Onward Bound Humor

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Friday, May 26, 2006

214. New Scientific Developments

New Scientific Developments
These are supposedly responses to a contest sponsored by OMNI magazine. Strangely, these scientific developments were never considered by the Nobel Committee.

Antigravity
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. It is proposed to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

Rednecks & Braille
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.

Why Yawning Is Contagious
You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

Effects of Deforestation
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

Why the Earth rotates
Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.

How to make your car go faster
The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill.

The Constant Consonant Theorem
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

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