Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Location: The City, On the edge

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

296. Political Correctness For The Sexes

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE"
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLOND" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORIALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL
DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

295. Selected Puns

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious
thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and
trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist
friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath.
This made him ...... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....A super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different
puns to her friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would
make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

Then there was the very young pony that was separated from
his mother very early in life proving that a foal and his
mummy are soon parted.

What do you get when you cross a supermarket cashier with
10 gallons of ice cream?
You get a Chubby Checker.

What do call an extremely deep hypnotic trance, required to induce a
Hawaiian dancer to clean up after her dog?
A super-duper, hula-hooper pooper-scooper stupor..

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
[OnwardBoundHumor.blogspot.com]

Monday, August 28, 2006

294. Retiree Quiz

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: When don't retirees mind being called Seniors Citizens?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Shoes with laces.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work
and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will
want to store stuff there.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school/college
as a retiree?
Answer: If you skip classes, no one calls your parents..

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses
the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
[OnWardBoundHumor.blogspot.com[

Saturday, August 26, 2006

293. The Word, A Spiritual Sourcebook by Noah benShea

From "The Word, A Spiritual Sourcebook" by Noah benShea

If you want to give God a good laugh, tell Him your plans.
-Yiddish folk saying

An old man sat outside the walls of a great city.
When travelers approached they would ask the old man: "What kind of people live in this city?"
And the old man would answer: " What kind of people lived in the place where you came from?"
If the travelers answered: " Only bad people lived in the place where we came from."
Then the old man would reply: "Continue on, you will only find ad people here."
But is the travelers answered: "Only good people lived in the place where we have come from."
Then the old man would say: "Enter, for here too, you will only find good people."
-Yiddish folk saying

Kindness is remembered, meanness is felt.
-Yiddish folk saying

The punishment doled out to those who say bad things is also delivered to those who have the chance to say something good and do not.
-Zohar

I never went to the fair without taking into consideration the feelings of my neighbors.
If I was successful and peddled everything I took, and came home with my pockets stuffed with money, and my heart singing, I would tell my neighbors that I had lost all my money and was a failed man.
The outcome of this was that I was happy and my neighbors were happy.
-Shalom Aleichem

I grew up to have my father's looks––my father's speech patterns––my father's posture––my father's walk––my father's opinions––and my mother's contempt for my father.
-Jules Feiffer

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
-Sam Levinson
[from OnwardBoundHumor.blogspot.com]

Thursday, August 24, 2006

292. Signs You Go To A Redneck Church

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if, when the pastor says, "I'd
like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering, "five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if, opening day of deer season
is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of"

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the choir is known as the
"OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if people think "rapture" is what you get when
you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the baptismal pool is a #2
galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the choir robes were donated by
(and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the collection plates are
really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if instead of a bell you are
called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the minister and his wife
drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the communion wine is
Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if "Thou shall not covet"
applies to huntin' dogs, too.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

291. State Slogans

Alabama: ........... Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: ............ 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: ........... But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: .......... Literacy Ain't Everything
California: ........ By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: .......... If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: ....... Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: .......... We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: ........... Ask Us About Our Grandkids, Gods Little Waiting Room
Georgia: ........... We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: ........... Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum,
But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: ............. More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes
Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: .......... Please Don't Pronounce the S
Indiana: ........... Two Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: .............. We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: ............ First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: .......... Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: ......... We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: ............. We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: .......... If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: .......... First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: ......... 10,000 Lakes. And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: ....... Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: .......... Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: ........... Land Of The Big Sky, the Unabomber,
Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: .......... Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: ............ Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: ..... Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: ........ You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: ........ Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: .......... You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney
North Carolina: .... Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: ...... We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: .............. At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma:........... Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: ............ Spotted Owl. It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: ...... Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: ...... We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: .... Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota:....... Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: ......... The Educashun State
Texas: ............. Si, Hablo Ingles
Utah: .............. Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: ........... Yep
Virginia: .......... Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: ........ Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: .. Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: ..... One Big Happy Family. Really!
Wisconsin: ......... Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: ........... Open Skies And Closed Minds

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

290. Musician Humor, Partita Three

From http://web.mit.edu/jcb/www/jokes/

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.

What do you call a musician without a significant other?
Homeless.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play the trombone but chooses not to.

Why do drummers have half an ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.

What does a timpanist say when he gets a gig?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"

What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"

How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

What do violinists use for birth control?
Their personalities.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They are actually the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.

What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.

Why are orchestral intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the cellists.

How can you tell if a bass player is really bad?
Even the section notices.

How does a soprano change a light bulb?
She just holds it in the socket and the whole world revolves around her.

Why are conductors' hearts coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

What happens if you play country western music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

289. Musician Humor, Partita Two

What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha?
The lipstick.

What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
The jewelry.

What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average
All-Pro offensive lineman?
Stage makeup.

