Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Location: The City, On the edge

Friday, March 31, 2006

165. How To Acheive Full Employment

A solution to 100% full employment

"Our studies suggest that hunter-gatherer societies offer full
employment for all, simply providing the basic necessities of food and shelter,"
Steve Wieting, senior economist at Citigroup Inc.

Just think, everyone happily employed, fathers out hunting, mothers back in the cave taking care of the children (and very few housekeeping chores). At night everyone sitting around the fire talking about the days events. The father always home before dark. Commuting is interesting because you always go in a different direction every day. No more artificial running exercises, when you run its for your life. No more computer hassles, how many things can go wrong with a spear? No more problems seeing a doctor, he lives with you.
No religious discrimination, everyone worships the same idol.
Someone should start a new movement, "Back To The Simple Life." So what if you life expectancy will be 26, since you cant count it wont bother you.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

164. Literary Taunts

** A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults. -- Louis Nizer
** I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.-- Stephen Bishop
** He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.-- Winston Churchill
** A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Winston Churchill
**I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. -- Clarence Darrow
** He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. -- William Faulkner about Ernest Hemingway
** Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words. -- Ernest Hemingway about William Faulkner.
** Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it. -- Moses Hadas
** His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open. Howard Hughes about Clark Gable
** He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. -- Samuel Johnson
** He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. -- Paul Keating
** He had delusions of adequacy. -- Walter Kerr
** There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. -- Jack E. Leonard
** He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. -- Abraham Lincoln
** I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx
** He has the attention span of a lightning bolt. -- Robert Redford
** They never open theirs mouths without subtracting from the sum of
human knowledge. -- Thomas Brackett Reed
** He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebearers, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them. -- James Reston about Richard Nixon
** In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. -- Count Talleyrand
** Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without an address on? -- Mark Twain
** A solemn, unsmiling sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. -- Mark Twain
** I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved. -- Mark Twain
** His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. -- Mae West
** She is a peacock in everything but beauty. -- Oscar Wilde
** Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. -- Oscar Wilde
** He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. -- Oscar Wilde
** He has Van Gogh's ear for music. -- Billy Wilder
** He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts...for support rather than illumination. -- Andrew Lang

Monday, March 27, 2006

163. Sex

**"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good
partner, you'd better have a good hand.
**Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on
Saturday night.
**There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women, chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.
**Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
**Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation.
The other eight are unimportant.
**Women might be able to fake orgasms.
But men can fake a whole relationship.
**Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
**According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful.
**See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time.
**Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
money can buy.
**You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff
you pay good money for in later life.
**Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
**It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

162. Social Worker Humor

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten" he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: "You know the person that did this really needs help."

A social worker asks a collegue: "What time is it?"
The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."
The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."

A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your life!" says the mugger. "I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
"The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
None. Social workers never change anything.
None. They empower it to change itself!
None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

161. Republicanism


The discovery that affiliation with the Republican Party is genetically
determined was announced by scientists in the current issue of the
journal NURTURE, causing uproar among traditionalists who believe it is
a chosen lifestyle.

Reports of the gene coding for political conservatism, discovered after
a decades-long study of quintuplets in Orange County, CA, has sent shock
waves through the medical, political, and golfing communities.

Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that Republicans'
unnatural disregard for the poor and frequently constitutional
tendencies resulted from dysfunctional family dynamics -- a remarkably
high percentage of Republicans do have authoritarian domineering fathers
and emotionally distant mothers who didn't teach them how to be kind and
gentle. Biologists have long suspected that conservatism is inherited.

"After all," said one author of the NURTURE article, "It's quite common
for a Republican to have a brother or sister who is a Republican." The
finding has been greeted with relief by Parents and Friends of
Republicans (PFREP), who sometimes blame themselves for the political
views of otherwise lovable children, family, and unindicted

One mother, a longtime Democrat, wept and clapped her hands in ecstasy
on hearing of the findings. "I just knew it was genetic," she said,
seated with her two sons, both avowed Republicans. "My boys would never
freely choose that lifestyle!" When asked what the Republican lifestyle
was, she said, "You can just tell watching their conventions in Houston
and San Diego on TV: the flaming xenophobia, flamboyant demagogy,
disdain for anyone not rich, you know."

