From ZUG, the world's only comedy site.
OKAY, OKAY, I'LL BUY THE VIAGRA!
Sweet Lord. How many e-mails do the Viagra people have to send me? "73% off VIAGRA!" they scream at me. "We've slashed prices because of the competition!!", which is exactly the kind of thing you want to hear coming from your pharmacist. "dan Theresa amanda Butthead nothing abgrossm steph quebec Doobie!" the e-mails triumphantly conclude, bypassing my spam filter. "sparky jesus1 groin infection!"
I get a hundred of these e-mails a day. Clearly, the online Viagra people know something about my penis that I don't.
So my reasoning went like this: maybe if I bought some of their sweet precious Viagra, they would shut the hell up. As a bonus, I would actually own some Viagra, which I could use to surprise my wife on Valentine's Day. "Oh, darling!" my wife would exclaim. "Twelve hours of painful, nonstop intercourse? You shouldn't have!"
So I did it. I took the bait. I spent a day surfing the Viagra sites, and I was shocked by what I found. I had expected unethical, quasi-legal Web sites dispensing dangerously inaccurate medical advice. Instead, I found unethical, quasi-legal Web sites dispensing dangerously inaccurate medical advice from people dressed up to look like doctors.
Here's Dr. Alec Broers from the renowned medical journal s95forcheapmeds.nepzzz.com, who claims "This product is 100% SAFE medically tested in labs, and by myself personally." Which means that Dr. Broers is impotent. Ha ha! "I happen to know this drug will work," went the second (and more revealing) part of Dr. Broers' endorsement, "because I myself have a limp, sagging penis." You'll notice they don't mention what kind of doctor he is. That's because he is a doctor of love.
Site after site I visited. Sites with trustworthy, dependable names like PillStore, PlanetPills, and KwikMed. A little-known fact is that every Viagra site offers the lowest prices on Viagra. And all lowest prices are "guaranteed."
In the end, I went with AmeriMedRx.com, which offered me the cheapest deal on Viagra (guaranteed), and two-day shipping to boot. I entered my credit card information, but then hit a roadblock. It seems you need to provide actual medical information in order to receive your Viagra. So I filled out the form as honestly as I could:
Patient First Name: John
Patient Last Name: Hargrave
Patient Height: 5'7"
Patient Weight 165 lbs
Patient Gender: Male
Birthdate: 04 April, 1969
Please list all medications you are currently taking:
Ibuprofen, Tyenol, Astirin, Caffeine, Nicotine
Marijuana, Alcohol, Nitrous Oxide (not since high school)
The Apprentice (addicted to it!), Liza
Please list all allergies:
Animals: Cats, dogs, horses, llamas, ferrets, Star Jones
Trees: birch, beech, maple, oak, elm, the mighty scotch pine,
Music: Linkin Park, Metallica
Please list any medical conditions for which you are currently being treated:
Asthma, hang nails.
Please explain the specific reason for ordering this medication:
I want to make sweet, sweet love all night long.
Any additional information you'd like to share?
I once masturbated into a grapefruit.
I could only hope that Dr. Alec Broers would be the one to review my application. He's the love doctor. He would understand.
Part 2: Prank phone call to Viagra vendor
So I ordered some Viagra via the AmeriMed web site, a "discreet, safe and confidential" online pharmacy where you can "SUPER SAVE" on everything from painkillers to herpes medication.
I couldn't believe that I actually had to prove that I needed Viagra before they'd send it to me, though. I mean, my regular drug dealer doesn't ask me for a physical before he sells me marijuana. Usually a doctor's note will suffice.
I didn't think anyone was really reading the applications, though, so I filled it out with wacky, albeit truthful, answers. A few days later, I received my "discreet, safe, and confidential" response:
"Dear John: We are unable to prescribe the medication you requested."
Hey, this really was just like dealing with a real doctor! I received the same careful, thoughtful explanation that I usually receive from my own physician.
Still, I wanted a little more information on why my Viagra prescription was being turned down, so I called AmeriMed customer service and gave them my tracking number.
AMERIMED: Thank you for calling AmeriMed, I'm Evelyn, how can I help you?
JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi, I recently put in an order for a prescription, and I was denied. The response you guys sent me was actually rather rude.
AM: All right ... what were you ordering?
AM: OK, let's see. [Pause] It looks like it was denied because the doctor couldn't find the medical necessity, and probably because of all the excess medications you're taking.
