Onward Bound Humor

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Saturday, September 30, 2006

312. Self-Test For Literature Abuse

Self-Test for Literature Abuse: How many of these apply to you?
( From http://toniaizu.home.netcom
After having this up for over a year, I finally received a note from the author, Michael McGrorty. Thanks for this delightful quiz, Michael!)
1) I have read fiction when I was depressed or to cheer myself up.
2) I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
3) I read rapidly, often "gulping" chapters.
4) I sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
5) I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without being seen.
6) Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read novels.
7) Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters speak.
8) I often read alone.
9) I have pretended to watch television while secretly reading.
10) I keep books or magazines in the bathroom for a "quick nip."
11) I have denied or "laughed off" criticism of my reading habit.
12) Heavy reading has caused conflicts with my family or spouse.
13) I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby.
14) I seldom leave my house without a book or magazine.
15) When travelling, I pack a large bag full of books.
16) At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
17) Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would otherwise avoid.
18) I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I finished a novel.
19) I become nervous, disoriented, or fearful when I must spend more
than 15 minutes without reading matter.
20) I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
21) I have sold books to support my reading "habit."
22) I have daydreamed about becoming a rich & famous writer, or "word-pusher."
23) I have attempted to check out more library books than is permitted.
24) Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
25) I have sometimes passed out or woken groggy or "hung-over" after a
night of heavy reading.
26) I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading.
27) I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read.
28) I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
29) Sometimes I think my fiction reading is out of control.

If you answered 'yes' to five or more of these questions, you may be a literature abuser. Affirmative responses to ten or more indicates a serious reading problem --seek help now! Fifteen or more "yes" responses indicates a severe or chronic "readaholic" personality. Intervention is seldom effective at this stage.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Additions to Michael's Test
Individuals from a Georgette Heyer list and visitors to this site have added their questions to the above test. Thanks to all who have shared.
...and from ARGH (Abused Readers of Georgette Heyer)
Laura A. Wallace added:
30) When you shop for furniture, do you always look at bookshelves?
31) Do you try to convince yourself that you don't really need other furniture, so that you can justify getting rid of it, so that you can buy more bookshelves?
32) Do some of your bookshelves have books at least two rows deep?
33) Do you bring a large cardboard box with you to library book sales?
34) When you last moved (i.e., changed place of residence), did you have more than ten boxes of books? And did you refuse to consider getting rid of any books to reduce the weight and cost of your move?

Cos added:
35) You don't buy a handbag unless you are sure that a book will fit in it.
36) You don't go ANYWHERE without a book.
37) You take a book to the choir practice just to sneak a look at it when the choir director is giving directions to the other voices.
38) You are able to read and walk at the same time.

Daniel added:
39) You refuse to buy jackets or coats unless they have at least one pocket big enough to hold a book. Well, at least I have an excuse. I need them to hold my notepads and pens so that people can talk to me and I to them.
40) You read novels when you should be writing essays on the Classical lifestyle.
41) You read your set texts for English during Classical Studies lectures. (Before anyone asks why I'm doing Classical Studies, it's not really my choice, it's the compulsory third course that all students must do, choosing from a list, and is usually dropped after 2 terms.)
42) You go psychotic when anybody badmouths your favourite authors. (DON'T ASK)
43) When given a book-token, your first thought is - "That's nowhere near enough!!"
44) You can't find the books you want so you write the kind of books you want....
45) You re-read the books you wrote to be the kind of books you want. because you couldn't find the books you wanted, and then want more of the same so you write some more books and then re-read them.

