Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Location: The City, On the edge

Friday, June 30, 2006

247. Two Old Ladies

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time.
After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for
dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle
of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."

Thursday, June 29, 2006

246. Before And After Falling In Love

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.
Before - She says she loves the way I take control of the situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.
Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...
Before - It's like I'm in a dream.
After - It's like he's in my nightmare.
Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
Before - I love a woman with curves.
After - I never said you were fat
Before - He's completely lost without me.
After - Why won't he ever ask for directions?
Before - Time stood still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.
Before - You look so seductive in black.
After - Your clothes are so depressing.
Before - Oysters
After - Fish sticks
Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

245. Rules For Singing The Blues

1. Most Blues begin, " Woke up this morning"
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, "less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes.....sort of: " Got a good women - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. In Blues "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Tucson is just depression baby. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues.
You can't have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or shopping mail, the lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jail house
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places:
a. Nordstroms
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. Golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. You're older than dirt
b. You're blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis
d. You can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. You have all your teeth
b. You were once blind but now can see
c. The man in Memphis lived
d. You have a retirement plan or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a let up on the Blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Merlot
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. Also, the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during tennis match or getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for man:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
c. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer - you cannot sing the blues.
20. Dogs one can have if they want to sing the Blues:
a sooner dog
21. You cannot love the blues if you have one of these dogs:
afghan hound
any type of poodle
any type of terrier
shiz tsu
any type of poodle

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

244. Female Relationship Rules

1. The female makes the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules
are not permitted.
4. If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules,
she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do, or did not say.
7. If rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.
8. The female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all.
9. The male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances without the express written consent of the female which is given only in cases where the female wanted him to change his mind but gave no indication of that wish. See rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.
10. The female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole judgement she deems appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of the root cause of the female's being angry or upset. The female may, however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the male is paying attention. See rule 13.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. Under no circumstances may the female give the male any clue or indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times. Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the sole discretion of the female.
14. The female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past incident without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify, enlarge, embellish, of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to the male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive, pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or oafish.
15. The female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to illustrate the ways in which the male has failed to accord her the consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions, he has bestowed on other females, domestic pets or barnyard animals, sports teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, or co-workers. Such illustrations are non-rebuttable.

Monday, June 26, 2006

243. Voting Day Notice


Due to an anticipated voter turnout much larger than originally expected,
the polling facilities may not be able to handle the load all at once.
Therefore, Democrats are requested to vote on Tuesday,
November 7, and Republicans on Wednesday, November 8.
Please pass this message along and help us to make sure that
nobody gets left out!

Sunday, June 25, 2006

242. Light Bulbs & More

How many Lubavichers does it take to replace a light bulb?
Three, one to screw it in and two two convince everyone else to do it.

How many Stamarers does it take to replace a light bulb?
Two, one to screw it in and another to denounce it as a Zionist plot.

How many Zionists does it take to replace a light bulb?
Four, one to stay home and convince someone lest to do it, a second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it in, and a fourth to proclaim that the entire Jewish people stands behind their actions.

How many JAPs does it take to replace a light bulb?
Two, one to pour the Tab, the other to call Daddy.

How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb"
Two, one to call the electrician and one to mix the drinks.

How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
Four, one to change the bulb and three to share the experience.

How many graduate student does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes nine years.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

241. Light Bulbs and Professions

How Many, In the Following Professions, Does It Take To Change
A Light Bulb?

Psychiatrists: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

Windows Programmers: 472, one to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...

Managers: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why
light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors
can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Microsoft Vice Presidents: Eight, one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Shipping Dept. Personnel: We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if
you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.

Microsoft Engineers: None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as
the new industry standard.

Jewish Mothers: None. ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")

Nuclear War Survivors: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Russian Leaders: Nobody knows, Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.

Feminists: Thats not funny!!!

Data Base People Three, one to write the light bulb removal program, one
to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb
administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at
the same time.

Consultants: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Doctor: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

College Football Players: The entire team! And they all get a semester's
credit for it!