How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.

What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
Puts on her clothes and goes home.

What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.

What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt?
A tenor.

How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched

Saturday, August 19, 2006

288. The Hillbilly Vasectomy

After their eleventh child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband want to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A cheaper way", said the Doctor "is to go home, get a cherry bomb." (fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to ten."
The Alabamian said, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed doc, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put in a beer can, held it up to his ear and began to count;
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, Arkansas, Tennessee, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

From OnwardBoundHumor.blogspot.com

Monday, August 14, 2006

287. Test Questions & Answers

The following questions and answers were collated from SAT tests
given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students!

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe
to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: What's a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

286. Lexamania - 3

Leximania: A compulsive Desire To Invent New Words

Aginda: a pre-conference drink
Ilitterate: said of people who care about litter
Illitterate: said of people who do not care about litter
Polygrouch: someone who complains about everything
Kellogulation: what happens to your breakfast cereal when you are called
away by a 15-minute phone call just after you poured milk into it
Hicgap: the time that elapses between when hiccups go away and when
you suddenly realize that they are gone
Bagonize: to wait anxiously for your suitcase to appear on the baggage carousel

Friday, August 11, 2006

285. Health, Questions & Answers

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the
best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other
- body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming Whoo what a
ride".
With our heartfelt BEST wishes for a healthy, serene and fun-filled 2006!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

284. Cow Politics - 4

Subject: Cows & Politics & Economics

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to
support A man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was
a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one,
milks the other, pays you For the milk, and then pours the milk
down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd
one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You
are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to
the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on
unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at
cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling
around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's
private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up
while they were in the hospital.

IRAQIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black
one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some
people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of
guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. Most are illegals
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

283. Cow Politics - 3

THE COW GOVERNMENTAL THEORY

DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows. This forces you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none.
So?

COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself. You do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating that you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION:
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

POLISH CORPORATION:
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION:
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION:
You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick the richest.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

282. Cow Politics - 2

GUIDE TO COWS AND POLITICS

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes most of the milk.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows, you give one to your neighbor who gives it to his neighbor who gives it to.....

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

EUROPEAN BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

COMMUNISM: The government has two cows. The government gives you milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them,and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

NAZISM: The government shoots you, takes the cows and feeds one to the army and the other to the police.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull Or you slaughter the cows & compete with McDonalds.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.

ANARCHISM: Keep the cows. Steal a few more cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CONSERVATISM: Milk the cows, enbalm the cows, freeze the milk, nuke the cows to keep from spreading the disease. Phase out over five years the amount of milk you're required to give to the government.

LIBERALISM: Give the milk back to the cows. Let them escape. Put the cows on the Voter Registration list.

LIBERTARIANISM: Milk the cows and keep it for yourself; hope the populace can find milk elsewhere.


Libertarianism: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

MILITIAISM: Start shooting if they come for your cows.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk!

Queensland Democracy. You have two cows. You still get drought relief payments for your flooded cattle farm, but you can't afford enough petrol to take the cows to market. You vote for 'One Nation' and the Liberals are reduced to three MP's in the Queensland Parliament. Bob Katter challenges for the leadership of the National Party but loses because the sheep vote for John Anderson who's promised them a seat on the Wheat Board. The cows take hostages and hold the police at bay with your .22 semi-automatic rifle. Mike Monroe rings up and interviews the cows live on Channel Nine, interrupting the police hostage negotiations. Democrat Senator Andrew Bartlett describes you as a heartless monster, saying "No livestock should be confined in such appalling conditions." but no-one hears him as the Federal Government has abolished the ABC on the grounds that "it wasn't performing" Great isn't it? (alternatively - see 'Libertarianism')

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Monday, August 07, 2006

281. Cow Politics - 1

Economic lesson

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

UPDATED AMERICAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You learn how to make them thrive and sell the information to a foreign country. You hire lots of accountants to keep track of the imported cow products unemployed farmers.

ENRON CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.

FRENCH CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

JAPANESE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

GERMAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

BRITISH CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. Both are mad.

ITALIAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CAPITALISM:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for
storing them and hide them when they come looking for them.

HINDU CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You worship them.

ISRAELI CAPITALISM:
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory,
an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their
calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

ARKANSAS CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

ENGLISH CAPITALISM:
You have thousands of cows. You kill and bury them all then sing God Save the Queen.

CHINESE CAPITALISM:
You have a million cows. You line them up to wait for the one milking machine.
You tell the world you will never run out of milk.

POLISH CAPITALISM:
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised
when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and
are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you

SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none.
So?

COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

FLORIDA POLITICS
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

IRAQIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go in hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

280. Drink Psychology

What Is Your Drink? Bartenders Psychology:
Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

What to tell when a woman orders:
BEER
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

BLENDER DRINKS
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

MIXED DRINKS
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste;
knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll
send YOU a drink..................