...and from visitors...
Gail Taylor added:
46) You go to the toilet for the express purpose of a few minutes of quiet reading time.
47) You catch a bus to work rather than drive because it gives you all that waiting and sitting time to read.
48) You own several copies of the classics, not to mention your favourite books.
49) You have more books loaned to friends and family than your friends and family OWN.
50) Your friends never use the phrase: "Have you read...." to you because they know you have.
51) You are currently reading about 4 books at once.
52) You read the book BEFORE the movie comes out.
53) You'll read anything new just because it's something you HAVEN'T read already.
54) You answer all the literature questions on quiz shows before the host
finishes the question.
55) While reading this you have a book open on your desk so you can read it while waiting for the computer.
(Sorry, I have to go, I'm just getting to the GOOD bit in my book!)

Gwen Hershiser added:
58) Even though on crutches, recovering from surgery, you are unable to resist an invitation to visit a bookstore.
59) You are unable to dine without a book propped up in front of your plate.
60) You hide your current reading inside a hymnbook, in order to continue
reading during the church service.
61) You beg your child to let you read aloud the next chapter of
"Harry Potter" at his bedtime.

Friday, September 29, 2006

311. American Lit Abuse Society (ALAS)

From http://toniaizu.home.netcom
After having this up for over a year, I finally received a note from the author, Michael McGrorty. Thanks for this delightful quiz, Michael!

Are You a Literature Abuser?

Literature Abuse: American's Hidden Affliction
Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse (or "readaholism") has risen to crisis levels due to the accessibility of higher education and increased college enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The number of literature abusers is currently at record levels.

Causes of Problem Reading
Excessive reading during pregnancy is the major cause of prenatal LA among the children of heavy readers. Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, it leaves its tiny victims prone to a lifetime of nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional instability.
Most abusers have at least one parent who abused literature, often beginning at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Siblings of abusers are also likely to become literature abusers. Spouses of an abuser may themselves become problem readers.
Other predisposing factors: parents who are English teachers, professors, or heavy fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children to play games, participate in healthy sports, or watch television.

Social Costs of Literature Abuse
Abusers become withdrawn and uninterested in society or normal relationships. They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy and daydream about "castles in the air," while neglecting work, friends, and family. In severe cases "problem readers" develop bad posture from reading in awkward positions, or from carrying heavy book bags. In the worst instances, they become cranky reference librarians in small towns.
Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of moral deformity among the children of English professors, teachers of English and creative writing. Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, this disease also leaves its victims prone to a lifetime of nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional instability.

Heredity
It has been established that heredity plays a considerable role in determining whether a person will become an abuser of literature. Most abusers have at least one parent who abused literature, often beginning at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Many spouses of an abuser become abusers themselves.

Other Predisposing Factors
Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or heavy fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children to play games, participate in healthy sports, or watch television in the evening.

Prevention
Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies in order to break the chain of abuse. English teachers in particular should seek partners active in other fields. Children should be encouraged to seek physical activity, and to avoid isolation and morbid introspection.

Warning
"Reading Addiction" has been classified as "behavior with a significant voluntary component," as defined in the Beatty-Eisner Amendment. If you are declared a "known literature abuser," you will become INELIGIBLE for SSA disability payments and/or ADA protections. Your fate is likely to be a life of poverty and despair, drifting from one dead-end job to another, as you wallow shamelessly in the causes of your addiction.
Return to Table of Contents

Little Known Side Effects of Literature Abuse (Eleanor Dinkins)
LA sufferers often develop such a love of words that words spilling into their daily intercourse with others, so a wise therapist will look for these side effects.
LA sufferers occasionally confound others with pretentious displays of multi-syllabic words and unstinted forays into immoderate puns.
In about .5% of one test group that had been deprived of books for a period of 3 months, test subjects resorted to creating crossword puzzles, word searches, anagrams, palindromes, double entendres, spoonerisms, malapropisms, limericks, tautologies, and other such word games to indulge their cravings for words.
A small percentage of LA victims become unnecessarily concerned with word origins and have been known to search etymologies from contemporary jargon back to Romance language roots, to Latin, and finally to original grunts and cave paintings.
Another side-affect of Literature Abuse is synonym abuse. LA sufferers will spend inordinate amounts of time searching through the lexicon for the most precisely descriptive word to fit a sentence; i.e., which synonym is better to describe their conversation... is it chitchatting, babbling, quarreling, wrangling, arguing, debating, discussing, talking, ad nauseum.

