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Monday, August 07, 2006

281. Cow Politics - 1

Economic lesson

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

UPDATED AMERICAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You learn how to make them thrive and sell the information to a foreign country. You hire lots of accountants to keep track of the imported cow products unemployed farmers.

ENRON CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.

FRENCH CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

JAPANESE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

GERMAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

BRITISH CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. Both are mad.

ITALIAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CAPITALISM:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for
storing them and hide them when they come looking for them.

HINDU CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You worship them.

ISRAELI CAPITALISM:
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory,
an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their
calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

ARKANSAS CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

ENGLISH CAPITALISM:
You have thousands of cows. You kill and bury them all then sing God Save the Queen.

CHINESE CAPITALISM:
You have a million cows. You line them up to wait for the one milking machine.
You tell the world you will never run out of milk.

POLISH CAPITALISM:
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised
when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and
are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you

SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none.
So?

COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

FLORIDA POLITICS
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

IRAQIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go in hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

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