JH: Such as?
AM: Ah ... you do smoke marijuana?
JH: Only in the shower.
AM: Prednisone, Azmacort, Alupent ... do you have asthma?
JH: Only since I started smoking marijuana.
AM: Well, [Viagra] is one medication he would prefer ... he would prefer you see a doctor. It's for your benefit, it's not an insult, it's simply that he feels that for your health, you should see a local doctor.
JH: But your web site says that AmeriMed was founded to help me avoid "an embarrassing conversation with my personal physician."
AM: Uh huh, but that's if it's approved ... this physician is not going to approve it.
JH: Is there another physician we could ask?
AM: No, we are very strict in our regulations, and we have to ask that you go see a local doctor.
JH: Look, Evelyn. I need a longer erection in my penis. Can you help me with this?
AM: I wish that I could help you, but I can't. I suggest you see a local doctor.
JH: Don't you understand that I have a condition? I am not well!
AM: Sir, I ...
JH: I can sometimes only make love for one hour. Do you know how embarrassing that is? I mean, you're a woman. You know what I'm talking about here, don't you?
AM: I do understand, however again, I can't help you. You're going to have to see your local doctor.
JH: I don't believe this. Evelyn, listen to me: I can only sustain an erection for one hour, two hours tops.
AM: I realize that, and I don't mean to be insensitive. Again, I'm ... this isn't meant as an insult to you personally. We just can't help you, unless you can get a prescription from your local doctor.
JH: Would you deny medication to a dying child?
AM: I don't...
JH: Well, my penis is like a dying child.
AM: [Growing increasingly agitated] Sir, I cannot continue this conversation.
JH: How about you guys send me the Viagra, bill me an extra $50, and we'll call it even.
AM: I cannot do that, you're asking me to not only compromise my licensing, but...
JH: Oh, you guys are licensed?
AM: [Clearly offended] Yes.
JH: Oh! Oh ... oh. Oh. Well, that's a different story.
AM: You're asking me to compromise my licensing, and we simply cannot do this.
JH: Look, Evelyn. Would you be willing to personally fill the prescription for me, and maybe I can pay you for your services?
AM: Mr. Hargrave, I cannot continue this conversation. I have other calls to attend to.
JH: Could we meet up in an alley somewhere?
AM: All right, I'm going to take this call rather offensively. I'm letting you know that this is an offensive conversation, and I am going to hang up.
JH: Evelyn, Evelyn. Before you go. Listen.
JH: Think you can score me some Oxycontin?
So apparently, these places are a little touchy about that kind of thing. But the question remained: what would I have to do to score some V-Bone?
Part 3: The Viagra arrives
The secret to ordering drugs online, I discovered, is that you have to lie.
Can you believe that? You have to lie in order to get the Viagra. See, when their online form asks why you're ordering the drug, instead of writing:
"I want to make sweet, sweet love all night long"
You're supposed to say: "Male sexual function problems (erection problems)
My Viagra arrived a few days later, filled by a Spanish pharmacy in Miami. "No detailed information is available about this drug," said the packing slip pictured at right -- which was disturbing, since the official Viagra site has a 1,700-word fact sheet on the dangers of the drug, including the terrifying spectre of "permanent damage to the penis." As I found out later, the permanent damage to the penis can occur because of excessive sex, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
"Consult your pharmacist if you have questions," the packing slip continued. Now, do they mean my regular pharmacist, or the shady Cuban pharmacist who sold me an FDA-regulated drug over the Internet? Somebody clear this up for me.
With shipping, it ran me $100 for the three tablets pictured here, but that was a small price to pay for what I was about to do with it. You see, I was most intrigued by this claim on the Viagra web site:
You will not get an erection just by taking this medicine. VIAGRA helps a man with erectile dysfunction get an erection only when he is sexually excited.
There was only one way to test this outlandish claim: I would take Viagra at the one place I knew I wouldn't get sexually excited, and then I'd see what happened.
I would take Viagra in church.
Part 4: Taking Viagra in church
There we were, a normal American family going to church: Mom, Dad, and our two-year-old. Except unbeknownst to those around us, Dad was hopped up on Viagra.
There was only one way of testing the crazy claim that "VIAGRA helps a man with erectile dysfunction get an erection only when he is sexually excited." I had to take Viagra in the least sexy place I could think of: church.