Monday, September 25, 2006

310. Washington Post Invitational #674, Contrast Two Words

In which we asked you to compare or contrast two words that differ by one letter:

Osama and Osaka: Given five years, the CIA might find Osaka. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Whores and chores: My wife has never given me a list of whores to do on my day off. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill)

Bra and bar: Only one of them will open to serve drinks to minors. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Genial and genital: It's okay to greet your neighbors with a genial wave. But its not okay to ........... (Brendan Beary)

There's no difference between PBS and PMS. They both put me in a state of blind, irrational fury. Then again, so does pretty much everything else. -- A. Coulter (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

God and GOP: It's hard to protect yourself from acts of either. (Yoyo Zhou, Cambridge, Mass.)

Bondo and Bonds: One is a synthetic body filler; the other is a body filled with synthetics. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Bird and Byrd: One goes with white wine, the other with pork. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Vader and Nader: Darth ultimately failed to empower the Dark Side. (Dave Kelsey, Fairfax)

Fast supper and Last Supper: One involves a happy meal. (Art Grinath)

Yuri and Suri: One is known for a little cruise made by a space scientist; the other is a little Cruise made by a spacey Scientologist. (Veggo Larsen, Palmetto, Fla.)

Copulating and populating: One is when two people become one; the other is when two people become three. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand)

The difference between a stud and a spud: About 10 years of marriage. (Chris Doyle)

World Cup and World Cop: Two things the United States is really lousy at. (Kevin Dopart)

The difference between Mt. McKinley and Mr. McKinley is, oh, about 20,325 feet. Plus 6. (Chris Doyle)

Rome and Rove: Only one of them got sacked. (Barbara Sarshik, McLean)

[from OnwardBoundHumor.blogspot.com]

Friday, September 22, 2006

309. Bush Postpones 2008 Election

Cites Constitutional Power to Protect Nation's Security

WASHINGTON, June 21, 2008. President Bush, citing his authority as
Commander in Chief of the armed forces and his inherent constitutional
power over foreign affairs, today ordered a postponement of the 2008
presidential election in order "to protect the American people in our
war on terror."

In a speech during a surprise visit to Baghdad, where he celebrated the
summer solstice with the troops, Mr. Bush told the nation that the
election will be "rescheduled as soon as a change in leadership does not
create a security threat and not a second later. When the Iraqis stand
up, we'll vote."

"Elections are important," the President acknowledged. "I know that. I
believe in elections. I'm President because of an election, sort of. But
protecting the nation from another 9/11 is more important than holding
an election precisely on time."

The President noted that as Commander in Chief, he had already approved
telephone wiretapping without court warrant, incarcerated alleged "enemy
combatants" indefinitely without trial and, in a February 2002 order,
now rescinded, had authorized the armed forces to ignore the Geneva
Conventions when "consistent with military necessity," so long as
everyone was treated "humanely."

"If I can do all that, I can defer an election," the President
said. "Look, as between not voting on time and getting locked up without
all those Geneva rules and such, which is worse?"

In a Washington press conference following the President's speech,
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales laid out the legal basis for his
department's conclusion that the President could postpone the election.

"Legally, it's simple," Mr. Gonzales said. "It depends on what the
meaning of 'four years' is. The Constitution says the President 'shall
hold his office during the term of four years.' It does not say 'only
four years' or 'four years and not a day more.' The Framers intended
'four years' to be a preference, not a rigid number. We should not take
it literally any more than the words 'hold his office' means no woman
can be President. A woman is running now.

"Time meant something different in 1789," Mr. Gonzales added. "This was
before airline schedules and self-winding watches. People didn't run
their lives by the clock. Many Americans didn't have clocks."

