Onward Bound Humor

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Sunday, June 04, 2006

222. Jewish Differences

What are the main differences between orthodox, conservative and reform?

At an orthodox wedding, the mother of the bride is likely to be pregnant.
At a conservative wedding, the bride is likely to be pregnant.
At a reform wedding, the rabbi is likely to be pregnant.
And at a reconstructionist wedding, the groom is likely to be pregnant.

Voice Mail Question

Hello...you have reached the office of the Board of Rabbis.
if you are Orthodox, press 6-1-3;
if you are Conservative, press 1 or 2;
if you are Reform, press any button you like;
if you are Reconstructionist, press all the buttons.
Please hold on while I transfer your call...

Hello. You have reached the Orthodox rabbi. The answer to your question is that it isforbidden by the Torah. If you wish to change your affiliation press 18. (DING)

Hello. You have reached the Conservative rabbi. The answer to your question is that we have ruled that either answer is acceptable to some of us and neither answer is acceptable to all of us. We hope this has
been helpful. If you wish to change your affiliation press 18. (DING)

Hello. You have reached the Reform rabbi. The answer to your question is: if you want to, sure, why not? Who are we to say? If you wish to change your affiliation press 18. (DING)

Hello. You have reached the Reconstructionist rabbi. The answer to your question presumes there is an answer to your question. However, my role is to empower you to answer your own question, therefore, to answer your own question, please hang up now. (CLICK)

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