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Friday, December 02, 2005

44. The Twelve Days of Christmas

The Twelve Days of Christmas
by M. Hughes and Mala Miller

December 14
Dear John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightfull gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion, _________Agnes

December 15
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine . . . two turtle doves. I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,_______________Agnes

December 16
Dear John:
Oh! Arent you the extravagant one. Now I must really protest. I don't deserve such generosity . . . three French hens! They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

December 17
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but dont you think enough is enough? You're being to romantic.

December 18
Dear John:
What a surprise, Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all these birds squawking are beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,______________Agnes

December 19
Dear John:
I opened by door today and there were actually six geese a-laying on by front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? These geese are huge! Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through this racket!

December 20
Dear John:
What's with you and these * * * * birds? seven swans a-swimming! What kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird * * * * all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with the * * * * birds.

December 21
OK, buster . . . I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and the maids, but they bought their damn cows. Lay off me, smartass!_______________Agnes

December 22
Hey, * * * * -head! What are you some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing! And Christ are they loud and they've never stopped chasing the maids since they got here. The cows are upset and they're stepping all over the birds. Now the neighbors have started a petition to evict me!
You'll get yours.________________Agnes

December 23
You rotten * * * *. Now there's ten ladies dancing! I don't know why I call these sluts ladies. They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm succing the police on you!

December 24
Listen * * * *-head, what's with the eleven lords a-leaping on the maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again! The pipers are now screwing the cows. All twenty-three birds are dead - - - they got trampled in the orgy. I hope your satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,____________Agnes

December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge you latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have inflicted upon our client Agnes Mendolstein. The destruction was total. All future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Mendolstein at the Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you and any additional gifts on sight. Please find attached a copy of the warrant for your arrest.
Law Offices
Budger, Bender & Cahole

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