100. Rules For Movie Directors
2. Most dogs are immortal.
3. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
4. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving
7. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
8. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
9. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
10. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.
11. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
12. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
13. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
14. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
15. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
16. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
17. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
19. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
20. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
22. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
23. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
24. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
25. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
26. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
27. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
28. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
29. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
30. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
31. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
32. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
33. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
34. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
35. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.