299. LA Driver Application

Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you
may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles
has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the
Los Angeles Metropolitan Area. See sample below:

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION AND TEST:

Name: _____________________
Stage name: _________________
Agent's Name: ________________
Attorney's Name: _______________
Therapist Name: ______________
Actual Age: _____
Admitted Age: ______

1) Sex:
[ ] Male
[ ] Female
[ ] Formerly Male
[ ] Formerly Female
[ ] Both
[ ] Neither
If female, indicate breast implant size: ________
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
operate a motor vehicle in any way?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No
2) Occupation:
[ ] Lawyer
[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Film-maker/Self-employed
[ ] Writer
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Pan-handler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Hooker/Transvestite
[ ] Other; please explain: ________________________
3) Please list brand of cell phone: ____________________
(If you do not own a cell phone, please explain).
4) Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skin-head
Men: Please list shade of hair plugs: _________
5) Please indicate if you have Automobile Insurance:
[ ] Yes [ ] No
If yes, please explain: __________________________
6) Please check activities you perform while driving (Check all that
apply):

[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Eating a wrap
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping the kids in the back seat
[ ] Tanning
[X ] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Daily Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Reading other book or newspaper
[ ] Discharging firearms/Reloading
7) Please indicate how many times:
a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____
b) How many times you expect to be shot at while driving: _______
8) If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
a) [ ] Call the police to report the crime,
b) [ ] Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your TV,
c) [ ] Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company
for 911 not going through,
d) [ ] Call your therapist,
e) [ ] None of the above (South Central residents only)
9) Please indicate if you drive:
a) [ ] BMW
b) [ ] Lexus
c) [ ] Mercedes
d) [ ] Cabriolet
(If your answer is d, please add 6 to 8 weeks to normal delivery time
for your driver's license.)
10) In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) [ ] Stop your car
b) [ ] Keep driving and hope for the best
c) [ ] Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) [ ] Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4
11) In the instance of rain, you should:
a) [ ] Never drive over 5mph
b) [ ] Drive twice as fast as usual
c) [ ] You're not sure what "rain" is

12) Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______

13) Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
(Check all that apply)
a) [ ] Prozac
b) [ ] Zovirax
c) [ ] Lithium
d) [ ] Zanax
e) [ ] Valium
f) [ ] Zoloft
g) [ ] Celexa
h) [ ] All of the above
i) [ ] None of the above
*If none, please explain. __________________
If none, please explain: ____________________________
14) Length of daily commute:
a) [ ] 1 hour
b) [ ] 2 hours
c) [ ] 3 hours
d) [ ] 4 hours or more
If under 1 hour, please explain: _____________________
15) When stopped by police, you should:
a) [ ] Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance card ready
b) [ ] Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
c) [ ] Have video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
ensuring yourself a hefty lawsuit
d) [ ] Help officer by returning fire at drive-by shooters
16) When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:
a) using your directional signals.____
b) what is a "directional signal"?____
17) Which part of your car will wear out most often?
a) the horn____
b) the horn____
c) the horn ____
18) The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
a) dark, poorly lit roads____
b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way____
c) revenge!___
19) Your rear view mirror is for:
a) watching for approaching cars____
b) watching for approaching police cars____
c) checking your lipstick------