Onward Bound Humor

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Location: The City, On the edge

Monday, February 27, 2006

134. Diet For Stress

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that
builds up during the day.
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
l cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

Rules for this Diet

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in
thecandy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if
you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot
chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories
because they are part of the entertainment package and not
part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds,
buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of
breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if
you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of
calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream;
mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for
any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This
is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since
the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)


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