Onward Bound Humor

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Thursday, August 24, 2006

292. Signs You Go To A Redneck Church

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if, when the pastor says, "I'd
like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering, "five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if, opening day of deer season
is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of"

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the choir is known as the
"OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if people think "rapture" is what you get when
you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the baptismal pool is a #2
galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the choir robes were donated by
(and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the collection plates are
really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if instead of a bell you are
called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the minister and his wife
drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the communion wine is
Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if "Thou shall not covet"
applies to huntin' dogs, too.

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