Friday, June 23, 2006

240. Light Bulbs & The Bush Administration


1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed.
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed.
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb.
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either responsible for changing the light bulb or for darkness.
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Haliburton for the new light bulb.
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a stepladder under the banner: Lightbulb Change Accomplished.
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark.
8. One to viciously smear #7.
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light bulb changing policy all along.
10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country
11. None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb. Conditions regarding the light bulb are improving every day. Reports of its diminished incandescence are obviously a delusional spin from the American hating liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say about it undermines its lighting effect and will give aid and comfort to the enemy.
We have a list of people like you, who, for whatever the reason are of a defective nature. You obviously either can't, or just won't see the light, and we are keeping all of you who are against us under careful observation.

Why do you hate the freedom loving light bulb?

Thursday, June 22, 2006

239. Light Bulbs & PMS

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.
They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT.
And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

238. Light Bulbs And Jews

Jewish Light Bulb Questions

Hassidic Rebbes: What is a light bulb?

Orthodox Rabbis: Change?

Conservative Rabbis: Call a committee meeting.

Reform Rabbis: None, anyone can change it whenever they want to.

Jewish Renewal Rabbis: It depends.

Shlomo Hassidim: Gevaldt, it's mamash such a great opportunity to do t'shuvah.
So it takes everyone there to get real close, sing a niggun, listen to an Ishbitzer teaching,
tell a Levi Yitchak story, and change the bulb at 2 in the morning.

Reconstructionist Rabbis: Four, one to wish they were doing what the Orthodox rabbi does,
one to wish they were doing what the Reform rabbi does, one to wish they were doing what
the Renewal rabbi does, and one eventually to change the bulb.

Lubavitchers: None, it never died.

Breslover Hassidim: None, there will never be one that will burn as brightly as the first one.

Congregates: CHANGE? You vant we should CHANGE the light bulb? My grandmother
donated that light bulb!!!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

237. Light Bulbs And Christians

Changing A Light Bulb The Christian Way
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only one, hands already in the air.

Calvinists: None, God has predestined when the lights will be on.

Pentecostal: Ten, one to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None, lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None, candles only.

Baptists: At least 15, one to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: Three, one to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: Five, one man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined, whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: 6, One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None, lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

Southern Baptists: 109, seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Light bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Committee Executive of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27-member church Board, who appoints another 12-member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8-member review committee. If their report to the Next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the best price on new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware store has the best buy must them be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connections to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the janitor to Ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.

TV evangelists: One, but for the message of light to continue send in your donation today.

Jehovah's Witness: Three, one to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!

Monday, June 19, 2006

236. Jewish Haiku

After the warm rain
the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?

Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
of her friend's disease.

Today I am a man.
Tomorrow I will return
to the seventh grade.

Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day forecast: feh!

Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she sighs softly.
But her son's forty.

The sparkling blue sea
reminds me to wait an hour
after my sandwich.

Tea ceremony-
fragrant steam perfumes the air.
Try the cheese Danish.

Lacking fins or tail
the gefilte fish swims with
great difficulty.

My nature journal
today, I saw trees and birds.
I should know the names?

Like a bonsai tree,
your terrible posture at
my dinner table.

Beyond Valium,
the peace of knowing one's child
is an internist.

Jews on safari-
map, compass, elephant gun,
hard sucking candies.

Coroner's report --
"The deceased, wearing no hat,
caught his death of cold."

The same kimono
the top geishas are wearing:
I got at Loehmann's.

The sparrow brings home
too many worms for her young.
Force yourself," she chirps.

Jewish triathlon:
gin rummy, then contract bridge,
followed by a nap.

Can't you just leave it?"
the new Jewish mother asks -
umbilical cord.

The shivah visit:
so sorry about your loss.
Now to my problems.

Our youngest daughter,
our most precious jewel, hence
the name, Tiffany.

Mom, please! There is no
need to put that dinner roll
in your pocketbook.

Seven-foot Jews in
the NBA slam-dunking!
My alarm clock rings.

Concert of car horns
as we debate the question
of when to change lanes.

Sorry I'm not home
to take your call. At the tone
please state your bad news.

