Onward Bound Humor

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Friday, March 24, 2006

159. Nurse Humor

You've been a nurse for a long time if....

**You avoid unhealthy-looking people in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
**It doesn't bother you to eat a candy bar in one hand while performing digital stimulation on you patent with the other.
**You've had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring, and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."
**You've ever bet on someone's blood level.
**You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage.
**You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.
**You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.
**You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.
...............................
Three nurses go to heaven. Saint Peter asks them are they worthy.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"
..............................

What's the difference between a surgeon and a puppy?
If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour, it'll probably stop whining.

Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.

What's the difference between a nurse and a nun?
A nun only serves one God.

The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.
.............................
You Might Be a Nurse if...
** when using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
** your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
** men assume you must be great in bed because of the 9 billion porn movies about nurses.
** everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
* you want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
** you can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
** you can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spagetti with lots of tomato sauce.
you use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shotglass.
...................

How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just have a nursing assistant do it.

How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.

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