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Monday, December 26, 2005

69. Congress Announces A New President

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States
of America will be outsourced to India as of December 30th, 2005.

The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and
also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the
office has incurred during the last 5 years.

"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be
significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the
aid of the Government Accounting Office, hás studied outsourcing of
American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on
the world stage with the current level of cash outlay,"Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination.

Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime. Gurvinder
Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the Office of
President as of December 30th.
Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were
vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position.
He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage
or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his Job
responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few
offices of the US Government will be open.
"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express
call center" stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited
about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."
A Congressional Spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should
not be a problem because Mr. Bush was not familiar with the issues either.
Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond
effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned
responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the
underlying issues at all.
"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President
Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona
in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation.

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day
of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible
for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be
eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. To
help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.
According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at
Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and
phony smile.
Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National
Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this
option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month, before being
sent to Iraq, a country he has visited.
"I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained
invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's
terminal and gift shop.

Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception
from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.

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