Left the door open
for the Prophet Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.

Yom Kippur-
Please forgive me, Lord,
for having the Mercedes
and all that lobster.

Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah
Oy! To be fluent!

Quietly murmured
at Saturday services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.

Looking for pink buds
to prune, the old moyel wanders
among his flowers.

Hard to tell under
the lights -- white Yarmulke or
male-pattern baldness?

A lovely nose ring,
excuse me while I put my
head in the oven.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

235. Jewish Zen

If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions. Argue.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Those who know do not kibbitz. Those who kibbitz do not know.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Do not kvetch. Be a kvetch. Become one with your whining.

The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes !!

Saturday, June 17, 2006

234. Signs Of Being Jewish

You Know you were Brought up Jewish If:

1. You watched Ed Sullivan every Sunday night, and your parents laughed out loud at Myron Cohen (if you don't know who Myron Cohen is, don't bother reading any further).
2. You spent your entire childhood thinking everyone calls pot roast "brisket."
3. You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door when you're in there longer than 3 minutes.
4. Your family dog responds to commands uttered in Yiddish.
5. Every Saturday morning was spent with your father at the neighborhood deli counter, stocking up on whitefish salad, whitefish ("chubs"), herring, corned beef, roast beef, spiced beef, cole slaw, potato salad, a half-dozen huge barrel pickles, a dozen assorted bagels, cream cheese, and rye bread (sliced while you wait) ... all of which would be strictly off-limits until Sunday morning.
6. Every Sunday afternoon was spent visiting your grandparents.
7. You experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.
8. You had at least one female relative who draws eyebrows on her face and they are always asymmetrical.
9. You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for Kugel and kasha and bowties.
10. You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
11. You were as tall as your grandfather by the age seven and a half.
12. You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes.
13. You were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.
14. You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
15. Your mother smacked you really hard and continues to make you feel bad for hurting her hand.
16. You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.
17. You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kinahurra.
18. You're still angry at your parents for not speaking both Yiddish and English to you when you were a baby.
19. You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor.
20. Your grandparent's newly washed linoleum floor was covered with the NY Times, which your grandparents could not read.
21. You thought speaking loud was normal.
22. You considered your Bar or Bat Mitzvah a "Get Out of Hebrew School Free" card.
23. You think eating half a bottle of dill pickles is a wholesome snack.
24. You're compelled to mention your grandmother's "giant steel cannonballs" upon seeing the tiny, fluffy matzo balls served at restaurants.
25. You buy 3 shopping bags worth of hot bagels on every trip to NYC, and ship them home via FedEx. (Or, if you live near NYC or Philadelphia or another Jewish city hub, you drive 3 hours to the center of town just to buy a dozen "real" bagels.)