Both sons had suspected their Republicanism from an early age but did
not confirm it until they were in college, when they became convinced it
wasn't just a phase they were going through.

The NURTURE article offered no response to the suggestion that the high
incidence of Republicanism among siblings could result from their
sharing not only genes but also psychological and emotional attitude as
products of the same parents and family dynamics.

A remaining mystery is why many Democrats admit to having voted
Republican at least once -- or often dream or fantasize about doing so.
Polls show that three out of five adult Democrats have had a Republican
experience, although most outgrow teenage experimentation with

Some Republicans hail the findings as a step toward eliminating
conservophobia. They argue that since Republicans didn't "choose" their
lifestyle any more than someone "chooses" to have a ski-jump nose, they
shouldn't be denied civil rights which other minorities enjoy.

If conservatism is not the result of stinginess or orneriness (typical
stereotypes attributed to Republicans) but is something Republicans
can't help, there's no reason why society shouldn't tolerate Republicans
in the military or even high elected office -- provided they don't
flaunt their political beliefs. For many Americans, the discovery opens
a window on a different future. In a few years, gene therapy might
eradicate Republicanism altogether.

But should they be allowed to marry?

Saturday, March 25, 2006

160. Doctor Humor

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

If it is dry - add moist; if it is moist - add dryness. Congratulations, now you are a dermatologist.

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends on whether it has health insurance.
None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later.
None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.

How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!

Friday, March 24, 2006

159. Nurse Humor

You've been a nurse for a long time if....

**You avoid unhealthy-looking people in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
**It doesn't bother you to eat a candy bar in one hand while performing digital stimulation on you patent with the other.
**You've had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring, and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."
**You've ever bet on someone's blood level.
**You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage.
**You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.
**You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.
**You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.
Three nurses go to heaven. Saint Peter asks them are they worthy.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"

What's the difference between a surgeon and a puppy?
If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour, it'll probably stop whining.

Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.

What's the difference between a nurse and a nun?
A nun only serves one God.

The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.
You Might Be a Nurse if...
** when using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
** your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
** men assume you must be great in bed because of the 9 billion porn movies about nurses.
** everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
* you want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
** you can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
** you can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spagetti with lots of tomato sauce.
you use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shotglass.

How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just have a nursing assistant do it.

How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

158. Graduate Students

You just might be a graduate student if...

...you spend more on books than on tuition.
...you actually hope your professor assigns homework.
...you get a 3-hour final with 5 questions or less.
...more than 25% of your textbook is "left as an exercise for the reader."
...you are on a first-name basis with everyone on the library staff.
...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
...you consider all papers to be works in progress.
...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
...you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade".
...you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al."
...you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

157. Psychiatrist Humour

Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.

A psychotic thinks that two and two are five.
A neurotic knows two and two are four -- but he hates it.

What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together? In the morning each of them says: "120 dollars, please."

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a bridge.
Doctor: What's come over you?
Patient: Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.
Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
Just one, but it takes nine visits.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
"How long have you been having this phantasy?"
"Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?"
One, but he must consult the DSM-IV.

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
"How many do you think it takes?"

When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen."
He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it's Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors."
"When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's graduate students."

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

156. Graduate Student's Lies

The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students
(taken from the Harvard Crimson)

10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Fellows:

5. I'm not going to grant any extensions.
4. Call me any time. I'm always available.
3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.