WINE (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

WHITE ZINFANDEL
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be easy.

SHOTS
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the join t. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

TEQUILA
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

THEN, there is the MALE side ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants toget laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress. [Unable to display image]

Friday, August 04, 2006

279. Decoding Women

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish ................... 49
Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone
Athletic ................. No tits
Beautiful ................ Pathological liar
Buxom .................... Fat
Emotionally secure ....... On medication
Feminist ................. Fat
Free spirit............... Junkie
Friendship first.......... Former slut
New-Age................... Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned............. No BJs
Open-minded............... Desperate
Outgoing.................. Loud and Embarrassing
Professional.............. Bitch
Voluptuous................ Very Fat
Large frame............... Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate........... Stalker

A WOMAN’S ENGLISH:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I am sorry = you'll be sorry
We need to talk = you’re in trouble
Sure, go ahead = you better not
Do what you want = you will pay for this later
I am not upset = Of course I am pissed, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

A MAN’S ENGLISH:
I am hungry = I am hungry I am sleepy = I am sleepy
I am tired = I am tired Nice dress = Nice boobs!
I love you = let’s have sex now I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

Thursday, August 03, 2006

278. How To Stay Young

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay " them " .
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen.. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who
is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether it's family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

277. Washington Post, Merge-Matic Books

These are from a Washington Post Invitational contest, Merge-Matic Books. Readers were asked to combine the works of two authors, and to provide a suitable blurb.

Second Runner-Up:
"Machiavelli's The Little Prince"
Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed.

First Runner-Up:
"Green Eggs and Hamlet"
Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a nunnery.

And the Winner of the Dancing Critter:
"Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities"
An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice.

Honorable Mentions:
"Where's Walden?"
Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods.

"Catch-22 in the Rye"
Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane.

"2001: A Space Iliad"
The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug.

"Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi"
Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from Polynesia.

"The Maltese Faulkner"
Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil?

"Jane Eyre Jordan"
Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship.

"Looking for Mr. Godot"
A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her life. She has a loooong wait.

"The Scarlet Pimpernel Letter"
An 18th-century English nobleman leads a double life, freeing comely young adulteresses from the prisons of post-Revolution France.

"Lorna Dune"
An English farmer, Paul Atreides, falls for the daughter of a notorious rival clan, the Harkonnens, and pursues a career as a giant worm jockey in order to impress her.

"The Remains of the Day of the Jackal"
A formal English butler puts his loyalty to his employer above all else, until he is persuaded to join a plot to assassinate Charles de Gaulle.

"The Invisible Man of La Mancha"
Don Quixote discovers a mysterious elixir which renders him invisible. He proceeds to go on a mad rampage of corruption and terror, attacking innocent people in the streets all the while singing "To fight the Invisible Man!" until he is finally stopped by a windmill.

"Singing in the Black Rain"
A gang of vicious Japanese drug lords beat the hell out of Gene Kelly.

"Of Three Blind Mice and Men"
Burgess Meredith has his limbs hacked off by a psychopathic farmer's wife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life?

"Planet of the Grapes of Wrath"
Astronaut lands on mysterious planet, only to discover that it is his very own home planet of Earth, which has been taken over by the Joads, a race of dirt-poor corn farmers who miraculously developed rudimentary technology and evolved the ability to speak after exposure to nuclear radiation.

"Paradise Lost in Space"
Satan, Moloch, and Belial are sentenced to spend eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil scientist, and 2 annoying children.

"The Exorstentialist"
Camus' psychological thriller about a priest who casts out a demon by convincing it that there's really no purpose to what it's doing.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

276. Washington Post Male and Female Nouns

Male and Female Nouns
From the Washington Post Style Invitational in which it was postulated that English has male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice, and explain their reason.
The best submissions:

Detective Novel -- f., because you're not supposed to peek at its end the minute you pick it up.

Swiss Army Knife -- m., because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

Kidneys -- f., because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

Penlight -- m., because it can be turned on very easily, but isn't very bright.

Hammer -- m., because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years but it's handy to have around and is good for killing spiders.

Tire -- m., because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

Hot air balloon -- m., because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. And, of course, there's the hot air part.

Web page -- f., because it is always getting hit on.
Web page -- m., because you have to wait for it to reload.

Shoe -- m., because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

Copier -- f., because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an
effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

Magic 8 Ball -- m., because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually indicate it did not pay attention to your question.

Ziploc bags -- m., because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

Sponges -- f., because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

Critic -- f. What, this needs to be explained?

Subway -- m., because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.

Hourglass -- f., because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Cars -- f., most of the time they're ok, but if you mistreat them or don't service them often enough, they soon break down and/or turn into a wreck.