237. Light Bulbs And Christians
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one, hands already in the air.
Calvinists: None, God has predestined when the lights will be on.
Pentecostal: Ten, one to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None, lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None, candles only.
Baptists: At least 15, one to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: Three, one to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: Five, one man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined, whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: 6, One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None, lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
Southern Baptists: 109, seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Light bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Committee Executive of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27-member church Board, who appoints another 12-member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8-member review committee. If their report to the Next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the best price on new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware store has the best buy must them be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connections to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the janitor to Ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.
TV evangelists: One, but for the message of light to continue send in your donation today.
Jehovah's Witness: Three, one to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!