Onward Bound Humor

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Location: The City, On the edge

Friday, November 10, 2006

324. News From the "Other" Border

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada
has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased
patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The unflinching arrogance of the Bush Administration is prompting the
exodus among liberal citizens who fear they'll soon be required to
hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians
crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the
other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,"
said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North
Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if
I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I
didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers
that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he
said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so
much they wouldn't give milk"

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet
liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station
wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for
themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged
conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found o ne carload
without a drop of drinking water. They did have a pleasant little
Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic
beer and watch NASCAR.

Liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the
border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to
buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen
young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration
authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed
senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion
player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age,"
an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the
Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said.
"How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada,
Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and
pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure
liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some
Peter, Paul &Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species
on pos tage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."


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