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Saturday, November 19, 2005

28. A Guys Commonsense Guide To Dieting

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we
all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not
animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only
leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your
liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's
the best feel good food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie, flour is a veggie! One more thing... When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt.

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