Onward Bound Humor

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Monday, March 06, 2006

144. Tips For Northerners Moving South

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba".
You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.
Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of
a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what
they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is
plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern
accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy".
Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this
expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last
shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out
of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do.
In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate,
you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their
car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait
until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery
store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just
something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase
one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is
logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerabley more than the
trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in
common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees
than Southerners living there.
25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor".
You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud", and
"Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,
directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive
on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed
and lane position for the vehicle.
27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know
the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to
stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

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