In a speech on the Senate floor, Joseph Lieberman (IND-Conn.) supported
the President's decision. "While I do not believe we should lightly
suspend the exercise of the franchise," he said, "protection of the
nation cannot be and must not be a partisan issue. As Americans, we can
all agree that security is the most important job of a President. We can
have a country without an election, but we cannot have an election
without a country. It's as simple as that."

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.), the likely Democratic nominee,
had no immediate comment, but her office said she will hold a news
conference following the results of early polling. A spokesperson for
her campaign, granted anonymity because she was not authorized to speak
to the press about anything, said the senator "is absolutely opposed to
postponing the election as such, but she is amenable to rescheduling the
day designated for the actual vote. There is a difference."

Senator Arlen Specter (R-Pa.), chairman of the Judiciary Committee, said
he was "troubled" that he had not been consulted on the President's
decision. He vowed to "hold hearings following the day that should have
been election day if I am chairman of the committee at that time.
Unfortunately, we're backlogged on judicial nominations at the moment,
and then there's the summer recess. People have plans and non-refundable
tickets."

At his press conference, Mr. Gonzales denied that the Supreme Court's
2006 rejection of military tribunals meant that the President could not
delay an election. That decision, known as Hamdan, rested on federal
statutes and the Geneva Accords. "Hamdan was about trials, not voting,"
he explained. "Geneva doesn't apply to voting. It's a mistake to confuse
the two."

Asked if he expected a court challenge to the President's decision, Mr.
Gonzales said he was "resigned to the prospect that some may cynically
try to use this for their own political advantage." But he added that he
was "confident that if the case reaches the Supreme Court, five Justices
will agree with our interpretation of 'four years.'"

The above piece is from the current issue of The Nation magazine. It was written by Stephen Gillers, Law Professor at New York University. In case your mystified, this is a satire. But sometimes in a mad world, satires turn into reality.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

308. Child Support Agency Replies

The following are reputedly replies included on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing details about the father:

* Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by John Smith. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

* I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

* I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks

* I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto heel in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

* I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

* I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise.

* I do not know who the father of my child was as all squadies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

* John Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

* From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney -- maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

* So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to a party, my eggs might have remained unfertilised.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

307. What A Women Wants In A Man!

Original List:(Age 18-31)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers! punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
[From OnwardBoundHumor.blogspot.com[

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

306. Wahington Post - Bad Analogies

Bad analogies from the Washington Post Invitational

1) Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3) He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a
solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4) She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5) She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7) He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8) The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12) Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17) He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18) Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19) Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20) The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21) The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22) He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23) The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24) It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25) He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

305. English Signs In Foreign Counries

Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED
AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE
THE MANAGER.
On an Athi River highway: this is the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi.
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
A Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT
THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN
AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY
EXCEPT THURSDAY."
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE
SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR
THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING
A GOOD TIME.
From: onwardboundhumor.blogspot.com

Monday, September 11, 2006

304. A Fairy Story

A fairy story

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time I will grant you each a wish."
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my dear Husband," said the wife.
The fairy waved her magic wand and Poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hand.
Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
Both the wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...
So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember that fairies are female.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

303. The Lemon Squeeze

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, wrestlers, etc...) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK," grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
The crowd's laughter turned to silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender pays the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I'm a fund raiser for the United Jewish Appeal."

Friday, September 08, 2006

302. George Carlin's 2006 Rules

There' a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.
Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay.
If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people.
Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label.
And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier!
By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN , pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again,
the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli."
The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just confused.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.

Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving,
it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

301. Washington Post Bad Analogies, Two

These are from "a contest in the Washington Post called The Style Invitational where they were supposed to come up with intentionally bad analogies.

1) Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3) He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a
solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4) She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5) She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7) He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8) The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12) Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17) He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18) Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19) Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20) The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21) The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22) He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23) The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24) It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25) He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

300. Grandkids

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked
me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then
he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard
the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she
heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a
tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked
wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this
in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know
how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No,
how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he
asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided
to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She
would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I
continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I
think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were
ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it
was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take
the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the
movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The
scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the
submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Grandpa, it
was the 20,000 leaks!!"

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy
whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with
flashlights."

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not
sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four
to six."

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more thana little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she
said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just
change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'"

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a
teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant."The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what
pregnant means?" she asked. Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It
means carrying a child."

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home
one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's
duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said
another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to
a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Monday, September 04, 2006

299. LA Driver Application

Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you
may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles
has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the
Los Angeles Metropolitan Area. See sample below:

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION AND TEST:

Name: _____________________
Stage name: _________________
Agent's Name: ________________
Attorney's Name: _______________
Therapist Name: ______________
Actual Age: _____
Admitted Age: ______

1) Sex:
[ ] Male
[ ] Female
[ ] Formerly Male
[ ] Formerly Female
[ ] Both
[ ] Neither
If female, indicate breast implant size: ________
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
operate a motor vehicle in any way?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No
2) Occupation:
[ ] Lawyer
[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Film-maker/Self-employed
[ ] Writer
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Pan-handler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Hooker/Transvestite
[ ] Other; please explain: ________________________
3) Please list brand of cell phone: ____________________
(If you do not own a cell phone, please explain).
4) Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skin-head
Men: Please list shade of hair plugs: _________
5) Please indicate if you have Automobile Insurance:
[ ] Yes [ ] No
If yes, please explain: __________________________
6) Please check activities you perform while driving (Check all that
apply):

[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Eating a wrap
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping the kids in the back seat
[ ] Tanning
[X ] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Daily Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Reading other book or newspaper
[ ] Discharging firearms/Reloading
7) Please indicate how many times:
a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____
b) How many times you expect to be shot at while driving: _______
8) If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
a) [ ] Call the police to report the crime,
b) [ ] Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your TV,
c) [ ] Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company
for 911 not going through,
d) [ ] Call your therapist,
e) [ ] None of the above (South Central residents only)
9) Please indicate if you drive:
a) [ ] BMW
b) [ ] Lexus
c) [ ] Mercedes
d) [ ] Cabriolet
(If your answer is d, please add 6 to 8 weeks to normal delivery time
for your driver's license.)
10) In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) [ ] Stop your car
b) [ ] Keep driving and hope for the best
c) [ ] Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) [ ] Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4
11) In the instance of rain, you should:
a) [ ] Never drive over 5mph
b) [ ] Drive twice as fast as usual
c) [ ] You're not sure what "rain" is

12) Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______

13) Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
(Check all that apply)
a) [ ] Prozac
b) [ ] Zovirax
c) [ ] Lithium
d) [ ] Zanax
e) [ ] Valium
f) [ ] Zoloft
g) [ ] Celexa
h) [ ] All of the above
i) [ ] None of the above
*If none, please explain. __________________
If none, please explain: ____________________________
14) Length of daily commute:
a) [ ] 1 hour
b) [ ] 2 hours
c) [ ] 3 hours
d) [ ] 4 hours or more
If under 1 hour, please explain: _____________________
15) When stopped by police, you should:
a) [ ] Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance card ready
b) [ ] Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
c) [ ] Have video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
ensuring yourself a hefty lawsuit
d) [ ] Help officer by returning fire at drive-by shooters
16) When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:
a) using your directional signals.____
b) what is a "directional signal"?____
17) Which part of your car will wear out most often?
a) the horn____
b) the horn____
c) the horn ____
18) The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
a) dark, poorly lit roads____
b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way____
c) revenge!___
19) Your rear view mirror is for:
a) watching for approaching cars____
b) watching for approaching police cars____
c) checking your lipstick------

Saturday, September 02, 2006

298. Madonna's Hungarian Interview

From Urban Legends: http://www.snopes.com/humor/misxlate/madonna.htm

Origins: This is one piece of humor that does have a bit of truth to it. In 1996, while Madonna was in Budapest filming the movie Evita, she gave an interview to a reporter from the daily Blikk, a Hungarian newspaper. As the correspondent did not speak Live to tell English, and Madonna knew no Hungarian, the questions were translated from Hungarian to English, and Madonna's replies were translated from English to Hungarian. Later, the American newspaper USA Today ran a story about the interview which included humorous excerpts produced by translating some of the questions and answers into English yet again.

