Onward Bound Humor

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Monday, January 19, 2009

395. From the Washington Post Invitational, Week 794

In which we asked for headlines a la those in the satirical newspaper the Onion:

Image of Tortilla Mysteriously Appears on Statue of Virgin Mary (M.C. Dornan)

'Liberal Elitist Press' Condemned by Ignorant Lowlife Redneck Hatemongers
(Chris Rollins)

In Final Trip to Beijing, Bush Calls on Premier to 'Tear Down This Wall'
(Malcolm Fleschner)

Shoelace Collection Instantly Loses All Value When Only Other Collector Dies (Eric Murphy)

Comedians Seek Bailout Until White Guy Elected President Again (Art Grinath)

Huge Breakthrough in Stem Cell Research That You Wouldn't Understand (Bob Sorensen)

McMansion Demolished to Make Room for Three McHovels (Mia Kim)

Striving for Change, Ford Introduces Hybrid Edsel (Bill Gee)

Defeat of Prop 8 Somehow Fails to Save Troubled Marriage (Greg Sanders)

Newspaper Industry Stakes Future on Monthly Obama Commemorative Editions (Eric Murphy)

'It's Not Like I Killed Somebody!' Simpson Complains of Sentence (John Folse)

Poultry Sales Again Show Unexplained November Spike (Mike Hammer, Arlington)

Terrorist Group Protests Being Described as 'Activists' (Marc Naimark)

Blogger Believes Government Covering Something Up (Mike Hammer)

Warner Bros. Greenlights 'Saw 6: A Special Musical Christmas' (Philip Strub)

Woman Hospitalized After Son's Careless Sidewalk-Crack Stepping (Mike Hammer)

Mother Wants Store-Bought Gift for Once, Hides Craft Supplies (Jean Bonner)

Copy Editors Layed Off; Newsroom Operations Not Effected (Jeffrey Contompasis)

Global Markets Soar on News That 'All the Money Has Been Found' (Pete Kaplan, Charlotte)

Local Prison Doctor Delivers Lethal Injections With a Dose of Humor (Malcolm Fleschner)

'You Can Achieve Anything You Set Your Mind To,' World's Second-Fastest Man Tells Kids (Dan Dunn)

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