Friday, June 16, 2006

233. Christmas Song Quiz

~~~ Particularly Puzzling Potentially Paradoxical Prose ~~~

These are the names of well-known Christmas songs, rewritten in
PC (pretty convoluted). If you like puzzles, try to decipher them.
If not, just get a chuckle from matching up the translations!
Example: Heavenly beings at extreme altitudes my associates and I
perceved auditory stumulus emanating from.
Translation: "Angels we have heard on high"

1. Sir Lancelot with severe laryngitis
2. Boulder of the tinkling metal spheres
3. Vehicular homicide was committed on Dad's mom by a
precipitous darling
4. Wanted in late December: top forward incisors
5. The apartment of two psychiatrists
6. The lad is a diminutive percussionist
7. I exclaim, a member of the round table with missing areas
8. Decorate the entryways
9. Cup-shaped instruments fashioned of a whitish metallic element
10. Oh small Israel urban center
11. Far off in a hay bin
12. Kong, Lear, and Nat Cole ...that's us!
13. Duodecimal enumeration of the passage of the yuletide season
14. Leave and broadcast from an elevation
15. Our fervent hope is that you thoroughly enjoy your
yuletide season
16. Listen, the winged heavenly messengers are proclaiming
17. As the guardians of the woolly animals protected their
charges in the dark hours
18. I beheld a trio of nautical vessels moving in this direction
19. Jubilation to the entire terrestrial globe
20. Do you perceive the same vibrations which stimulate my
auditory sense organ?
21. A joyful song of reverence relative to hollow metallic vessels
which vibrate and bring forth a ringing sound when struck
22. Parent was observed osculating a red-coated unshaven teamster
23. May the Deity bestow an absence of fatigue to mild male humans
24. Rose-colored uncouth dolf is aware of the nature of
precipitation, darling. (Tricky)

1. Silent Night
2. Jingle Bell Rock
3. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
4. All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth
5. Nutcracker Suite
6. The Little Drummer Boy
7. Oh, Holy Night
8. Deck the Halls
9. Silver Bells
10. O Little Town of Bethlehem
11. Away in a Manger
12. We Three Kings
13. 12 Days of Christmas
14. Go Tell It On the Mountain
15. We Wish You A Merry Christmas
16. Hark the Herald Angels Sing
17. As Shepherds Watched Theit Flocks By Night
18. I Saw 3 Ships on Christmas Day
19. Joy to the World
20. Do You Hear What I Hear
21. The Bells of Christmas Are Ringing
22. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
23. God Rest You Merry Gentlemen
24. Rudolph (rude) the Red Nosed Reindeer (knows rain, dear)
- As modified by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org
- Original source unknown

Thursday, June 15, 2006

232. Sarcasm

Sarcasm From People With Brains

1. "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
2. "A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
- Winston Churchill
3. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
4. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
5. "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
6. "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
7. "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
8. "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln
9. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx
10 "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
- Thomas Brackett Reed
11. "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
12. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
13. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
14. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde
15. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
16. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in reply
17. "A sheep in sheep's clothing."
- Winston Churchill, on Clement Atlee
18. "He occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself and hurried on as if nothing had happened."
- Winston Churchill, on Stanley Baldwin

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

231. Dave Berry, What Ive Learned


1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His
messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual
who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.
Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

227. Ten Reasons Why God Created Woman

10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he
wouldn't ask directions.
9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what
is on TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out he would never buy a new one for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would
never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
4. As "keeper of the garden" Adam would need help in finding his tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything
else that was really his fault.
2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."

And The Number One Reason of All... (Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.)
1. God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: "I can do better than that."

Monday, June 12, 2006

229. New Men's College Courses

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell
the Difference!
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the
Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts
16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

Saturday, June 10, 2006

228. Church Bulletin Bloopers

•This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
•Tuesday, at 4pm, there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