Monday, March 20, 2006

155. Performance Evaluation Definitions

Accepts new job assignments willingly...... Never finishes a job.
Active socially............................ Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments.............. An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic... Finds someone else to do the job.
Average.................................... Not too bright.
Character above reproach................... Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic............................. No interest in any opinion but his own.
Consults with co-workers often............ Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often............ Pain in the ass.
Delegates responsibility effectively...... Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership...... Has a loud voice.
Displays excellent intuitive judgment..... Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility...... Dodges and evades superiors well.
Enjoys job................................ Needs more to do.
Excels in the effective application of skills..... Makes a good cup of coffee.
Exceptionally well qualified........... Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses self well.................... Can string two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike.... A coward.
Happy.................................. Paid too much.
Hard worker............................ Usually does it the hard way.
Identifies major management problems...... Complains a lot.
Internationally known..... Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Is well informed...... Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
Inspires the cooperation of others....... Gets everyone else to do the work.
Is unusually loyal................. Wanted by no-one else.
Keen sense of humor................ Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Listens well....................... Has no ideas of his own.
Maintains a high degree of participation..... Comes to work on time.
Meticulous in attention to detail............ A nitpicker.
Not a desk person............................ Did not go to college.
Of great value to the organization........... Turns in work on time.
Use all available resources.......... Takes office supplies home for personal use.
Straightforward...................... Blunt and insensitive.
Strong adherence to principles....... Stubborn.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress...... Buys drinks for superiors.
Unlimited potential.................. Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses resources well.................. Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively................ Clock watcher.
Visionary....... Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
Will go far.......................... Relative of management.
Willing to take calculated risks..... Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

154. Software Develolpment Cycle

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free...

Saturday, March 18, 2006

153. Not Recommended Children's Books

Children's Books Not Recommended by the National Library Association

1. Clifford the Big Red Dog Is Put to Sleep
2. Babar Becomes a Piano
3. The Boy Who died from eating All His Vegetables
4. Lets Draw Betty and Veronica Without Their Clothes
5. Some Kittens Can Fly
6. Where Would You Like To Be Buried?
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
9. Things Rich Kids Have But You Never Will
10. Pop Goes the Hamster and Other Great Microwave Games

Thursday, March 16, 2006

152. Survivor Teacher Show

This is for: Those who think that teaching is easy ... and for
those of us who know better will understand ...

Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?

**Three businessmen and three businesswomen will be dropped in an
elementary school classroom for 6 weeks.
**Each business person will be provided with a copy of his/her
school district's curriculum and a class of 28 students.
**Each class will have five learning-disabled children, three with
A.D.D., one gifted child and two who speak limited English. Three
will be labeled with severe behavior problems.
**Each business person must complete lesson plans at least 3 days in
advance with annotations for curriculum objectives and modify, organize
or create materials accordingly.
**They will be required to teach students, handle misconduct,
implement technology, document attendance, write referrals, correct
homework, make bulletin boards, compute grades, complete report cards,
document benchmarks, communicate with parents, and arrange parent
**They must also supervise recess and monitor the hallways. In
addition, they will complete drills for fire, tornadoes, and shooting
**They must attend workshops (100 hours), faculty meetings, union meetings,
and curriculum development meetings.
**They must also tutor those students who are behind and strive to
get their 2 non-English speaking children proficient enough to take the
Terra Nova and EPA tests.
**If they are sick or having a bad day, they must not let it show.
Each day they must incorporate reading, writing, math, science and
social studies into the program.
**They must maintain discipline and provide an educationally
stimulating environment at all times.
**The business people will only have access to the golf course on
weekends but on their new salary they will not be able to afford it anyway.
**There will be no access to vendors who want to take them out to
lunch, and lunch will be limited to 30 minutes. On days when they do not
have recess duty, the business people will be permitted to use the staff
restroom as long as another survival candidate is supervising their class.
**They will be provided with two 40 minute planning periods per week
while their students are at specialists. If the copier is operable, they may
make copies of necessary materials at this time.
**The business people must continually advance their education on
their own time and pay for this advanced training themselves. This can
be accomplished by moonlighting at a second job or marrying someone
with money.

The winner will be allowed to return to his or her job.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

151. Pearly Gates

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal
car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly
Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While
waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in
Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I
don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find
out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a
couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were
allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with
the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered,
"Are we stuck together forever?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally
returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple,
"you can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we
were just wondering, what if things don't! work out? Could we also get
a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his
clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened
couple. "Oh, come on!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to
find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to
find a lawyer

Sunday, March 12, 2006

150. The Way It Is

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

149. Warning

It is time to take a serious look at our involvement there. Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on the TV are photos of death and destruction. Why are we still there?
The land is too large to secure all of it. The bad people causing this damage can roam anywhere, and we can't possibly police the whole place. Why are we still there?
We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still there?
Their government is unstable, and in the process of changing. Why are we still there?
Refugees are fleeing by the thousands, driven from their homes. Why are we still there?
It will cost billions to rebuild, which we can't afford. Why are we still there?
There are more than 1000 religious sects. We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there?
And to repeat. Every day we hear of more Americans killed in this dangerous land.
It is clear!
We must abandon California!

