Onward Bound Humor

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Monday, December 22, 2008

393. The old and the new

As the French saying goes, “Plus ça change, plus c’est la meme chose.” (Translation: “Is not our first lady hot?”) But is it really true that things never really change, they just stay the same? Herewith a guide to where things stand zeitgeist-wise as we usher in a new president, and with any luck, a new era. On reflection, perhaps the French have something there. They usually do.

Worst U.S. President
Old: Buchanan
New: Bush (II)
Publish Post

Reassuring African- American Leader
Old: Colin Powell
New: Obama

Menacing Ruskie
Old: Stalin
New: Putin

GOP Clotheshorse
Old: Nancy Reagan
New: Sarah Palin

Toxic substance
Old: Asbestos
New: Collateralized Debt Obligation

Three Stooges
Old: Moe, Larry, Curley
New: Detroit Auto CEOs

Eponymous/Onomatopoeic Financial Scoundrel
Old: Ponzi
New: Madoff

Wise Man
Old: Greenspan
New: Buffett

Oxygen-Depleting, Single-Named Blonde Divorcée
Old: Diana
New: Madonna

Cancer Phobia
Old: Cell phones
New: Bottled water

Illegal Substance
Old: Meth
New: Canadian Lipitor

Guilty Pleasure
Old: Downloading Napster
New: Leaving Lights On

High-minded Catchphrase
Old: Compassionate Conservatism
New: Audacity of Hope

Politically Incorrect Gas guzzler
Old: Hummer
New: Gulfstream

Weirdo Actor
Old: Christopher Walken
New: Joaquin Phoenix

Potty-Mouthed Illinois Pol
Old: Rahm Emmanuel
New: Gov. Blagojevich

Crown Kennedy
Old: Ted
New: Caroline

$6 Million Book Advance
Old: Colin Powell
New: Tina Fey

Hyper-Adoptive Actress
Old: Mia Farrow
New: Angelina Jolie

Tantalizing Opener
Old: Please to contact me most Very immediately re: $16 Mil Dollars (US) In Your Bank of Nigeria Acct!
New: In the event of an erection lasting more than four hours...

Village Atheist
Old: Madalyn Murray O'Hair
New: Christopher Hitchens

Frigid, Cash Strapped Landmass
Old: Russia
New: Iceland

F--- You VP
Old: Rockefellar
New: Cheney

Fun Clinton
Old: Bill
New: Hillary

Torture Device
Old: Water-board
New: 401(k) Statement

P.S. The financial situation is so bad at present that Jewish women are marrying for love.

Christopher Buckley’s books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. His journalism, satire, and criticism has appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Vanity Fair, Vogue, and Esquire. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush.


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