The USA Today article was not the source of the popular version of this piece, however. A few weeks after USA Today ran their bit, "Doonesbury" cartoonist Garry Trudeau was inspired to create a parody Madonna interview, and his effort was published in Time magazine. What has been reproduced all over the net is not the "real" (mis)translation of Madonna's Hungarian interview, but Trudeau's spoof of it (although some of Trudeau's humor is very close in substance to the USA Today version). Here is Trudeau's piece, in all its glory:

BLIKK: Madonna, Budapest says hello with arms that are spread-eagled. Did you have a visit here that was agreeable? Are you in good odor? You are the biggest fan of our young people who hear your musical productions and like to move their bodies in response.

MADONNA: Thank you for saying these compliments (holds up hands). Please stop with taking sensationalist photographs until I have removed my garments for all to see. (laughs). This is a joke I have made.

BLIKK: Madonna, let's cut to toward the hunt. Are you a bold hussy-woman that feasts on men who are tops?

MADONNA: Yes, yes, this is certainly something that brings to the surface my longings. In America it is not considered to be mentally ill when a woman advances on her prey in a discotheque setting with hardy cocktails present. And there is a more normal attitude toward leather play-toys that also makes my day.

BLIKK: Is this how you met Carlos, your love servant who is reputed? Did you know he was heaven-sent right off the stick? Or were you dating many other people in your bed at the same time?

MADONNA: No, he was the only one I was dating in my bed then, so it is a scientific fact that the baby was made in my womb using him. But as regards those questions, enough! I am a woman and not a test-mouse! Carlos is an everyday person who is in the orbit of a star who is being muscle-trained by him, not a sex machine.

BLIKK: May we talk about your other "baby," your movie, then? Please do not be denying that the similarities between you and the real Evita are grounded in basis. Power, money, tasty-food, Grammys -- all these elements are afoot.

MADONNA: What is up in the air with you? Evita never was winning a Grammy!

BLIKK: Perhaps not. But as to your film, in trying to bring your reputation along a rocky road, can you make people forget the bad explosions of Who's That Girl? and Shanghai Surprise?

MADONNA: I am a tip-top starlet. That is the job that I am paid to do.

BLIKK: O.K. here's a question from left space. What was your book Slut about?

MADONNA: It was called Sex, my book.

BLIKK: Not in Hungary. Here it was called Slut. How did it come to publish? Were you lovemaking with a man-about-town printer? Do you prefer making suggestive literature to fast selling CD's?

MADONNA: These are different facets to my career highway. I am preferring only to become respected all over the map as a 100% artist.

BLIKK: There is much interest in you from this geographical region, so I must ask this final questions. How many Hungarian men have you dated in bed? Are they No. 1? How are they comparing to Argentine men, who are famous for being tip-top as well?

MADONNA: Well, to avoid aggravating global tension, I won't say. It's a tie (laughs). No, no, I am serious now. See here I am working like a canine all the way around the clock! I am too busy even to try the goulash the makes your country for the record books.

BLIKK: Thank you for your candid chitchat.

MADONNA: No problem, friend who is a girl.

Friday, September 01, 2006

297. One Liners

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Death is hereditary.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Women's One Liners
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
A hard-on does not count as personal growth.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
See no evil, hear no evil, and date no evil.
I am doing my best to imagine you with a personality.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
It's not the size that counts, it's the, umm, actually it is the size.
[OnWardBoundHumor. blogspot.com]