To be fair, I didn't take the Viagra in church. I took the Viagra before church, since the official web site advises, "Take VIAGRA about one hour before you plan to have sex." This is great for those of us who plan our sex on a schedule. I have Microsoft Outlook configured to pop up a reminder when I've got a sex appointment in 15 minutes. Sometimes my wife has to plan two, three months ahead to get on my sex calendar.
So the three of us made our way into the sanctuary, and sat in the back row. I had no idea what was going to happen, and since the Viagra literature also warns of "permanent damage to the penis," among other side effects, I wanted to have an escape route planned. If I felt permanent penis damage coming on, at least I'd be able to pull someone aside for some quick prayer, and maybe the laying on of hands.
I had to use the digital camera on my PalmPilot, lest I draw attention to myself.
After the organ prelude (heh), the service started. I sat quietly, listening to the choir, closely watching my lap for any popup ads. Let's just say that I was "Spocking it," i.e., exercising mind control to keep it down, a technique I perfected during ninth grade gym class. Still, when it came time for the children's sermon, I had a partially inflated balloon animal on my hands. Smirking, my wife asked me if I wanted to take the toddler down to the front of the sanctuary with the other kids. "Honey, that kind of thing is frowned upon here," I whispered. "This is a Protestant church."
Following the children's sermon, my wife and son went to play in the kids' room, and I was left alone with my increasingly turgid thoughts. I flipped through my pew Bible to follow along with the Old Testament reading, and what page should I open to but the exceedingly horny SONG OF SONGS:
Not wanting to read, but unable to look away, I scanned down to the next steamy passage:
In my pants stirred our 28th President, Woodrow Wilson.
I tried to listen to the sermon, but I could not focus. My head felt very hot, as if blood were rushing to my face. So did my marriage tackle, which was slowly engorging over the thought of those hot, wet Bible verses. And it didn't help that the young woman a few rows in front of me was wearing tight blue jeans.
Curse these modern churches and their liberal dress codes!
Fortunately, I had brought along my overcoat, which I strategically placed across my lap as I tried to finish out the rest of the service. Man, I never realized how much standing you do in church. Sit, stand. Sit, stand. It's like a friggin' aerobics routine. Fortunately, the church bulletin had a footnote: "Those who are able, please stand."
Needless to say, I didn't.
In summary, I think the Viagra people should update their claim that "VIAGRA helps a man with erectile dysfunction get an erection only when he is sexually excited." They should add, "...but anything will get him sexually excited, including the Holy Word of God."
So there you have it. If it's true that "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven," then I must be the best Christian in the world. After church, I met up with my wife, who looked at my puffy, reddened face and said, "You're swollen."
"You don't know the half of it," I said.
Later, however, she would not only know the half of it, but four and a half of it.
Part 5: What Viagra feels like
So my little experiment of taking Viagra in church resulted in a rush of blood to the old man, as I predicted. After the service, however, my wife and I had the entire afternoon free. And it's a good thing.
Let me clear up one thing: Viagra does not help you last longer. If you can only fish for three or four minutes before spilling the chowder, Viagra will not help you there. As I was writing this piece, for instance, I had a little joke about Viagra helping me to last for 12 to 15 hours, as opposed to "the 12 to 15 minutes I usually am able to provide my wife." Jade read this and said: "Make it 12 to 15 seconds." So that should give you an idea of where I'm, ah, coming from.
But it's the recovery, my friends, that really works. There is no down time. Rebooting (or should I say, "rebootying) is instantaneous. You're the Insatiable Loggerman. It's like the Energizer Bunny, if, instead of banging that drum, he was banging the crap out of his gay lover. That's what the drum represents, you know. That rabbit is as gay as a French horn.
Anyway, partway into the seventeenth or eighteenth time, I suddenly realized that my wife hadn't taken a drug. She was this way naturally. Do you see what I'm, ah, driving at here? Suddenly I was made aware of how little I had been doing all these years to satisfy my wife! Viagra SUCKS!
"You know, honey," I said several hours later, after we had finished hosing down the walls and laundering the bedsheets, "we've still got two pills left."
She looked crestfallen. "Only two?!" she cried.
In conclusion, I must urge the men out there: stay away from Viagra. It is a Pandora's box of truth. Despite how much you may want to get into Pandora's box, Viagra will force you to gaze at the hideous reality: men are lousy lovers.