Onward Bound Humor

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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

333. From the Washington Post Invitational, Week 690

From the Washington Post Invitational, Week 690
In which we asked you to transport a comic strip character to another time or place. Many people had Sarge and Beetle not asking and not telling as they ran off to Provincetown together.

The gang from "B.C." is moved to A.D., finally allowing the cartoonist to explore Christian religious themes. (Mike Fransella, Arlington)

Lucy is busted by state medical authorities for practicing psychiatry without a license after a patient tried to submit an insurance claim for 5 cents. (Jon Milstein, Falls Church)

Jeremy Duncan and his mom, who never wondered why Jeremy's best friend, Hector, looks exactly like Dr. Duncan, discover that Hector is Jeremy's half brother. Apparently the good doctor, who is also Hector's mom's dentist, filled the wrong cavity. (Rob Kloak, Springfield)

"Hagar the Horrible": Hagar has been time-traveling for years, planting old Norse relics in the Canadian Maritimes to be "discovered" by archaeologists. So anyone who tells you the Vikings reached America before Columbus has fallen for a wacky cartoon prank! (This message brought to you by the Sons of Italy organization) (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Spider-Man turns 85 and has to wear Wrist-Depends. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

"For Better or for Worse": Now working in the porn industry, April traces her loss of self-esteem to the day she decided to drown Farley. (Dave Kelsey, Fairfax)

Tragedy struck Sacramento tonight as newly elected Governor of California Artur was attacked and killed by a man police have identified as a childhood acquaintance, world-renowned chess grandmaster "Big" Nate. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station)

1940: Mary Worth, a high school sophomore, is lecturing a student about smoking in the girls' lavatory. One girl whispers to two others: "You two grab her legs, and I'll stick Miss Goody Two Shoes' head in the toilet." (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

An aged Snoopy chokes to death on a Red Baron frozen pizza; ironically, he has no life insurance. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

"Blondie" time-warped, finally, into the actual 21st century: Dagwood makes himself a plate of four-pound tapas. (Maja Keech, New Carrollton)

"He was here every day -- snow, rain, heat, gloom of night," recalled Dagwood Bumstead, 81, who lives on Beasley's last route. "In fact, I bumped into him just this morning. And he never spoke of any frustrations at work." (Bob Dalton, Arlington)

Cath-sandra, Underappreciated Athenian Prophetess:
The Oracle of Delphi: "It is the will of Zeus that the sons of Troy will be slaughtered, their bones gnawed upon by dogs -- oh, and this year's swimwear will be French-cut."

"Curtis": Undercover agents Derrick and Onion arrest Gunther for running a bookmaking operation from his barbershop. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

"Dennis the Menace," 2036: Under hypnosis, an aging Courtney Love reveals: "That dumb ol' Dennis would never have tea with me. Too prissy, huh? Yeah, what the @#$ does he think now?" (Mary Ann Henningsen)

Still extremely short and no less annoying, a middle-aged Dennis the Menace earns the stinging wrath of his home town when he buys the local football team and runs it straight into the ground. (Tom Galgano, Bowie)

Dilbert: How do I get rid of this leftover polonium?
Walski: I throw mine into the fish tank at that sushi restaurant. (Martin Bancroft)

"The Family Circus": With an irrational fear that dead relatives are always watching her, 29-year-old Dolly Keane remains a virgin. (Kevin Dopart)

Baghdad, circa 820:
Frank: I hear that Al-Khwarizmi the mathematician is using zeros!
Ernest: Yes, aught-ism runs in his family! (Peter Metrinko)

Garfield grows so fat that he takes up the whole panel, not allowing any other characters or even dialogue to appear. This is generally seen as an improvement. (Art Grinath)

"Peanuts": The Washington Nationals hire Charlie Brown, 65, as general manager, stating: "He's worked with teams composed of nothing more than a bunch of no-talent kids, a dog and a whining girl -- which makes him perfect for us." (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

Zippy moves to 1950s France to become a playwright but is lambasted by critics as "too accessible . . . a simplistic sellout to the masses." He tries to atone by writing a two-person "Oresteia" for Jerry Lewis and a rhinoceros, but by then his reputation is in tatters, and all is lost. In a final kiss-off protest, he bathes. (Brendan Beary)


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