Onward Bound Humor

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Friday, August 04, 2006

279. Decoding Women

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish ................... 49
Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone
Athletic ................. No tits
Beautiful ................ Pathological liar
Buxom .................... Fat
Emotionally secure ....... On medication
Feminist ................. Fat
Free spirit............... Junkie
Friendship first.......... Former slut
New-Age................... Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned............. No BJs
Open-minded............... Desperate
Outgoing.................. Loud and Embarrassing
Professional.............. Bitch
Voluptuous................ Very Fat
Large frame............... Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate........... Stalker

A WOMAN’S ENGLISH:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I am sorry = you'll be sorry
We need to talk = you’re in trouble
Sure, go ahead = you better not
Do what you want = you will pay for this later
I am not upset = Of course I am pissed, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

A MAN’S ENGLISH:
I am hungry = I am hungry I am sleepy = I am sleepy
I am tired = I am tired Nice dress = Nice boobs!
I love you = let’s have sex now I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

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