81. To All My Online Friends

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to
all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards"
over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure,
blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the
glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every
time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on
their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS
or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I
receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have
363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my
prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make
a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who
is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I
will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 7minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea
will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know
this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician.