Onward Bound Humor

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Tuesday, January 10, 2006

84. A Selection From Esquire Magazine

If a woman asks you how many sexual partners you've had, the only answer is twelve. Mark Motroni
A minivan is the first indication that someone has given up. Doug Gonterman
Some people will volunteer for just about any job, no matter how crappy.
Try to sit next to these people in meetings. Bob Sorensen
Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree. Leo McCarron
There's no shame in a Honda. Charles Terry
Independence is an aphrodisiac. Noah Kodeck
The colder the climate the sadder the people. Rachel Healy
I wash my sheets every Thursday. It's just an optimistic way to go into the weekend. Christopher Hebert
Some things are best left un-Googled. Greg Robicheaux
You can tap, bang, and caress the bottle all you want; the ketchup will come out when it's good and ready. Kate Lacroix
Watching the ball game with your father is equivalent to three hugs and five I love yous. Darrell Harris
Fundamentalism is a bad thing in all areas except sports. Zach Mohs
The divorce rate is around 50 percent. I wonder what it would be if all the couples who wanted to get divorced actually did so. John Santello
The trouble with dealing with crazy people is that they're not crazy all the time. Mike Gamble
Don't honk at old people. It just confuses them further. Doug Miller
If men were the ones having babies, there would be drive-through abortion clinics and someone asking you, Would you like fries with that? Olivia Fairweather
Your grandfather's coffin is heavier than you expect. Your father's coffin is heavier than you can bear. Todd Lowe

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