Onward Bound Humor

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Friday, March 02, 2007

338. Washington Post Invitational, Week 698

Washington Post Style Invitational, Week 698

In which we sought questions that might (but even we hope would not) be asked by either the interviewer or the applicant during a job interview.

Interviewer: Assuming we're not all mowed down by the disgruntled psycho you're being hired to replace, where do you see yourself in 20 years? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Interviewer: If you could rid the world of any ethnic minority, which one would you get rid of, and why? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Interviewer: Sell me this pocket lint! (Stephen Dudzik)

Interviewer: Prove the Mordell-Weil theorem states for any abelian variety A over a number field K. Nah, I'm kidding. Who's your favorite serial killer? (Ezra Deutsch-Feldman, Chicago)

Interviewer: So, with my last assistant, I'm, like, do it. And he's, like, uch. And I'm, like, what? And he's, like, no way. Now I'm, like, I need this done. And he's, like, I'm outta here. So: Are you like that, too? (Dina Feivelson, New York)

Interviewer: Here's a picture of my mother -- do you find her attractive? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Interviewer: So where do you see yourself five incarnations from now ? -- Outsource2India.com, Bangalore, India (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.)

Interviewer: Even though drug testing isn't part of our hiring process, could you pee in this cup anyway, just for me? (Brendan Beary)

Interviewer: Is there anything even remotely funny about Dilbert's skewering of middle management? (Stephen Dudzik)

Interviewer: We respect all faiths and creeds, of course. But to take a hypothetical situation -- let's say you were caught on the 20th floor as a fire raged. What would be the name of the deity you'd implore for help? (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)

Interviewer: Do you always wear such conservative dresses? (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.)

Interviewer: What do you have to say about God for shirking work on the seventh day? (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

Interviewer: We're looking for a strong supervisor. Do you spank your children? How about your wife? (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

Interviewer: The last guy could turn his hand 360 degrees around his arm. What talent would you bring to the company? (Creigh Richert, Aldie)

Applicant: Say, those girls in the photos on your desk, are they seeing anyone, well not the fat one, but those other two? (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Applicant: So will Wal-Mart give me time off from the cash register for my union organizing duties? (Axel Brinck, Montreal)

Applicant: Are conjugal visits allowed? (Gregory James, Mitchellville)

Applicant: On Casual Fridays, can I wear my footie pajamas? (David Moss, Arlington)

Applicant: Is your pension plan still operative in event of the Rapture? (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Applicant: You all don't drop everything, put candles on a cupcake and do that whole clapping-and-singing thing around somebody who's said it's his birthday, right? 'Cause I once set a guy on fire like that. I wish I could say it was accidental. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Applicant: If I don't take any bathroom breaks, can I leave work early each day? (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg)

Applicant: Is there a minimum period to qualify for severance pay? (Chuck Smith)

Applicant: Before I sit down, do you mind if I sanitize the chair? (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

Applicant: Would you like to see some pictures of my cats? (Jack Fiorini, Williamsburg)

Applicant: Would you mind terribly if I called you Dad? (Jay Shuck)

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