Friday, March 10, 2006

148. Kids & Logic

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said
it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother,
she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers
and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill..."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher,
she's dead. "
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in
the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun
made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the

Thursday, March 09, 2006

147. West Virginia Stories

Some West Virginia? Stories (For those who don't know where West Virginia is located it is East of Ohio and South of Pennsylvania)

The owner of a coal mine in West Virginia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from West Virginia State University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those West Virginia women
WEST VIRGINIA Mountaineers
A group of W.Va. friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke! of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!
Regarding the year 2000, a senior at W.V.U. was overheard saying that when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in West Virginia. When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.
The young Mountaineer came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young mountaineer answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
======================================================NEWS FLASH! - Morgantown, WV----- West Virginia's worst air disaster
occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two West Virginia University students, crashed! into a cemetery earlier today in Morgantown. Mountaineer search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
A West Virginia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-79. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

146. Perforrmance Evaluations

Some quotes from actual performance evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has hit rock bottom and started to dig"
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"
"I would not allow this employee to breed"
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely
won't be"
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever
foot was previously there"
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"
"This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better"
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

145. Screw The Meek

VATICAN CITY--In a historic reversal of its nearly 2,000-year-old
pro-meek stance, the Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it is
permanently rescinding the traditional "blessed" status of the world's
"Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said, 'Blessed are the meek,'"
said Pope John Paul II in a papal bull read before the College of
Cardinals. "However, there has always been a tacit understanding between
the Church and the meek that this 'blessed' status was conditional upon
their inheritance of the earth, an event which seems unlikely to happen
anytime in the foreseeable future. Our relationship, therefore, must be
"Screw the meek," the pope added.
Citing "two millennia of inaction and non-achievement" by the world's
impoverished and downtrodden, the pope contended that the meek's
historic inability to improve their worldly status constituted "bad
faith" on their part.
"Twenty centuries should have been more than enough time for them to
inherit the earth," the Supreme Pontiff said. "For years, the Catholic
Church has made every effort to help them, but at some point, enough is
enough. We are patient, but we are not saints."
Catholic leaders around the world were vocal in their support of the

Monday, March 06, 2006

144. Tips For Northerners Moving South

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba".
You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.
Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of
a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what
they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is
plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern
accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy".
Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this
expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last
shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out
of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do.
In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate,
you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their
car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait
until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery
store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just
something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase
one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is
logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerabley more than the
trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in
common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees
than Southerners living there.
25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor".
You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud", and
"Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,
directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive
on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed
and lane position for the vehicle.
27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know
the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to
stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

143. Stranded on A Deserted Island

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the
following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this absolutely stunning deserted
island in the middle of nowhere, the following has occurred:
** One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
** The two French men and the French woman are living
happily together in a menage a trois.
** The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of
when they alternate with the German woman.
** The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and
the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
** The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.
** The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless
ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
** The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while
the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the
true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they
can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division
of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her
opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her
mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not
** The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South
and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex
is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few
litres of coconut whiskey, but at least the English are not getting any.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

142. The Latest Ford

Opinion: Big Wheels

The Ford Motor Company today introduced the first design change to make the rising number of huge sport utility vehicles a little safer in crashes with cars. It said its newest sport utility vehicle, a behemoth that would be the tallest and heaviest yet, would be equipped with hollow steel bars mounted below the front and rear bumpers to prevent it from riding over cars during collisions. The horizontal steel beams hang down six inches from the high-riding steel frame of the vehicle, the Ford Excursion, which is nearly seven feet tall and weighs more than three tons.
The New York Times, Feb. 27

Unconfirmed leaks in the car industry press suggest that the Excursion, an improved version of the Expedition, which itself upgraded the once popular Explorer, is a precursor to several even larger and heavier sport utility models expected within the next three years.

