Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Location: The City, On the edge

Saturday, December 31, 2005

74. Billy Bob's Vacation

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna
do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and
Mary Joe got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Mary Joe got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti, and darned if Mary Joe didn't get pregnant again." Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Mary Joe with me..."

73. Statement By the Rev. Jesse Jackson

Subject: Statement By Rev Jesse Jackson (ROFLMAO!!!)
Date: Mon, Jan 29, 2001, 11:11 AM

Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the population for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation, for the anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through masturbation, resulted in my fornication. I accepted her invitation, and provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration, replication, and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation) and
I wore condoms to avoid contamination. She cried for duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite of her fascination with variation. This has caused me great aggravation, and the agitation and provocation of the media has resulted in my humiliation, denigration, and degradation. My wife is considering castration, which would require my hospitalization. Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation will not result in revocation and termination.
I hope this proclamation has provided illumination and verification
and will prohibit further provocation.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson

Friday, December 30, 2005

73. Top Ten Excuses For Not Exercising

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one
minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional
5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
2. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a
pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what
I'm doing.
5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have
put them further up on our body.
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least:
10. I don't jog: it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

72. A Potato Saga

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had
eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one, a real
sweet potato, whom they called Yam. They wanted the best for little Yam,
telling her all about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half baked because she
could get Mashed, get a bad name like 'Hot Potato,' and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. She said not to worry, "No Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her!" But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to
watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out west because she could get Scalloped. She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to Idaho
P.U., that's Potato University, where the Big Potatoes come from. When she
graduates, she'll really be in the Chips. But one day she came home
and said she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because he's just a...?

Are you ready for this?
OK! Here it is!


Wednesday, December 28, 2005

71. Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

70. Smart Math


Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman =affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1
for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful
man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Rowland Croucher

Monday, December 26, 2005

69. Congress Announces A New President

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States
of America will be outsourced to India as of December 30th, 2005.

The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and
also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the
office has incurred during the last 5 years.

"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be
significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the
aid of the Government Accounting Office, hás studied outsourcing of
American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on
the world stage with the current level of cash outlay,"Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination.

Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime. Gurvinder
Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the Office of
President as of December 30th.
Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were
vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position.
He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage
or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his Job
responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few
offices of the US Government will be open.
"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express
call center" stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited
about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."
A Congressional Spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should
not be a problem because Mr. Bush was not familiar with the issues either.
Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond
effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned
responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the
underlying issues at all.
"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President
Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona
in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation.

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day
of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible
for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be
eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. To
help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.
According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at
Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and
phony smile.
Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National
Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this
option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month, before being
sent to Iraq, a country he has visited.
"I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained
invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's
terminal and gift shop.

Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception
from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.

68. How To Write Good by Frank L. Visco

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?

Saturday, December 24, 2005

67. The Book Of Nations And Elephants

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book .......... The Sex Life of the Elephant
The English book ......... Elephants I have Shot on Safari
The Welsh book ........... The Elephant and its Influence on Welsh Language and Culture
The American book ........ How to Make Bigger and Better Elephants
The Japanese book ........ How to Make Smaller and Cheaper Elephants
The Finnish book ......... What Do Elephants Think About Finnish People
The German book .......... A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6
The Icelandic book ....... Defrosting an Elephant
The Canadian book ........ Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book ......... How to Reduce your Taxes with an Elephant
The Swiss book .......... The Country Through Which Hannibal With His Elephants Went
The Israeli book ......... The Elephant and the Jewish Problem
The Danish book .......... Elephants - 100 Easy Ways of Cooking Them

Friday, December 23, 2005

66. Catholic Dictionary

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the
congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher
than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more
quietly,since most of the people have already left.
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found
colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can
recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led
by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

65. A Test

1. The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and the user doesn't see it. What is it?

A coffin

2. A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts, to parents who were both born in Boston, Massachusetts. The child is not a United States citizen. How is this possible?

The child was born before 1776.

3. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on earth?

Mount Everest, it just hadn't been discovered

4. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Clara lives in the Southern Hemisphere.

5. Captain Frank and some of the boys were exchanging old war stories. Art Bragg offered one about how his grandfather led a battalion against a German division during World War I. Through brilliant maneuvers he defeated them and captured valuable territory. After the battle he was presented with a sword bearing the inscription "To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring and Leadership. World War I. From the Men of Battalion 8." Captain Frank looked at Art and said, "You really don't expect anyone to believe that yarn, do you?" What's wrong with the story?

