Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Sunday, May 25, 2008

383. B B Q Procedures

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat .

Important again:

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the t able and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Friday, May 02, 2008

382. Washington Post Invitational, Week 751

Washington Post Invitational Week 751
In which we asked you to help supply new "unscripted TV fare" to the writer-struck networks by slightly changing the title of a current or past TV show.

We could program every cable channel for years with the entries submitted for this contest. Some of the most commonly offered titles: "American Idle," "You Bet Your Wife," "Manics," "C*A*S*H," "Bob's New Heart."

"No Dime for Sergeants": A report on the Army's uncompetitive pay scale.
(Dave Ferry, Key West, Fla.)

"America's Moat Wanted": Lou Dobbs and the anti-immigration crowd insist that a 2,000-mile fence is not enough.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

"Missionary: Impossible": A documentary exploring the sex lives of the extremely obese.
(Dean Evangelista, Rockville)

"Thee's Company": The history of the Quaker Oats empire.
(Wilson Varga, Alexandria)

"Talcum in the Middle": A Lifetime Channel special on treating diaper rash.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

"My Car, the Mother!": Ralph Nader rants about his Detroit lemon.
(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

Mister Roget's Neighborhood": PBS show lists synonyms for Word of the Week.
(G. Smith, New York)

"The A-Teat": Yet another reality show about runway models.
(Ralph Scott, Washington; Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)

"CBS Evening Muse With Dan Rather": Each night the reinstated news anchor simply describes news stories he wishes were true. (Russell Beland)

"Everybody Loves Ramen": Four 18-year-old guys learn to flush the toilet, not put laundry detergent in the dryer, and other life lessons in their first year away from home.
(Jay Shuck, Minneapolis; Judith Cottrill, New York)

"One Lay at a Time": No, no, it's just a contest to see if you really can go without a second potato chip in one sitting. (Sanford D. Horn, Alexandria)

"Man Icks": Women try to outdo each other with tales about how gross their husbands are. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

"America's Next Top Mohel": Contestants vie to produce the most creative circumcisions; every week someone gets cut. (Jerrie Olson, Frederick, a First Offender; Brendan Beary)

"Gilligan's Isthmus": In this reality show, seven shipwrecked people live as castaways because they are too stupid just to walk back to civilization. (Russell Beland)

"America Underclover": Each week forensics experts dig up corpses and examine their states of decomposition. (Michelle Stupak)

"Antique Broad Show": "The View." (Brendan Beary)

"Secret Pageant Man": Expose about the transsexual who was once crowned Miss America.
(Rick Haynes, Potomac)

"Unsmoke": A lone marshal attempts to enforce the cigarette ban in Dodge City's restaurants.
(Russell Beland)

"Father Knows Breast": Extreme body makeovers.
(Ted Weitzman, Olney)

"The Dorks of Hazard": Actuaries and consultants sit around conducting risk analysis.
(Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

"The Straights of San Francisco": Documentary about the little-known other side of that great city.
(Jim Ward, Manassas)

"Last Vegas": Car restorers halfheartedly work on the final specimens of this loser Chevy model.
(Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

"The Untouché-ables": A year with an undefeated fencing team.
(Russell Beland)

"Dadwood": The life of Soon-Yi Previn. Tonight's pilot: "Married . . . to Children."
(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

"Beget Smart": Tips on having more intelligent babies.
(Randall Kunkel, Spotsylvania, Va.)

And Last: "Gypardy": Departing from recent trends, this game show asks really difficult questions for ridiculously low-value prizes like T-shirts and magnets. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

381. Where We Come From

Where We Came From

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear'?
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made'.
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved'.
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'