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Monday, September 04, 2006

299. LA Driver Application

Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you
may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles
has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the
Los Angeles Metropolitan Area. See sample below:

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION AND TEST:

Name: _____________________
Stage name: _________________
Agent's Name: ________________
Attorney's Name: _______________
Therapist Name: ______________
Actual Age: _____
Admitted Age: ______

1) Sex:
[ ] Male
[ ] Female
[ ] Formerly Male
[ ] Formerly Female
[ ] Both
[ ] Neither
If female, indicate breast implant size: ________
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
operate a motor vehicle in any way?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No
2) Occupation:
[ ] Lawyer
[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Film-maker/Self-employed
[ ] Writer
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Pan-handler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Hooker/Transvestite
[ ] Other; please explain: ________________________
3) Please list brand of cell phone: ____________________
(If you do not own a cell phone, please explain).
4) Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skin-head
Men: Please list shade of hair plugs: _________
5) Please indicate if you have Automobile Insurance:
[ ] Yes [ ] No
If yes, please explain: __________________________
6) Please check activities you perform while driving (Check all that
apply):

[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Eating a wrap
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping the kids in the back seat
[ ] Tanning
[X ] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Daily Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Reading other book or newspaper
[ ] Discharging firearms/Reloading
7) Please indicate how many times:
a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____
b) How many times you expect to be shot at while driving: _______
8) If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
a) [ ] Call the police to report the crime,
b) [ ] Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your TV,
c) [ ] Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company
for 911 not going through,
d) [ ] Call your therapist,
e) [ ] None of the above (South Central residents only)
9) Please indicate if you drive:
a) [ ] BMW
b) [ ] Lexus
c) [ ] Mercedes
d) [ ] Cabriolet
(If your answer is d, please add 6 to 8 weeks to normal delivery time
for your driver's license.)
10) In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) [ ] Stop your car
b) [ ] Keep driving and hope for the best
c) [ ] Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) [ ] Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4
11) In the instance of rain, you should:
a) [ ] Never drive over 5mph
b) [ ] Drive twice as fast as usual
c) [ ] You're not sure what "rain" is

12) Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______

13) Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
(Check all that apply)
a) [ ] Prozac
b) [ ] Zovirax
c) [ ] Lithium
d) [ ] Zanax
e) [ ] Valium
f) [ ] Zoloft
g) [ ] Celexa
h) [ ] All of the above
i) [ ] None of the above
*If none, please explain. __________________
If none, please explain: ____________________________
14) Length of daily commute:
a) [ ] 1 hour
b) [ ] 2 hours
c) [ ] 3 hours
d) [ ] 4 hours or more
If under 1 hour, please explain: _____________________
15) When stopped by police, you should:
a) [ ] Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance card ready
b) [ ] Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
c) [ ] Have video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
ensuring yourself a hefty lawsuit
d) [ ] Help officer by returning fire at drive-by shooters
16) When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:
a) using your directional signals.____
b) what is a "directional signal"?____
17) Which part of your car will wear out most often?
a) the horn____
b) the horn____
c) the horn ____
18) The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
a) dark, poorly lit roads____
b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way____
c) revenge!___
19) Your rear view mirror is for:
a) watching for approaching cars____
b) watching for approaching police cars____
c) checking your lipstick------

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