Onward Bound Humor

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Thursday, March 02, 2006

136. A Prayer

A Rosh Hashanah Prayer, courtesy of Rabbi Jacob Pressman, University of Pennsylvania Class of 1940:

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastroenterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber and the IRS
May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall.
May your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.
May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there may you find a parking space.
May Friday evening, December 31, find you seated around the Shabbat table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends, ushering in the Sabbath day. You will find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.
May you wake up on January 1st, finding that the world has not come to an end, the lights work, the water faucets flow, and the sky has not fallen.
May you go to the bank on Monday morning, January 3rd and find your account is in order, your money is still there and any mistakes are in your
May you ponder on January 4th how did this ultra-modern civilization
of ours managed to get itself traumatized by a possible slip of a blip on a chip made out of sand.
May we relax about the Third Millennium of the Common Era, and realize that we still have 240 years until the dawn of the Sixth Millennium of the Jewish Calendar by which time the computer is long since obsolete and so are we.
In the coming year of presidential campaigning, may some of the promises made be kept and may you believe at least half of what the candidates propose, and may those elected fulfill at least half of what
they promise.
May you relish, with a sense of humor, the possibility that a professional wrestler could become president of the United States, just as a professional actor once did.
May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them.
May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.
May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, and may your checkbook and your budget balance, and may they include generous amounts for charity.
May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child and your parent; but not to your secretary, your nurse, personal trainer or intern.
And finally, may you fill your world with love even more than you have in the past.

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