milk come early.
•Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing,
"Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor.
•Thursday, at 5pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please meet with the pastor in his study.
•This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay
an egg at the alter.
•The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
•One Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.
•The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they
may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
•A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the church basement.
Music will follow.
•The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David
Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belzer.
•Tonights sermon: "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
•For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
•Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
•Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
•Don't let worry kill you off--Let the church help.

Friday, June 09, 2006

227. Signs You Live In the SF Bay Area

How do you know you're in the Bay Area?
1. Your household income is $140,000+ and you can't afford to buy a home.
2. You know what DSL stands for.
3. You and your spouse almost come to blows deciding to hit Peet's or Starbucks
4. You think that American food includes sushi, naan, pho, pesto and pad thai.
5. You’ve met your neighbors once.
6. When asked about your commute you answer in time, not distance.
7. Even though you work 80 hours per week on a computer, for relaxation you read your email and peruse eBay.
8. You have worked at the same job for a year and people call you an 'old-timer'.
9. You have a special drawer devoted to T-shirts with the code names of products on them (such as 'Dragon Slayer,' 'Goofball,' 'Squad Car').
10. The T-shirts you value most were for products that never made it to market.
11. You can name four different programming languages and you are not a programmer.
12. You remember the names of the three closest cheap sushi joints, the location of all the Fry's in the area and which companies your friends work for that are going public in the next year, but don't
know the name of the mayor.
13. Your name is in the credits of at least one piece of software.
14. You work 6 miles from your home and spend two hours a day commuting and $60 a week on gas.
15. Winter is when your lawn grows too fast and summer is when it dies.
16. You live on some of the richest farm land in the world but most of what you eat comes from South America on a boat.
17. Your best friend lives across town but you hardly ever see each other because after your commute you're too pooped to spend another hour driving to their home.
18. You have a master's degree in engineering but half the people in your department either didn't go to college or have history degrees, except if you have a master's from Stanford, in which case everyone in your department has a master's degree from Stanford.
19. You cringe when you see people in suits at your office, wondering if someone in management will make you stop wearing bunny slippers.
20. You would work for people you dislike if the 401K plan is self directed.
21. You plan your vacation so that you don't have to drive back from the airport during commute hours.
22. You could walk to the market in 45 minutes, but taking public transit adds another three hours and you still have to walk 45 minutes.
23. You don't go to sporting events unless you are given tickets by your employer.
24. You have seen four movies in the last year on the day they opened, all with the rest of your department, during work hours.
25. You could sell your home and live like a king in 99% of the rest of the world, but don't because you could not afford to come back.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

226. Signs You Live In California

You Know You Live In California If...

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck,
hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown,
and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember, is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license.
If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who
delivers your mail is into S & M and your Avon rep is a guy in drag.
19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy
Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

225. New Element Found!

The recent hurricanes and skyrocketing oil and gasoline prices helped to prove the existence of a new element. In early October 2005, a major research institution announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium."

Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called 'morons' which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called 'peons.' Since Gv has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Gv causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second!

Gv has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay; but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming 'isodopes.' This characteristic of moron promotion leads most scientists to believe that Gv is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as 'Critical Morass.'

When catalyzed with money, Gv becomes "Administratium' (Am) - an element which radiates just as much energy as Gv, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

224. Dictionary of Republicanisms

Dictionary of Republicanisms, from The Nation:

1. Abstinence-only sex education: Ignorance-only sex education [Wayne Martorelli, Lawrenceville, NJ].
