216. A Cornucopia of Postulations
2. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
3. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
4. Life is sexually transmitted.
5. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
6. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
7. Get the last word in: Apologize.
8. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
9. Some people are like Slinkies . . .. not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
10. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
11. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
12. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
13. Why does a slight tax increase cost you several hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you a buck fifty?
14. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
15. Why is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?
16. You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
17. You've got to realize, life is an addiction.