World War I wasn't called "World War I" until World War II.

7. In what year did Christmas and New Year's fall in the same year?

They fall in the same year every year. New Year's Day just arrives very early in the year and Christmas arrives very late in the same year.

8. A woman from New York married ten different men from that city, yet she did not break any laws. None of these men died, and she never divorced. How was this possible?

The lady was a Justice of the Peace.

9. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills?

One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.

10. How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?

Only once, and then you are subtracting it from 20.

11. How could you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.

"one word"

14. In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

You have to take a picture of a man with a camera, not with a wooden leg.

16. After the new Canon Law that took effect on November 27, 1983, would a Roman Catholic man be allowed to marry his widow's sister?

No. A dead man can marry no one.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

64. Signs You Live In The New Millennium

1. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
2. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails
you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
3. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
4. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa,
but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
5. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see
if it contains Echinacea.
6. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn
so she can create a screen saver.
7. You pull up in your own driveway and use cell phone to see if
anyone is home.
8. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells
for half the price you paid.
9. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first thirty years of your life, is cause for panic and you go back to go get it.
10. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase
would be a hassle and take planning.
11. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags
out of the back seat of your car.
12. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that
they do not have e-mail addresses.
13. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
14. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
15. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
16. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
17. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
18. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling,
as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
19. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.
20. You wake up at 3:00 am to go to the bathroom and check your
E-mail on your way back to bed.
21. You're reading this.
22. Even worse; you're going to send it on to someone else.

(If you have humor that will fit in this site please send it to:

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

63. The New Hospital Wing

When some doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at a hospital:
the allergists voted to scratch it;
the dermatologists preferred no rash moves;
the gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it;
the microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein;
the neurologists thought the administration "had a lot of nerve";
the obstetricians stated they were labouring under a misconception;
the ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted;
the orthopedists issued a joint resolution;
the parasitologists said, "Well, if you encyst";
the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!";
the pediatricians said, "Grow up!";
the proctologists said, "We are in arrears";
the psychiatrists thought it was madness;
the radiologists could see right through it;
the internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow;
the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter";
the podiatrists thought it was a big step forward;
the physiotherapists thought they were being manipulated;
the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water;
the anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas;
the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no;
the audiologists were deaf to the idea. and finally,
the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

Monday, December 19, 2005

62. Things You Never Hear In Church

1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon
went 25 minutes overtime.
3. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to
send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the
Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary; let's
pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before.
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment
like our annual stewardship campaign.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

61. Why God Never Received Tenure

1. He only had one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some doubt he even wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but
what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time
replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission
to use human subjects.
10. When subjects didn't behave as he predicted, he deleted
them from the sample.
11. He rarely came to class, he just told students to read the book.
12. Some say he had his son teach the class.
13. He expelled his first two students for learning.
14. Although there were only 10 requirements, all of his
students failed the test.
15. His office hours were infrequent and held on a mountain top.
16. He has a poor record of working well with colleagues.

Friday, December 16, 2005

60. Older Women

To all my 40+ lady friends . . .

Andy Rooney says:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all.
Here are just a few reasons why:

An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night
to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If an older woman doesn't want to watch the game, she
doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do.
And it's usually something more interesting.

An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in
who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few
women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about
her or what she's doing.

Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming
match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive
restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to
shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.
They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to
her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore
even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other
women. An older woman couldn't care less if you're attracted to
her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess
your sins to an older woman. They always know.

An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This
is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right
off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have
to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart,
well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in
yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old

"Ladies, I apologize."
Andy Rooney

Thursday, December 15, 2005

59. You CAN Take It With You

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward he dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St.Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?"

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

58. What Women Want

What Women Want in a Man, Original List (age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

57. Translation of Key Female Words

FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feelthey are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing," and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care. "You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine," and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH - Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that awoman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead." At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT - This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing.

Monday, December 12, 2005

56. Signs You Are A Yankee

You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY.
You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You don't have bangs.
You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his
own TV fishing show.
You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of
the road and stopping.
Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within
the context of a football game.
You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
You've never been to a craft show..
You can't do your laundry without quarters.
None of your fur coats are homemade.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

55. Vocabulary Builders

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

54. Short History of Medicine

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.

