Recovering
11. Vogue: This Fall; Breakthrough in Burlap
12. Time: Is Heaven Real?
13. Newsweek: The Other Side; What Gives
14. Architectural Digest: David Letterman's Cave; At Home With Stalactites
15. Connoisseur: A New Appreciation for ... Water
16. Variety: Civilization Slumps. Rocky VII on Hold
17. GQ: Refugee Chic
18. People: Armageddon; Picks and Pans
19. Weight Watchers: Learning How to Say YES!
20. Field and Stream: Tracking the 90-LB 4-Eyed House Cat
21. Cosmopolitan: 30 Seductive Ways You Can Gain Entrance Into A Secure Bunker
22. American Rifleman: A Review of the New Model 30 Single Action Slingshot
23. USA Today: How We'll Die; A Graph
24. Yachting: Tacking into a Mushroom Cloud; A Partial Diary
25. Forbes: At Last! The End of Taxes
26. National Enquirer: Liz Falls Off Diet, New Fiance Missing

Friday, January 06, 2006

81. To All My Online Friends

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to
all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards"
over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure,
blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the
glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every
time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on
their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS
or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I
receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have
363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my
prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make
a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who
is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I
will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 7minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea
will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know
this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician.

80. Things You Should Know

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real

Thursday, January 05, 2006

79. My Obituray by Raymond Lesser

I looked at two different obituary pages yesterday. The one from the New York Times had headlines like:
Dr. Arnold Osterman, 85, Olympic Gold Medalist and Inventor of Heart Bypass Surgery.
And: Helen Wall, Broadway Star, Philanthropist, and Mother of Senator.
On the other hand in the Cleveland Plain Dealer, my hometown daily, the obituaries, which featured much bigger headlines, read like this:
Emma Kowalski, 88, Made Marvelous Coffee Cakes.
And: Henry Timmons, Was Gardener, Brewed Beer.

It made me think about what my own obituary might say. (Raymond Lesser, Liked to Drink Coffee and Read Newspapers.)
It dawned on me that I probably hadn't done any thing that would rate an obituary in the New York Times, even if I had died in New York. (Raymond S. Lesser, Loyal Out-of-Town Subscriber Found Dead in Adult Theater Near Times Square.)
This doesn't really concern me at moment since I intend to live for many more years and do many great and memorable things. But seeing as how I'm already 37 and haven't done anything that great or well known, at least not anything the New York Times has noticed, I began to wonder what it would take to make my obituary special.
I don't want to be remembered because of my relationship with someone else who is well-known.
(Husband of Woman Who Claims to Have Been Repeatedly Visited by Aliens Dies of Mysterious Causes.)
Nor do I want to be recalled as a subject of cutting edge medicine. (Courageous Recipient of First Transplanted Sheep Heart, Goose Liver, and Beef Tongue Is Run Over by Bus; Memorial Service to Be Held at Jacks Deli.)
And I obviously don't want to be known because of something bad I did.
(Raymond Lesser, Fisherman, Caught Last Remaining Blue-Striped Bass and Pan-fried It for Supper.)
I would like to be known for some great achievement in sports, but I think that is unlikely.
(Rabid Ray Lesser, Became Pro-Hockey Star After Learning to Skate at Age 38)
Nor do I stand much chance of making a great scientific discovery.
(R. S. Lesser, Discovered Gate to Alpha-Centauri While Searching for His Car Keys.)
It certainly is difficult to motivate oneself to attempt something meaningful after a busy week of doing everything that has to be done. So, in the end it will probably be:
Man, 62, Is Found Dead In Front of His TV. Neighbors Cant Remember His Name But Knew He Was Good At Jeopardy

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

78. Letter From A Farmer

Dear Ma and Pa,
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for the old man by a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because
you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to
sleep late.? Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your
cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix,
wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it
is not so bad, they get warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon, etc ..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried
eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can
always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus
yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these
city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon
Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my
place to tell him different. A"route march" is about as far as to our
mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in
trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a
schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors
and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk
and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at
home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't
even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt
and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and
come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

77. How Hot Is It In Hell?

How Hot Is It In Hell?

(a true story)

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam
for his graduate students. It had one question:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using
Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up
when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing
in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are
moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets
to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at
the different religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of
their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than
one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls
go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell
because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:

1). If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2). Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster
than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature
and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese
Banyan during my Freshman year,
"That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell
is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

Monday, January 02, 2006

76. The History Of Casual Day At The Office

Memo No. 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.
Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been
discontinued, effective immediately.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

75. Things I Wish I'd Known


1. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Why,
thank you" though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent).
2. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the
orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as
critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
3. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
4. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
5. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter and doesn't
like dogs/cats.
6. Good sex should involve laughter. Because think about it, it is
7. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move
and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
8. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship:
"I apologize" and "You are right".
9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to
eat crow while it's still warm.
11. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave
me was "Go! You might meet somebody!"
12. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe it.
13. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, Will this matter
one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?
14. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
15. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another
16. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because
of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other
person was right about you.
17. Knowing how to listen to music is as great a talent as knowing
how to make it.
18. Work is good but it's not that important.
19. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
20. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know
when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.