Onward Bound Humor

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Tuesday, February 20, 2007

337. Washington Post Invitational, Week 693

Washington Post Invitational, Week 693
In which we asked for fanciful sequels to actual movies. Offered by many was something like "Passion of the Christ II: The Second Coming: He's back . . . and he's mad!"

National Velvet II: After winning the Grand National steeplechase, the Pie is sent to compete in France, where he unfortunately breaks a leg and ends up befitting his name.

"Bonnie and Clyde II": The troopers just keep shooting into the car for another 127 minutes. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

"Snakes on a Blimp": Hey, what's that hissing noise . . . hey, what's that BIG hissing noise? (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.)

"Kramer vs. Kramer: The Next Generation": Ted and Joanna reconcile and have another son. But little Cosmo goes terribly wrong. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

"Gandhi II": No more Mister Nice Guy! (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand)

"Upper West Side Story": The remaining Jets grow up and become bond traders, taking ballet classes in their off-hours. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

"Brokeback Molehill": Even in the rural West, some traditional attitudes are softening, so Ennis's new love interest is just no big deal. (Russell Beland)

"The Other 603 Commandments": Moses sits up there on Mount Sinai taking notes about such topics as pigeon sacrifice and whether bats are kosher. Except for the slightly racy Commandments 82 through 105, which cover forbidden sexual relations, the tale is a bit short of epic. (Andrew Schneider, Fairfax)

"The Great Escape 2": Capt. Hilts, in another daring escape attempt, makes it out of the camp but wrecks his motorcycle trying to avoid a governess and her seven children. (Tom Galgano, Bowie)

"A Brief History of Time 2: Downforce": When Stephen Hawking is dropped off a 20-story building as the result of a David Letterman prank gone horribly wrong, his valuable brain is transplanted into the nearest available body, which happens to be that of the guest immediately before Hawking, Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Andrew Malone, Washington)

"War of the Worlds II": Back on Mars, the invaders smack their three-fingered hands against what passes for their foreheads, brew up a batch of penicillin and prepare to try again. (Andrew Schneider)

"Rocky 13": Rocky Balboa, now 92, winds up in the same nursing home as his nemesis Clubber Lang, 87. The rivalry is reignited after their wheelchairs bump on the way to bingo. They throw some Jell-O at each other, then take a nap. (Michael Levy, Silver Spring)

"Seventy Brides for Seven Brothers": The brothers relocate to the Utah mountains. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

"It's a Wonderful Life for You, Maybe": An angel shows an elderly George Bailey how much happier everyone he knows would be without the burden of taking care of him. (Beth Baniszewski)

"You've Got Spam": Kathleen breaks up with Joe and fears she'll never love again, until she starts a new e-mail relationship with a Nigerian banker. (Brendan Beary)

"Pay Per Moon": Addie gives up the grift and settles down to an honest life as a stripper. (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase)

"Rear Window 2": Jeff is hired to apply his knowledge of photography, lenses and lighting to develop the first colonoscopy camera. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

"Old Yeller II: Night of the Living Dog": Rabies and a bullet to the head can't keep down a vengeful undead hound. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf; Andrew Hoenig, Rockville)

"Ferris Bueller's Flex Day": Our hero, all grown up, spends a day away from the office waiting for the cable guy to arrive, paying bills, mowing his lawn and finally sneaking in that trip to the bank he's been needing to make. (Russell Beland)

"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind II": Two lovers are so happy with each other that they erase everything except their memories together. Unfortunately, they thus lose the ability to drive, work and feed themselves, and they perish in a few romantic weeks. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

"King Kong: The Next Generation": After her mother pretty much explodes in childbirth, Fay Darrow Kong tries to adjust to life in New York as a 20 foot human-ape hybrid. Kids learn to stop teasing pretty quickly, but she is isolated and lonely until World War II, where she single-handedly captures Okinawa in 27 minutes. (Jeff Brechlin)

"Raging Steer": Jake LaMotta finds that years of low blows have left him impotent. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

"Raging Cow": This time it's Rosie O'Donnell who beats up on all comers. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

"The Passion of the Christ 2, 3 and 4": The Jews go on to cause more trouble in the world in 476, as Rome falls to the Jewish barbarians; 1431, as Joan of Arc is burned at the stake by Jewish mobs; and 1941, when Jews of the Imperial Navy send their Zeros to attack Pearl Harbor. (Arthur Litoff, York Springs, Pa.)

"The Red Balloon II": A balloon-propelled boy suffers a hard landing on a Parisian street, leaving him pigeon-toed, helium-voiced and missing two teeth. The locals declare him a genius. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

"Rent II: Mortgage": The bohos move to Loudoun County, struggle to make ends meet on their dual GS-15 salaries, and sing ballads that decry the trials and tribulations of home improvement contractors, homeowner associations, HOV lanes and mall parking. (Ed Gordon, Hollywood, Fla.)

"Groundhog Day II": Only the title is different. (Ben Aronin, Washington)


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