297. One Liners
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Death is hereditary.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Women's One Liners
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
A hard-on does not count as personal growth.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
See no evil, hear no evil, and date no evil.
I am doing my best to imagine you with a personality.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
It's not the size that counts, it's the, umm, actually it is the size.