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Tuesday, August 08, 2006

282. Cow Politics - 2

GUIDE TO COWS AND POLITICS

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes most of the milk.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows, you give one to your neighbor who gives it to his neighbor who gives it to.....

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

EUROPEAN BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

COMMUNISM: The government has two cows. The government gives you milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them,and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

NAZISM: The government shoots you, takes the cows and feeds one to the army and the other to the police.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull Or you slaughter the cows & compete with McDonalds.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.

ANARCHISM: Keep the cows. Steal a few more cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CONSERVATISM: Milk the cows, enbalm the cows, freeze the milk, nuke the cows to keep from spreading the disease. Phase out over five years the amount of milk you're required to give to the government.

LIBERALISM: Give the milk back to the cows. Let them escape. Put the cows on the Voter Registration list.

LIBERTARIANISM: Milk the cows and keep it for yourself; hope the populace can find milk elsewhere.


Libertarianism: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

MILITIAISM: Start shooting if they come for your cows.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk!

Queensland Democracy. You have two cows. You still get drought relief payments for your flooded cattle farm, but you can't afford enough petrol to take the cows to market. You vote for 'One Nation' and the Liberals are reduced to three MP's in the Queensland Parliament. Bob Katter challenges for the leadership of the National Party but loses because the sheep vote for John Anderson who's promised them a seat on the Wheat Board. The cows take hostages and hold the police at bay with your .22 semi-automatic rifle. Mike Monroe rings up and interviews the cows live on Channel Nine, interrupting the police hostage negotiations. Democrat Senator Andrew Bartlett describes you as a heartless monster, saying "No livestock should be confined in such appalling conditions." but no-one hears him as the Federal Government has abolished the ABC on the grounds that "it wasn't performing" Great isn't it? (alternatively - see 'Libertarianism')

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

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