Onward Bound Humor

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Tuesday, August 22, 2006

290. Musician Humor, Partita Three

From http://web.mit.edu/jcb/www/jokes/

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.

What do you call a musician without a significant other?
Homeless.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play the trombone but chooses not to.

Why do drummers have half an ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.

What does a timpanist say when he gets a gig?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"

What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"

How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

What do violinists use for birth control?
Their personalities.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They are actually the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.

What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.

Why are orchestral intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the cellists.

How can you tell if a bass player is really bad?
Even the section notices.

How does a soprano change a light bulb?
She just holds it in the socket and the whole world revolves around her.

Why are conductors' hearts coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

What happens if you play country western music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

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