Onward Bound Humor

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Saturday, June 17, 2006

234. Signs Of Being Jewish

You Know you were Brought up Jewish If:

1. You watched Ed Sullivan every Sunday night, and your parents laughed out loud at Myron Cohen (if you don't know who Myron Cohen is, don't bother reading any further).
2. You spent your entire childhood thinking everyone calls pot roast "brisket."
3. You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door when you're in there longer than 3 minutes.
4. Your family dog responds to commands uttered in Yiddish.
5. Every Saturday morning was spent with your father at the neighborhood deli counter, stocking up on whitefish salad, whitefish ("chubs"), herring, corned beef, roast beef, spiced beef, cole slaw, potato salad, a half-dozen huge barrel pickles, a dozen assorted bagels, cream cheese, and rye bread (sliced while you wait) ... all of which would be strictly off-limits until Sunday morning.
6. Every Sunday afternoon was spent visiting your grandparents.
7. You experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.
8. You had at least one female relative who draws eyebrows on her face and they are always asymmetrical.
9. You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for Kugel and kasha and bowties.
10. You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
11. You were as tall as your grandfather by the age seven and a half.
12. You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes.
13. You were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.
14. You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
15. Your mother smacked you really hard and continues to make you feel bad for hurting her hand.
16. You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.
17. You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kinahurra.
18. You're still angry at your parents for not speaking both Yiddish and English to you when you were a baby.
19. You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor.
20. Your grandparent's newly washed linoleum floor was covered with the NY Times, which your grandparents could not read.
21. You thought speaking loud was normal.
22. You considered your Bar or Bat Mitzvah a "Get Out of Hebrew School Free" card.
23. You think eating half a bottle of dill pickles is a wholesome snack.
24. You're compelled to mention your grandmother's "giant steel cannonballs" upon seeing the tiny, fluffy matzo balls served at restaurants.
25. You buy 3 shopping bags worth of hot bagels on every trip to NYC, and ship them home via FedEx. (Or, if you live near NYC or Philadelphia or another Jewish city hub, you drive 3 hours to the center of town just to buy a dozen "real" bagels.)

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