Onward Bound Humor

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Friday, December 09, 2005

53. Symphony Orchestra Deportment Police

CITATION

Name of offender: __________________
Date/Time of Offense __________
Instrument: ________________________
Location: _____________________

IMPERSONATING A PROFESSIONAL Fine
__ Stupid Questions $10
__ Really Stupid Questions $25
__ Really Stupid Questions which increase
rehearsal length $300

PRESUMPTUOUS FIRST YEAR BEHAVIOR
__ Musicology $25
__ Historical Nitpicking $50
__ Obtrusive Foot-tapping $10
__ Uninvited Conducting $15
__ Questioning Concertmaster's or Principal's
bowings $25
__ Comparing Concertmaster's or Principal's
bowings with what Philadelphia Orchestra
did under Ormandy $100

GENERAL TOADYING
__ Insane Cackling at Conductor's bad jokes $50
__ Loud and forced horse laugh at Conductor's
bad jokes $10
__ Unwarranted beatific smile while playing
(strings) $40
__ Conspicuous professional reading (e.g.
International Musician, etc.) $35
__ Stultifyingly minute bowing/breath questions $75
__ Conversing with conductor in a language
other than English $95
__ Active and public nodding in agreement
with conductor $35
__ Pencil behind ear $25
__ Conspicuous part marking $15
__ Letting pencil clatter on stand after
conspicuous part marking $500
__ Obvious, insipid consultation of
conductor's score during break $150
__ reference to obscure recordings/
performances $90
__ Pretending to understand absurd metaphor $15
__ Understanding absurd metaphor $25

ANNOYING BEHAVIOR BY VETERANS
__ Playing high notes louder than possible (brass) $25
__ Holding same 1/4 beat longer than
everyone else (brass) $200
__ Discussing technique during rehearsal $100
__ Discussing technique during break $200
__ Discussing technique with guest artist
(at any time) $500
__ Tiresome time-consuming anecdotes $30
__ Tiresome time-consuming anecdotes about
famous musician (second hand) $60
__ Tiresome time-consuming anecdotes about
famous musician (first hand) $90
__ Naming yourself after a dead composer $50
__ Naming yourself after a live composer $100
__ Feigning European birth by 'lapsing'
into foreign languages $150

GENERAL OBNOXIOUS BEHAVIOR
__ Selling Amway $50
__ Inviting conductor to party $15
__ Inviting guest artist to party $100
__ Showing pictures of guest artist at party at
first rehearsal after party $200

____________________________
Signature of citing official

FAILURE TO PAY FINES SHALL BE CAUSE FOR REVOCATION OF ARTISTIC LICENSE

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