(If you have any humor that would fit in these pages please send
it to bookgleaner@aol.com)

Friday, December 09, 2005

53. Symphony Orchestra Deportment Police


Name of offender: __________________
Date/Time of Offense __________
Instrument: ________________________
Location: _____________________

__ Stupid Questions $10
__ Really Stupid Questions $25
__ Really Stupid Questions which increase
rehearsal length $300

__ Musicology $25
__ Historical Nitpicking $50
__ Obtrusive Foot-tapping $10
__ Uninvited Conducting $15
__ Questioning Concertmaster's or Principal's
bowings $25
__ Comparing Concertmaster's or Principal's
bowings with what Philadelphia Orchestra
did under Ormandy $100

__ Insane Cackling at Conductor's bad jokes $50
__ Loud and forced horse laugh at Conductor's
bad jokes $10
__ Unwarranted beatific smile while playing
(strings) $40
__ Conspicuous professional reading (e.g.
International Musician, etc.) $35
__ Stultifyingly minute bowing/breath questions $75
__ Conversing with conductor in a language
other than English $95
__ Active and public nodding in agreement
with conductor $35
__ Pencil behind ear $25
__ Conspicuous part marking $15
__ Letting pencil clatter on stand after
conspicuous part marking $500
__ Obvious, insipid consultation of
conductor's score during break $150
__ reference to obscure recordings/
performances $90
__ Pretending to understand absurd metaphor $15
__ Understanding absurd metaphor $25

__ Playing high notes louder than possible (brass) $25
__ Holding same 1/4 beat longer than
everyone else (brass) $200
__ Discussing technique during rehearsal $100
__ Discussing technique during break $200
__ Discussing technique with guest artist
(at any time) $500
__ Tiresome time-consuming anecdotes $30
__ Tiresome time-consuming anecdotes about
famous musician (second hand) $60
__ Tiresome time-consuming anecdotes about
famous musician (first hand) $90
__ Naming yourself after a dead composer $50
__ Naming yourself after a live composer $100
__ Feigning European birth by 'lapsing'
into foreign languages $150

__ Selling Amway $50
__ Inviting conductor to party $15
__ Inviting guest artist to party $100
__ Showing pictures of guest artist at party at
first rehearsal after party $200

Signature of citing official


Wednesday, December 07, 2005

51. Rules For Depression

1. Try to be PERFECT.
2. Be very critical of any mistakes or failures you might make.
3. Do what you SHOULD do, even if it is not what you want to do.
4. Always do what you are supposed to be doing.
5. Make other persons happy at any cost to yourself.
6. Work hard at pleasing your most severe critic.
7. Know that if you don't please, the other person will reject or leave
8. Never make a mistake
9. Live alone and have few friends.
10. Keep your failures, mistakes, errors and faults to yourself. Never
let anyone know of them, because you never want anyone to know how bad
you really are. Keep your secrets personal.
11. FEAR the future, because you know it will turn out bad.
12. WORRY about how bad it will be.
13. With such an awful future, try to be in control as much as possible.
Knowing you are not in self control, seek to control other and events.
14. Knowing how you really are inside, your secret self, never listen to
or accept praise or compliments. They will just make you big headed and
15. Recognize the true importance of a negative interpretation and be
certain to always emphasize the negative, and generalize it to yourself
whenever possible.
16. Avoid any awareness of how your negativeness affects others. You
have an important role to fulfill for them, and they need your realistic

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

50. Medical Terms

A glossary of Medical Terms, and alternate meanings.

Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................Was aware of
Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus station
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.

Monday, December 05, 2005

49. Questionnaire From God

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your deity?
__ Newspaper
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Television
__ Book of Mormon
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Dead Sea Scrolls
__ My Mama Done Tol' Me
__ Near Death Experience
__ Near Life Experience
__ National Public Radio
__ Tabloid
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model deity did you acquire?
__ Yahweh
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
__ Jehovah
__ Jesus
__ Krishna
__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
__ Allah
__ Satan
__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
__ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
__ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:
__ Not eternal
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
__ Not omniscient
__ Not omnipotent
__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
__ Permits sex outside of marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera; Paul Iannone)
__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
__ When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched
__ Requires burnt offerings
__ Requires virgin sacrifices

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Fear of death
__ Couldn't see why Geraldo should exist
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like Organ Music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it.

