Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Tuesday, February 20, 2007

337. Washington Post Invitational, Week 693

Washington Post Invitational, Week 693
In which we asked for fanciful sequels to actual movies. Offered by many was something like "Passion of the Christ II: The Second Coming: He's back . . . and he's mad!"

National Velvet II: After winning the Grand National steeplechase, the Pie is sent to compete in France, where he unfortunately breaks a leg and ends up befitting his name.

"Bonnie and Clyde II": The troopers just keep shooting into the car for another 127 minutes. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

"Snakes on a Blimp": Hey, what's that hissing noise . . . hey, what's that BIG hissing noise? (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.)

"Kramer vs. Kramer: The Next Generation": Ted and Joanna reconcile and have another son. But little Cosmo goes terribly wrong. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

"Gandhi II": No more Mister Nice Guy! (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand)

"Upper West Side Story": The remaining Jets grow up and become bond traders, taking ballet classes in their off-hours. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

"Brokeback Molehill": Even in the rural West, some traditional attitudes are softening, so Ennis's new love interest is just no big deal. (Russell Beland)

"The Other 603 Commandments": Moses sits up there on Mount Sinai taking notes about such topics as pigeon sacrifice and whether bats are kosher. Except for the slightly racy Commandments 82 through 105, which cover forbidden sexual relations, the tale is a bit short of epic. (Andrew Schneider, Fairfax)

"The Great Escape 2": Capt. Hilts, in another daring escape attempt, makes it out of the camp but wrecks his motorcycle trying to avoid a governess and her seven children. (Tom Galgano, Bowie)

"A Brief History of Time 2: Downforce": When Stephen Hawking is dropped off a 20-story building as the result of a David Letterman prank gone horribly wrong, his valuable brain is transplanted into the nearest available body, which happens to be that of the guest immediately before Hawking, Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Andrew Malone, Washington)

"War of the Worlds II": Back on Mars, the invaders smack their three-fingered hands against what passes for their foreheads, brew up a batch of penicillin and prepare to try again. (Andrew Schneider)

"Rocky 13": Rocky Balboa, now 92, winds up in the same nursing home as his nemesis Clubber Lang, 87. The rivalry is reignited after their wheelchairs bump on the way to bingo. They throw some Jell-O at each other, then take a nap. (Michael Levy, Silver Spring)

"Seventy Brides for Seven Brothers": The brothers relocate to the Utah mountains. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

"It's a Wonderful Life for You, Maybe": An angel shows an elderly George Bailey how much happier everyone he knows would be without the burden of taking care of him. (Beth Baniszewski)

"You've Got Spam": Kathleen breaks up with Joe and fears she'll never love again, until she starts a new e-mail relationship with a Nigerian banker. (Brendan Beary)

"Pay Per Moon": Addie gives up the grift and settles down to an honest life as a stripper. (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase)

"Rear Window 2": Jeff is hired to apply his knowledge of photography, lenses and lighting to develop the first colonoscopy camera. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

"Old Yeller II: Night of the Living Dog": Rabies and a bullet to the head can't keep down a vengeful undead hound. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf; Andrew Hoenig, Rockville)

"Ferris Bueller's Flex Day": Our hero, all grown up, spends a day away from the office waiting for the cable guy to arrive, paying bills, mowing his lawn and finally sneaking in that trip to the bank he's been needing to make. (Russell Beland)

"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind II": Two lovers are so happy with each other that they erase everything except their memories together. Unfortunately, they thus lose the ability to drive, work and feed themselves, and they perish in a few romantic weeks. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

"King Kong: The Next Generation": After her mother pretty much explodes in childbirth, Fay Darrow Kong tries to adjust to life in New York as a 20 foot human-ape hybrid. Kids learn to stop teasing pretty quickly, but she is isolated and lonely until World War II, where she single-handedly captures Okinawa in 27 minutes. (Jeff Brechlin)

"Raging Steer": Jake LaMotta finds that years of low blows have left him impotent. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

"Raging Cow": This time it's Rosie O'Donnell who beats up on all comers. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

"The Passion of the Christ 2, 3 and 4": The Jews go on to cause more trouble in the world in 476, as Rome falls to the Jewish barbarians; 1431, as Joan of Arc is burned at the stake by Jewish mobs; and 1941, when Jews of the Imperial Navy send their Zeros to attack Pearl Harbor. (Arthur Litoff, York Springs, Pa.)

"The Red Balloon II": A balloon-propelled boy suffers a hard landing on a Parisian street, leaving him pigeon-toed, helium-voiced and missing two teeth. The locals declare him a genius. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

"Rent II: Mortgage": The bohos move to Loudoun County, struggle to make ends meet on their dual GS-15 salaries, and sing ballads that decry the trials and tribulations of home improvement contractors, homeowner associations, HOV lanes and mall parking. (Ed Gordon, Hollywood, Fla.)

"Groundhog Day II": Only the title is different. (Ben Aronin, Washington)

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

336. Perks of Being Over Fifty

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you????
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list

Friday, February 09, 2007

335. The ATM Machine


A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts."

"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver ; waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

334. Wife 1.0

Subj: Fw: Wife 1.0
Date: Friday, January 26, 2007 9:16:36 AM

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and
now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night
10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Golfing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to
Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Troubled User.....
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that
it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also
impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE!
because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high
maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep
3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 . However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With
Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will
cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support