2. Alternative energy sources: New locations to drill for gas and oil [Peter Scholz, Fort Collins, Colo.].
3. "burning bush": A biblical allusion to the response of the President of the United States when asked a question by a journalist who has not been paid to inquire [Bill Moyers, New York, NY].
4. Cheney, Dick: The greater of two evils [Jacob McCullar, Austin, Tex.].
5. China: See Wal-Mart [Rebecca Solnit, San Francisco, Calif.].
6. Class warfare: Any attempt to raise the minimum wage [Don Zweir, Grayslake, Ill.].
7. Climate change: The blessed day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans [Ann Klopp, Princeton, NJ].
8. Compassionate conservatism: Poignant concern for the very wealthy [Lawrence Sandek, Twin Peaks, Calif.].
9. Creationism: Pseudoscience that claims George W. Bush's resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally coincidental [Brian Sweeney, Providence, RI].
10. DeLay, Tom: 1. Past tense of De Lie [Rick Rodstrom, Los Angeles, Calif.]. 2. Patronage saint [Andrew Magni, Nonatum, Mass.].
11. Democracy: A product so extensively exported that the domestic supply is depleted [Michael Schwartz, unknown].
12. Dittohead: An Oxy(contin)moron [Zydeco Boudreaux, Gretna, La.].
13. Energy independence: The caribou witness relocation program [Justin Rezzonico, Keene, Ohio].
14. Extraordinary rendition: Outsourcing torture [Milton Feldon, Laguna Woods, Calif.].
15. Faith: The stubborn belief that God approves of Republican moral values despite the preponderance of textual evidence to the contrary [Matthew Polly, Topeka, Kans.].
16. Fox News: Faux news [Justin Rezzonico, Keene, Ohio].
17. Free markets: Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense [Sean O'Brian, Chicago, Ill.].
18. Girly men: Males who do not grope women inappropriately [Nick Gill, Newton, Mass.].
19. God: Senior presidential adviser [Martin Richard, Belgrade, Mont.].
20. Growth: 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2. What happens to the national debt when Republicans cut taxes on the rich [Matthew Polly, Topeka, Kans.].
21. Habeas corpus: Archaic. (Lat.) Legal term no longer in use (See Patriot Act) [Josh Wanstreet, Nutter Fort, WV].
22. Healthy forest: No tree left behind [Dan McWilliams, Santa Barbara, Calif.].
23. Homelandism: A neologism for love of the Homeland Security State, as in "My Homeland, 'tis of thee, sweet security state of liberty..." [Tom Engelhardt, New York, NY].
24. Honesty: Lies told in simple declarative sentences--e.g., "Freedom is on the march" [Katrina vanden Heuvel, New York, NY].
25. House of Representatives n. Exclusive club; entry fee $1 million to $5 million (See Senate) [Adam Hochschild, San Francisco, Calif.].
26 .Laziness: When the poor are not working [Justin Rezzonico, Keene, Ohio].
27. Leisure time: When the wealthy are not working [Justin Rezzonico, Keene, Ohio].
28. Liberal(s): Followers of the Antichrist [Ann Wegher, Montello, Wisc.]
29. Miller, Zell: The man who shot and killed Alexander Hamilton after a particularly tough interview on Hardball [Drew Dillion, Arlington, Va.].
30. Neoconservatives: Nerds with Napoleonic complexes [Matthew Polly, Topeka, Kans.].
31. 9/11: Tragedy used to justify any administrative policy, especially if unrelated (See Deficit, Iraq War) [Dan Mason, Durham, NH].
32. No Child Left Behind riff: 1. There are always jobs in the military [Ann Klopp, Princeton, NJ]. 2. The rapture [Samantha Hess, Cottonwood, Ariz.].
33. Ownership society: A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth [Michael Albert, Piscataway, NJ].
34. Patriot Act: 1. The pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first. 2. The elimination of one of the reasons why they hate us [Michael Thomas, Socorro, NM].
35. Pro-life: Valuing human life up until birth [Kevin Weaver, San Francisco, Calif.].
36. Senate: Exclusive club; entry fee $10 million to $30 million [Adam Hochschild, San Francisco, Calif.].
36. Simplify: To cut the taxes of Republican donors [Katrina vanden Heuvel, New York, NY].
37. Staying the course: Slang: Saying and doing the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result [Suzanne Smith, Ann Arbor, Mich.].
38. Stuff happens: Slang. Donald Rumsfeld as master historian [Sheila and Chalmers Johnson, San Diego, Calif.].
39. Voter fraud: A significant minority turnout [Sue Bazy, Philadelphia, Pa.].
40. Wal-Mart: The nation-state, future tense [Rebecca Solnit, San Francisco, Calif.].
41. Water: Arsenic storage device [Joy Losee, Gainesville, Ga.].
42. Woman: 1. Person who can be trusted to bear a child but can't be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have the child. 2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn't want to have sex in the first place [Denise Clay, Philadelphia, Pa.].

Monday, June 05, 2006

223. Actual Soap Opera Recaps, 1996-2002


––Whip is determined to consummate his marriage to Brooke.
––After pulling off Peggy's mask, Timmy is stunned to see she is really Julian, not Norma.
––Realizing that Rolf put the death simulation potion in the baptismal font, Lexie rushes in and knocks over the font.
––Natalie is puzzled when Viki (Niki) said she likes having Rex around. Later, Niki (Viki) tells Ben, who likes Rex, that she cannot stand Rex. Niki (Viki) lies to Bo about Ben having bouts of uncontrollable anger. Al hates Roxy.
––Alison confides to Lucy how she and Rafe married each other in a homemade ceremony at the barn.
––Grant insists that there is something troubling about the photographer.
––Trevor accosts Janet as she begins to dig up Jonathan's grave.
