Onward Bound Humor

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Thursday, January 05, 2006

79. My Obituray by Raymond Lesser

I looked at two different obituary pages yesterday. The one from the New York Times had headlines like:
Dr. Arnold Osterman, 85, Olympic Gold Medalist and Inventor of Heart Bypass Surgery.
And: Helen Wall, Broadway Star, Philanthropist, and Mother of Senator.
On the other hand in the Cleveland Plain Dealer, my hometown daily, the obituaries, which featured much bigger headlines, read like this:
Emma Kowalski, 88, Made Marvelous Coffee Cakes.
And: Henry Timmons, Was Gardener, Brewed Beer.

It made me think about what my own obituary might say. (Raymond Lesser, Liked to Drink Coffee and Read Newspapers.)
It dawned on me that I probably hadn't done any thing that would rate an obituary in the New York Times, even if I had died in New York. (Raymond S. Lesser, Loyal Out-of-Town Subscriber Found Dead in Adult Theater Near Times Square.)
This doesn't really concern me at moment since I intend to live for many more years and do many great and memorable things. But seeing as how I'm already 37 and haven't done anything that great or well known, at least not anything the New York Times has noticed, I began to wonder what it would take to make my obituary special.
I don't want to be remembered because of my relationship with someone else who is well-known.
(Husband of Woman Who Claims to Have Been Repeatedly Visited by Aliens Dies of Mysterious Causes.)
Nor do I want to be recalled as a subject of cutting edge medicine. (Courageous Recipient of First Transplanted Sheep Heart, Goose Liver, and Beef Tongue Is Run Over by Bus; Memorial Service to Be Held at Jacks Deli.)
And I obviously don't want to be known because of something bad I did.
(Raymond Lesser, Fisherman, Caught Last Remaining Blue-Striped Bass and Pan-fried It for Supper.)
I would like to be known for some great achievement in sports, but I think that is unlikely.
(Rabid Ray Lesser, Became Pro-Hockey Star After Learning to Skate at Age 38)
Nor do I stand much chance of making a great scientific discovery.
(R. S. Lesser, Discovered Gate to Alpha-Centauri While Searching for His Car Keys.)
It certainly is difficult to motivate oneself to attempt something meaningful after a busy week of doing everything that has to be done. So, in the end it will probably be:
Man, 62, Is Found Dead In Front of His TV. Neighbors Cant Remember His Name But Knew He Was Good At Jeopardy

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