Onward Bound Humor

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Sunday, January 01, 2006

75. Things I Wish I'd Known

THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE I WENT OUT IN THE REAL WORLD

1. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Why,
thank you" though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent).
2. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the
orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as
critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
3. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
4. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
5. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter and doesn't
like dogs/cats.
6. Good sex should involve laughter. Because think about it, it is
funny.
7. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move
and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
8. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship:
"I apologize" and "You are right".
9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to
eat crow while it's still warm.
11. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave
me was "Go! You might meet somebody!"
12. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe it.
13. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, Will this matter
one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?
14. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
15. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another
chance!
16. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because
of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other
person was right about you.
17. Knowing how to listen to music is as great a talent as knowing
how to make it.
18. Work is good but it's not that important.
19. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
20. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know
when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

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