5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by?
Please check all that apply.
__ Mick Jagger
__ Cthulhu
__ Baal
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Bill Gates
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ The Radical Right
__ Ra
__ Beelzebub
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ Elvis
__ Cindy Crawford
__ The Moon
__ A burning shrubbery
__ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books
__ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ Alcohol
__ Bill Clinton
__ Tea Leaves
__ EST
__ CompuServe
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Barney Fife
__ Other:_____________________
__ None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.
Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=3 unsatisfactory, 5=3 excellent):
a. Disasters:
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
Microsoft Windows 1 2 3 4 5

b. Miracles:
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by July 30 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10^9, depending on number of beings entered).

48. Life On An Island?

There are beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
* 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
* 2 American men and 1 American woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together
in a menage a trois.

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate
with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

47. Men And Women Communicating!

The truth about communication between men and women..... an example

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scum.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and ... .
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
''What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh, I feel so . .... . ''
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.
A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding worldhunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

'Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''

Saturday, December 03, 2005

46. The Christmas Letter

Dear Friends,
A lot has happened to our family in the past year. Thought we'd catch you up in time for the holidays.
First, our CIA assignment was successful as you could tell from the stories coming out of Moscow. Of course, the Nobel Prize was a nice moment (We have it on the mantle next to the Pulitzers.)
About midyear we took time off to visit our son David on Mt Ararat. There seems to be a connection to Noah's Ark and the Holy Grail and he's sure his new book will be better than the DaVinci Code.
When the president called for an emergency consultation we, at first, were hesitant to accept but after due consideration, we decided the country comes first so that shot September. We don't recommend the Lincoln room, the bed has lumps and you won't believe what it takes to get a top secret clearance.
And then came the Broadway offers for our new musical based on last year experiences on Kilimanjaro (which was a romp compared to Everest). No, this time we won't play the leads.
I also want to reassure you that all the rumors about selling the diamond mine are not true; ignore them.
Anyway, here we are, like you, home for the holiday (Gstaad is perfect this time of year) with our family, except for Cousin Norman somewhere in North Korea (he's a crack shot) and Sister Diane staring in the Equestrian Championships. But enough about us. What's new with you?

All our love
David and Kathie

45. Christmas Party

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2003
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the
Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2003
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party-or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
DATE: October 05, 2003
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly
put it, and you'll get your salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2003
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!

Friday, December 02, 2005

44. The Twelve Days of Christmas

The Twelve Days of Christmas
by M. Hughes and Mala Miller

December 14
Dear John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightfull gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion, _________Agnes

December 15
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine . . . two turtle doves. I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,_______________Agnes

December 16
Dear John:
Oh! Arent you the extravagant one. Now I must really protest. I don't deserve such generosity . . . three French hens! They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

December 17
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but dont you think enough is enough? You're being to romantic.

December 18
Dear John:
What a surprise, Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all these birds squawking are beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,______________Agnes

December 19
Dear John:
I opened by door today and there were actually six geese a-laying on by front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? These geese are huge! Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through this racket!

December 20
Dear John:
What's with you and these * * * * birds? seven swans a-swimming! What kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird * * * * all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with the * * * * birds.

December 21
OK, buster . . . I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and the maids, but they bought their damn cows. Lay off me, smartass!_______________Agnes

December 22
Hey, * * * * -head! What are you some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing! And Christ are they loud and they've never stopped chasing the maids since they got here. The cows are upset and they're stepping all over the birds. Now the neighbors have started a petition to evict me!
You'll get yours.________________Agnes

December 23
You rotten * * * *. Now there's ten ladies dancing! I don't know why I call these sluts ladies. They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm succing the police on you!

December 24
Listen * * * *-head, what's with the eleven lords a-leaping on the maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again! The pipers are now screwing the cows. All twenty-three birds are dead - - - they got trampled in the orgy. I hope your satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,____________Agnes

December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge you latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have inflicted upon our client Agnes Mendolstein. The destruction was total. All future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Mendolstein at the Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you and any additional gifts on sight. Please find attached a copy of the warrant for your arrest.
Law Offices
Budger, Bender & Cahole

Thursday, December 01, 2005

43. Christmas Carols for Psychiatrists

1. SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

3. DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

4. NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me.

5. MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and FireHydrants and . . .

6. PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me.

7. PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why.

8. DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely.

9. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bells...

10. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away).

11. BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire. (All)