––A gloating Todd informs Carlo that his vengeful bride is threatening to reveal proof that the mobster is also Poseidon.
––Tanner admits to Hayley that he fabricated the whole story about a cattle baron father who died heroically years ago.
––Sofia is puzzled when Nick places a strange take-out order at Carlino's.
––Laura yells into her earrings that she will see Stefano destroyed.
––Felicia realizes that she must have been interacting with the imposter for several weeks.
––Buoyed by his second secret injection, Frank again begins to demand to be released from the hospital.
––When the witch woman just laughs in her face, a frustrated Virginia looks elsewhere for a way to determine whose skin sample she's holding.
––Down in Hell's waiting room, Dorian attempts to convince Carlo that she deserves a second chance at life.
––Struck by another frightening flash of the future, Mateo forbids Hayley to get a tattoo.
––As a grieving Rachel works on a clay bust of Carl, Amanda admits how she was taken in by Cameron.
––Vivian's mood changes and as she enters the ambulance to go to the hospital, she starts singing.
––After calming her down from her argument with Stephanie, Ridge asks Brooke why she's not wearing her clothes again.
En route to New York, Todd is startled by visits from "Tom", "Rod," and,inevitably, "Pete."
––Meanwhile, as he plants passionate kisses on Vicky's face and neck, Grant pants his desire to his startled ex.
––Lucas calls for a helicopter to fly them to the state capitol because they can't stand to be in a limo together that long.
––As she complains, Stephanie suddenly stops talking and breathing.
––Still trapped in the castle, Hope senses Bo and Shawn are in terrible danger.
––Macy is caught breathless when Thorne kisses her over and over again at the beach house.
––Eve begins downing kamikazes as Ian describes how he decked Dr. Boardman.
––Still out in Brady's new car, Chloe removes her glasses and deliberately breaks them.
––Kay and Miguel are grabbed by the undead in a cemetery.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

222. Jewish Differences

What are the main differences between orthodox, conservative and reform?

At an orthodox wedding, the mother of the bride is likely to be pregnant.
At a conservative wedding, the bride is likely to be pregnant.
At a reform wedding, the rabbi is likely to be pregnant.
And at a reconstructionist wedding, the groom is likely to be pregnant.

Voice Mail Question

Hello...you have reached the office of the Board of Rabbis.
if you are Orthodox, press 6-1-3;
if you are Conservative, press 1 or 2;
if you are Reform, press any button you like;
if you are Reconstructionist, press all the buttons.
Please hold on while I transfer your call...

Hello. You have reached the Orthodox rabbi. The answer to your question is that it isforbidden by the Torah. If you wish to change your affiliation press 18. (DING)

Hello. You have reached the Conservative rabbi. The answer to your question is that we have ruled that either answer is acceptable to some of us and neither answer is acceptable to all of us. We hope this has
been helpful. If you wish to change your affiliation press 18. (DING)

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Saturday, June 03, 2006

221. The Unknown Soldier

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier
A group of foreign dignitaries are visiting Israel. At the end of the tour,
they are taken to see the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. They look at the tomb
and read the following inscription:

BORN 5694
DIED 5733

The visitors are incredulous. They ask the guide, "How can this be an unknown
soldier if the grave has his name?" Their host responds, "Sure, as a soldier
he was unknown, but as a furrier -- he was the best!"

Friday, June 02, 2006

220. Senior Moments

SENIOR MOMENTS - Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know? _____________________________________________________________
NURSING HOME - One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart." __________________________________________________________________
SENILE - Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." _____________________________________________________
DOWN AT THE NURSING HOME - A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

Thursday, June 01, 2006

219. Pearls of Wisdom Two

Just why do men lie about each other when the plain truth would be bad enough?
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
A psychologist says kissing is where two people get so close together they can't see anything wrong with each other.
If you have an unpleasant neighbour, the odds are that he does too.
Many a man's expenditure of speech exceeds his income of ideas.
Nothing depreciates a car faster than a neighbour buying a new one.
For every minute you're angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
Psychiatrists say that one of four people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it.
It takes very little to make a woman happy, and more than is contained in Heaven and Earth to keep her that way.
If you don't enjoy what you have, how could you be happier with more?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. -- Oscar Wilde
What would have happened if Iraq' main product was broccoli?
When you wake up in the morning and nothing hurts you can be sure you're dead.
Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
Do the people in Tipperary realise they're a long way away?
Deja moo: the strange feeling that you've milked this cow before.