Onward Bound Humor

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Friday, November 25, 2005

35. Employee Evaluations

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.
1. ''Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig.''
2. ''His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity.'
3. ''I would not allow this employee to breed.''
4. ''This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'.''
5. ''Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.''
6. ''When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.''
7. ''He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.''
8. ''This young lady has delusions of adequacy.''
9. ''He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.''
10. ''This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.''
11. ''This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better.''
12. ''Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.''
13. ''A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.''
14. ''He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.''
15. ''He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.''
16. ''He would argue with a signpost.''
17. ''He has a knack for making strangers immediately detest him.''
18. ''He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.''
19. ''If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ..... he's the other one.''
20. ''A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.''
21. ''A prime candidate for natural deselection.''
22. ''Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.''
23. ''If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.''
24. ''If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.''
25. ''If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.''
26. ''It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.''
27. ''Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.''

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