First off the production line will be the Extravagance. At 90 inches wide, compared with the Excursion's 80 inches, it will be the first sport model to be classified as an extra-wide vehicle and therefore required by Federal regulations to carry special running lights on the roof and sides. The Extravagance will be available in 150 colors, but not yellow, which Ford palette researchers rejected after studies showed that a yellow mock-up was frequently mistaken in tests for a school bus, especially when its driver's side stop sign swung out.

Auto-industry life-style researchers are said to be especially pleased with the Extravagance's beverage holder. With a capacity for up to four grande lattes, the holder will be the first to be built of flexible steel beams and to have a double layer of insulation. Company safety officials said that, in the event of a head-on collision, the holder is designed to bend and absorb energy, thereby minimizing the amount of dangerous hot spillage.

141. Comparing Cars & Computers

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the
statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" along
with the following comments:

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy
a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and
fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange
reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
bought Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five
percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to
their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a
single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what

Saturday, March 04, 2006

140. A Few Rules Of Life

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
5. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
6. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
7. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
8. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
9. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
10. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
11. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
12. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
13. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
14. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
15. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

139. Half A Proverb

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave
each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up
with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight
may surprise you.
Better to be safe than....................punch a 5th grader
Strike while the..........................bug is close
It's always darkest before...............Daylight Savings Time
Never underestimate the power of..........termites
You can lead a horse to water but.........how?
Don't bite the hand that................. looks dirty
No news is................................impossible
A miss is as good as a....................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new............math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning
Love all, trust...........................me
The pen is mightier than the.............pigs
An idle mind is...........................the best way tor elax
Where there's smoke there's..............pollution
Happy the bride who.....................gets all the presents
A penny saved is.........................not much
Two's company, three's...................the Musketeers
Don't put off till tomorrow what........you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..........you have
to blow your nose
None are so blind as.......................Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries
You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind...........get out of the way
And the favorite. Better late than...........pregnant

Friday, March 03, 2006

138. Being An Engineer

Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

You might be an engineer if ...

... choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
... you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
... in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
... the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your
... at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
... you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
... you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
... you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
... you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special
... you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
... you know what ... you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.
... you see a good design and still have to change it.
... you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
... you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
... you window shop at Radio Shack
....your laptop computer costs more than your car.
... your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
... you've already calculated how much you make per second.
... you've tried to repair a $5 radio.

137. Good News - Bad News

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good
news and some bad news," The Lord said. Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first. "Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.
The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great
physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life
form and populate this planet.
Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to
me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked at Adam and said with great sorrow,
"You will never be able to use these two at the same time."

Thursday, March 02, 2006

136. A Prayer

A Rosh Hashanah Prayer, courtesy of Rabbi Jacob Pressman, University of Pennsylvania Class of 1940:

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastroenterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber and the IRS
May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall.
May your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.
May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there may you find a parking space.
May Friday evening, December 31, find you seated around the Shabbat table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends, ushering in the Sabbath day. You will find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.
May you wake up on January 1st, finding that the world has not come to an end, the lights work, the water faucets flow, and the sky has not fallen.
May you go to the bank on Monday morning, January 3rd and find your account is in order, your money is still there and any mistakes are in your
May you ponder on January 4th how did this ultra-modern civilization
of ours managed to get itself traumatized by a possible slip of a blip on a chip made out of sand.
May we relax about the Third Millennium of the Common Era, and realize that we still have 240 years until the dawn of the Sixth Millennium of the Jewish Calendar by which time the computer is long since obsolete and so are we.
In the coming year of presidential campaigning, may some of the promises made be kept and may you believe at least half of what the candidates propose, and may those elected fulfill at least half of what
they promise.
May you relish, with a sense of humor, the possibility that a professional wrestler could become president of the United States, just as a professional actor once did.
May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them.
May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.
May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, and may your checkbook and your budget balance, and may they include generous amounts for charity.
May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child and your parent; but not to your secretary, your nurse, personal trainer or intern.
And finally, may you fill your world with love even more than you have in the past.