Onward Bound Humor

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Location: The City, On the edge

Saturday, November 12, 2005

17. Men Versus Women

NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call
each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth, and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head, and Scrappy.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20,
even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller,
and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get
their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2
item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,
a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items
in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to
identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that
is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never
worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for
weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears, and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people
living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.

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