Onward Bound Humor

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Location: The City, On the edge

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

300. Grandkids

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked
me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then
he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard
the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she
heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a
tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked
wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this
in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know
how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No,
how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he
asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided
to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She
would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I
continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I
think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were
ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it
was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take
the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the
movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The
scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the
submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Grandpa, it
was the 20,000 leaks!!"

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy
whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with
flashlights."

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not
sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four
to six."

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more thana little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she
said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just
change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'"

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a
teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant."The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what
pregnant means?" she asked. Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It
means carrying a child."

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home
one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's
duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said
another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to
a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

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